Too many of my friends complain to me about how single they are, how they can’t find a man and are destined to be forever alone… but the thing that perplexes me is that they get so many suitors, they just reject them all! Unfortunately, no one seems to be good enough for them.
Of course it’s always good to have high standards, but are some of our standards too high? When do we differentiate between high and unrealistic?? Before getting married I had all these crazy notions of love and romance gathered from years of watching Hollywood romcoms. I knew what I wanted in my dream guy, how he should look, act, etc. It wasn't until I joined muzmatch and actually started my husband hunt, that I realised most of my expectations were unrealistic...it’s a lot asking for the perfect guy when I’m not even perfect myself.
I realised to be happy, I needed to stop filling my heads with these silly unrealistic expectations that I gained from the media, as they were ruining my chances of finding someone I could really connect with. A lot of us have gathered high expectations from other sources, often leading to the rejection of a suitor for the most pettiest of reasons, e.g. one reason I've heard from a friend was “he's too young for me”- he’s only a year younger than her, the difference really isn’t that huge.
Our own expectations may be sabotaging our chances at finding happiness. Now I’m not saying to lower those expectations, but to just change some of your thought processes so you stop cutting out potential spouses:
When you meet up with your match, what kind of things are you looking for? Are you looking at their deen, their character, whether they’re honest and kind hearted, and if they're attractive to you (a lot of people will try and tell me that looks don’t matter, but attractiveness does play a role in the partner we choose. It would also be a bit of an insult to not find your partner attractive!)?
Or are you looking for some sort of spark? An instant connection of some sorts…, because if you are my friend… Have I got news for you! We often hear stories of how the relationships that are based off of a spark, go south after that flame has extinguished. Romance doesn't last forever, it can’t. That excitement you feel when getting to know someone is kind of hard to keep alive once you’re living together and sharing the bathroom, and every other aspect of your life.
This is why it is important to focus on someone's character, and how well you get along, rather than whether they make your heart skip a beat. Personally I wouldn't recommend looking to develop heart palpitation problems. A spark is nice and all, but marrying someone just for that isn’t a great reason. You may think that you’re in love, but you’re most likely not. After getting to know someone deeply, spending all your time with them and loving them for their character...then you can say you’re in love.
Constantly comparing your match to someone else, or thinking your relationship should be one way but it’s not, is literally setting yourself up for failure. You are constantly going to be unhappy with your match, and that is unfair to them. Your expectations may rub off on them and cause them to feel insecure, as if they’re not good enough, which is unfair to them.
One thing you need to understand is there is no such thing as the perfect person, or “relationship goals”. Every relationship, every person, has their own flaws. But of course people don’t advertise these to the world, they only show what they want to share. Your comparisons to others are therefore unrealistic, because most likely they don’t even compare to that image they have created of themselves! Until you can be content with what you have or who you have, you will always feel that the person you’re with, or your relationship, isn’t good enough.
Now, I’m not saying that you need to find a complete package, a man with an amazing job, car, sharp beard. Or a woman who cooks, cleans, but also works a full time job (lol). It’s definitely ok to grow and develop with someone, but if your partner has characteristics and tendencies you don’t approve of, and you’re thinking “But I can change them!”... think again.
I hate to say it, but we are all full grown adults here, we know right from wrong, and if we want to change, we can. But forcing someone to change for us may cause that person to resent us, and most likely those changes won’t stick around and they will revert to their old habits, e.g. if the person doesn’t pray, but you make them...eventually they’ll stop. If they can’t pray for the all mighty Allah (SWT), why would they pray for you??
At the end of the day you’re not marrying a project to change. Constantly being on someone's case will cause tension in your relationship, and may sabotage your chances of happiness.
OK… but how can you get mad at your match for not knowing how you feel about something, or upsetting you, if you don’t actually tell them how you feel?!
So many girls expect men to have these super powers where they can just sense what's wrong with a girl (I am also guilty of this lol), and fix it magically. And vice versa. But at the end of the day, you need to communicate what’s wrong. We can’t expect people to know what’s going on with us if we don’t tell them.
These are just some of the things you could be looking out for when getting to know someone for marriage - remember to be fair, open minded, and give people a chance ❤