Why Do We Delay Suitable Marriages?

Abu Hafsah Abdul Malik Clare once said in regards to marriage, that “when marriage is made difficult, premarital relations become easy.” That statement itself is a testament to the egregious problem that is persisting in modern Muslim families: the excessive emphasis on culture to acquire a perfect, ideal marriage. Young men and women of marriage age are forced to wait (either by their parents or on their own accord) until they find a perfect mate to be married to, based on superficial prerequisites such as wealth, language, ethnicity, family structures, and amount of (western) education. Such ideal marriages are often compliant with traditional values but not as much with Islamic teachings. And such indicators of a perfect soul mate have taken precedence over religion and character––complicating and delaying otherwise suitable marriages, especially of young willing men and women.

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Young Muslims, especially those living in the West, are stuck between the influences of their families’ heavily regulated tradition-bound marriage trends and the liberal society that runs counter to the traditional marriage trends. On one hand, it’s the organised, culturally arranged marriages and on the other hand it is the open-relationship-based cohabitations of the society. When such contrasting influences collide, marriages become difficult for those youth who are willing to marry but yet their parents refuse to step out of the traditional trends. Often, the result is an aging unmarried young adult who is afraid to confront their parents fearing that they might not accept their choice of spouse because it does not conform to the culture-based criteria of their parents. Either the potential spouse does not fit the category of “suitable” race or language, or does not possess other ethnic “good” qualities.

One of the main reasons for such delays in marriages is the family’s unawareness of the Islamic principles that encourage marriages regardless of race, ethnicity, language and culture. Nowadays, it is common to focus on looks, family, wealth and education rather than character and religion; the exact opposite of what the following Hadith encourages:

Abu Hurayrah relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “If a suitor approaches whose religion and character please you, then let him marry. Otherwise, there will be a lot of immorality and corruption in the world.”[1]

Furthermore, when a parent rejects a choosing of their children or if parents forcefully impose their choosing of a mate (based on the utopian cultural traits) then the adverse consequences become great. The emotional and psychological impact on both parents and their children become inevitable, often resulting in domestic fights, elopement, and other sins, including made-easy-by-parents premarital activities.

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There is also too much focus on what others will say instead of what God will say. This results in satisfying the desires of society rather than doing the right thing. It only satisfies the self-perception in others. This sense of paranoia increases delay in marriages because families often compete with each other in producing a better, more glamorous wedding than their peers––almost always neglecting basic Islamic marriage etiquettes of humility and sincerity. Worrying about what others (colleagues, friends, and relatives) will say or do also significantly increases psychological depression, social anxiety and regret amongst potential bachelors and bachelorettes if they think their marriage won’t satisfy the ideal social standards of marriage. This implication forces pro-marriage individuals to either abandon marriage as a whole or keep their premarital relationships continuous and hidden because parents haven’t yet found the perfect mate to conduct a glamorously expensive wedding in the best hotels with the best music.

Likewise, the influence of society, where the families live––especially in secular societies––is a great one. Often in those societies the divorce rates are considerably higher, which negatively impacts a person’s social and mental desire to move forward with marriage. And interestingly, the process of marriage is very relaxed in those societies, often to the point of even accepting same-sex marriages. But yet the Muslim’s marriage is made complicated and delayed for unjust reasons by parents. Many traditional parents have adopted a my-way-or-the-highway approach to marriage. For some, the preservation of their family name, honour and pride becomes more important than protecting their children from the grave sins of illegally-satisfied sexual desires

The traditionalist mindset thinks that marriage to someone other than the ideal ethnicity, race, language and culture is a crime as if Muslims of other races or colours are sub-humans, not suitable to marry into. Is it because of our pride thinking that our race and ethnicity is too good to be diluted through “unsuitable” marriages? Whether this discriminate attempt to preserve one’s family lineage, race, ethnicity and language is a social by-product of nationalism and colonialism or not; it is, undoubtedly, a detriment to the collective good of the Ummah, especially the youth.

Source: http://www.islam21c.com/islamic-thought/propagation/why-do-we-delay-suitable-marriages-2/

21 days ago

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South African Match! #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.

He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.

We did our Nikah last month (March 9th 2019).

About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.

I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.

My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.

It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,

I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".

I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.

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I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.

We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.

We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.

Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.

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We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.

Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.

His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.

Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.

The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.

We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.

Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).

I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.

Halima & Arshad

3 days ago

Egyptian Romance #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.

The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.  

We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.  

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I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.

I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside.  He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!

I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.

After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.

I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.  

Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.

It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.

I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.  

3 days ago

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Close Call #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.  

We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!    

I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.

The next day he replied to me and the is history.  Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.  

Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.  

One last thing to everyone using the  muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!  

3 days ago

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