While out dining with my sister today, I saw something which really saddened me. I saw a young, Muslim couple eating in sheer silence. Ok, so we know it’s the Sunnah not to speak when you are eating, but that’s not my point.
Compared to everyone else who was talking, laughing and really enjoying themselves, to me it seemed as if they were just passing the time for the sake of it. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it got me thinking about marriages where the fire disappears.
You know the scenario – where the only thing keeping a marriage together is children, finances or the family situation. There’s nothing to talk about and as for cozying up when the winter sets in, well, the thought of that is about as cold as ice!
What happens when the person you loved with a passion no longer holds that place in your heart? When you’re actually GLAD they are out, or grateful that others are around so you don’t have to bear each other’s company?
There comes a time in many marriages when your soul mate becomes more like a stale mate – almost as if you have outgrown each other. Like two strangers living in a marriage, with little or no interaction in between.
The truth is, the fire in a marriage only dies when you allow it to die. Life gets in the way, bills need to be paid and that love that raged with a purpose fizzles without so much as a spark. In reality, not having the processes in place to nurture your relationship will mean you very quickly tire of each other’s company. It’s dangerous ground by any stretch of the imagination.
So why exactly does that happen and what can be done about it? The truth is that 90% of cases like this are preventable. Once the honeymoon period is over, reality kicks in and people have to earn a living. Stress (especially over family or financial issues) is a MAJOR cause of problems in a marriage, and it’s hard to relax when you are worried about the bills or what’s happening to so and so. Spending long periods of time away from each other’s company is another cause of stress in a marriage and yet another reason why marriages lose their sizzle. You feel as if you never see each other and when you do, your time is spent worrying about other things.
Taking each other for granted can cause people to drift apart – not saying the little things like ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ and showing gratitude for small things causes upset. Women who are homemakers in particular feel quite ignored and underrated, especially when it’s expected for them to cook, clean and look after the home. The fact that it’s taken care of without being acknowledged can really cause resentment.
So here are some tips to avoid stale mate setting in:
1. Pay attention to each other’s needs – show your appreciation by helping your spouse in any way you can. Give your spouse at home a break. Housework is a tough and thankless task, as is raising children. Help do the dishes, bath the children or give your spouse the day off so they feel valued and appreciated! Plus, stepping into each other’s shoes helps you understand the other half better.
2. Make a point to eat together at least once a day – Some of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (SAWS) said: “We eat but are not satisfied.” He (SAWS) said: “Perhaps you eat separately.” The Companions replied in the affirmative. He then said: “Eat together and mention the name of Allah over your food. It will be blessed for you.” [Abu Dawud]
This hadith confirms that Allah SWT will put blessing in your food and satisfy you – so eat together to not only increase your love, but to touch base and earn a blessing at the same time
3. Make time as a family – it doesn’t matter how busy you are, make a point of reconnecting with each other at LEAST once a week where you are doing nothing but enjoying each other’s company for the day. I have a friend of mine who has been married 10 years and her husband is as much in love with her now as he was when he first married her. Their secret? Once a week, they have a full day where they go out, dine out, take their daughter somewhere nice and spend time to connect as a family.
4. Have quality couple time – even best friends will drift apart if they don’t spend quality time together. With couples, give yourself time WITHOUT kids and family around to worry about. Give each other a massage or a facial (yes, I used to give my husband a facial and he would love it!) and dress up in the privacy of your bedroom.
5. Dress up and make the effort for one another – sisters, this is more important for you because Allah SWT has commanded us to do this and in it we will find a reward. Allah SWT loves beauty, so make yourself beautiful for your husband and do this often so you are pleasing to the eye. Dress well and make the effort to SMILE and be pleased to see him!
When the Prophet sallallahu alihi wasalam was asked which woman was best, he replied, “The one who pleases (her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he gives a command….” (Nasa’i)
6. Complement each other! – Brothers, this applies MORE to you than the sisters. Know that Allah SWT has made women soft and they DESIRE their man to pay them complements. So when your wife dresses up, make her smile by noticing she looks good and saying it!
7. Develop common interests – are you able to do something as a couple or family together at least once a week? I know a couple who Mash’Allah work out together at least 3 times a week in their own home gym, go cycling with the kids and do a lot of sporting activity together. The end result? They are one strong family unit!
8. Develop separate interests too – sometimes being in each other’s company too much can mean you are left without much to say to each other. Having a separate interest means you are channelling your energy into something that will make you happier from the inside and insha’Allah will benefit your marriage and keep things fresh.
9. Buy each other gifts – you don’t have to do this all the time, but small gifts like flowers, chocolates, those earrings your wife was looking at or those shoes your husband wanted – all make a person feel special and appreciated.
10. Hug each other regularly – hugging and showing affection is a natural and innate characteristic – much like parents who cuddle their children. Not only is it a sign of love, but it also makes you feel secure and protected. Plus, it keeps the bond between husband and wife strong.
I hope you can see from these suggestions that there really is no need for stalemate to set it. Think of your marriage like a bank account – the more you put in, the more your interest grows!
Until next time!
Written by the Girl In The Black Hijaab
Get married, free, on muzmatch.
My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.
He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.
About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.
I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.
My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.
It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,
I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".
I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.
I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.
We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.
We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.
Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.
We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.
Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.
His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.
Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.
The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.
We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.
Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).
I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.
Halima & Arshad
My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.
The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.
We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.
I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.
I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside. He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!
I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.
After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.
I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.
Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.
It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.
I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.
Get married, free, on muzmatch.
My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.
We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!
I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.
The next day he replied to me and the is history. Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.
Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.
One last thing to everyone using the muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!
Get married, free, on muzmatch.