The View From The Other Side For Once. Muslim Men’s Experiences Of Finding The ONE Online.

Normally I wouldn’t par-take in the self indulgence of claiming to know what’s wrong with everyone by enforcing my irrelevant opinion of entire people based on my experience with a relatively low number considering the number of people who are out there looking. However, it seems men are always being portrayed as the ones for the reason behind “women” not being able to get married.

Neither am I going to indulge in some clichéd biographical explanation about how I have found myself or learned about myself in this process. At 35 years old, I’d like to think I know myself pretty well. For the sake of balance and sticking up for guys who are genuine, I shall lend my opinion.

Admittedly, I thought it would be easy myself, “how hard can it be to get married” well, after almost a year, very hard – and that’s just by looking at some of the profiles. I don’t even need to go so far as meeting/talking to someone to find flaws in the process.

“This is the way I understand it: You read a basic profile of someone, they read yours. You exchange pictures. If there’s mutual interest, you have a conversation to introduce yourself. This may involve even exchanging numbers. At some point, you arrange a meeting with the parents. If there is an agreement between both parties, that is when you have the permission to meet each other more regularly to get to know each other – whether that leads to marriage or not.” I have taken this quote from a previous blog so I hope the writer doesn’t mind, but as it was this post that “pushed” me to write an Encore

“You read a basic profile of someone, they read yours. You exchange pictures” Let’s start here shall we. So the basic profile, how basic is a basic profile?

The I’ve just joined at 2AM  – They start with the “just joined so will fill in later” what exactly does that mean, when you apply for a credit card, do you just fill in half your details, you go to a job interview what to do you, walk out half way? Why don’t you just join at a time when you can fill out your details and write a profile? All that says to us guys is you aren’t serious, and no serious guy will entertain such profiles. Oh yes, the players may have a shot, but what do you expect.

I have no personality or life – You know the ones, “I really don’t know what to write about myself” so what you are saying is that you have done nothing in your life, have no interests and have no personality. In which case, you probably don’t have anything to write.  Or, you have “don’t want to plaster my life over an app” well you going to have to write something, how else will we know if we are going to be interested, or anything that peaks our interest. As a tip though, for those who do struggle, how about writing about your interests, a few personality traits, what you like as a person, likes/dislikes.

Message me’s – well firstly, they clearly struggle with apps and technology because what they haven’t fathomed is that they need to match with someone before you can message each other.

Blind daters/Window Shoppers – A funny species, they state looks aren’t important, yet have their profiles blurred. So basically  if they like the look if you they’ll get in touch. I struggle to fathom why you would have you pic hidden and I have heard all of the excuses. My cousins are on here, I don’t want my friends seeing, and “I’m all about personality.”  Can we all just stop trying to be idealists and state yes looks do matter; everyone wants someone who they are attracted to. Why it is such a taboo I will never know. The window shoppers will have their pics on show but fill in their profile by writing “blah blah blah blah” to or “is this 200 words yet” because they are only interested in looks.

Don’t do ugly –As bad as the Cilla Blacks, probably worse as they are arrogant enough to advertise their shallowness by stating they are after someone “good looking.” So, can anyone definitely generally define good looking to suit the masses? Everyone wants someone good looking but everyone’s idea of “good looking” is individual to them, to actually state it all you are doing is showing your shallowness.

The busy bee’s – They either state on their profiles I am extremely busy so don’t come on much or when you talk to them they reply 3 days later saying sorry “have been busy.” Well, I don’t think I go a few hours without looking at my PHONE, or speaking to mates on my PHONE so kudos to those who do. I emphasise PHONE because this app is phone based ? If you are too busy to talk to anyone with regards to finding yourself a husband, then perhaps you should wait until either you are less busy or are willing to make the effort required and expected.

My religion is between me and Allah – the ones that switch as soon as you ask them a religious question or about their inclination towards the deen. Now, if getting married is half your deen, and marriage completes your deen, then I think it’s quite fundamental to ask about ones religiousness irrespective of how religious anyone is.  I, for example state on my profile I attend and believe in the Mawlid, that’s not to cause debate or argumentation. It’s because I am after someone who is of the same standing as me for the reason stated above. Yet the amount of women who seem to ignore that point, of match choosing to ignore it is ridiculous. Then all that shows me is you didn’t read my profile and I am put off instantly.

Ssssssshhhhhh – My parents don’t know I’m looking. First of all, why don’t they know? Or is it a case you shouldn’t be looking for yourself? And if things do progress, how will you say you met. I assume you will have to lie? Not the best way to start the next stage of your life.

I could go on and on, but the point of this post is to provide some balance to the continuous guy bashing and to provide women with a reflection of where they go wrong before even speaking to someone so they can fix up their profiles. If you don’t portray yourselves at seriously making an effort, you aren’t going to attract serious people. Though, maybe that’s what you’re after. There are after all two people involved, I think some women expect the guy to make all the effort, what are you going to do? You want to get married or be waited on? It’s a two way process, the least you can do is meet us half way.

The process, there is no set process; everyone has their own way of doing stuff. Someone people want to be comfortable with the person before they take them home to their respective parents, others want the families, uncles aunties and grandparents involved before they have even met the person they are speaking to. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of balance. I remember listening to a talk by sheikh Muhammed Al-Yaqoubi called “Muslims, making marriage easier”, maybe of interest to some.

Have I just generalised? You bet, isn’t that what all these posts are for because not everyone is the same.

That said, I do believe muzmatch to be the best of the apps by far. Yes they have a few issues, like being a little quicker when you report a profile, which in my case will be for “blah..blah..will fill in later..” though that will come as they grown inshallah. I believe they genuinely understand the responsibility they have taken on and are doing so sincerely. However, they will always be reliant on the quality of their user’s so it’s up to us to share that burden.

I’ll end with this, on the note of talking to multiple people at the same time, Collet Khouri said it best

"I want someone who loves me while they know that there are many that are prettier and smarter than me, someone who loves me because their soul and mine blended and because my ideas matched theirs….. I don’t not want someone loves me because after comparing me with others they found that I am better than others”

I pray everyone finds the best partner for them inshallah.

This wasn’t a calculated choreographed piece written for a tabloid. It was just an off the cuff response to the tiresome barrage of flack guys have to take, so if there are some grammatical issues, I am extremely busy so didn’t have time to go through it all ?

By a keen muzmatcher

20 days ago

Get married, free, on muzmatch.

South African Match! #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.

He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.

We did our Nikah last month (March 9th 2019).

About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.

I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.

My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.

It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,

I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".

I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.

Wintery iPhone Flat Lay Mock Up
Photo by Emma Matthews / Unsplash

I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.

We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.

We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.

Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.

Photo by Ross Parmly / Unsplash

We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.

Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.

His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.

Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.

The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.

We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.

Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).

I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.

Halima & Arshad

1 day ago

Egyptian Romance #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.

The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.  

We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.  

Influences of the past —
Stories, desire and a vivid imagination
attract people to this place.
Photo by Simon Matzinger / Unsplash

I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.

I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside.  He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!

I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.

After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.

I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.  

Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.

It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.

I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.  

2 days ago

Get married, free, on muzmatch.

Close Call #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.  

We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!    

I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.

The next day he replied to me and the is history.  Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.  

Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.  

One last thing to everyone using the  muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!  

2 days ago

Get married, free, on muzmatch.

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