Ramadan Reflection - On Muslims and Marriage

Today is my fiance, Priya’s, birthday. God-willing, we will be getting married in 48 days. I am pretty nervous, but am confident in the way that I feel about her. She is an amazingly thoughtful person who gives me a renewed sense of strength and hope each day and I am lucky to be able to spend my life with her. It was about a year ago that she and I first talked about marriage but all in all our meeting each other was by chance. Every day people ask me how she and I met but they don’t want to know our “love story”. They are looking for advice on how they too can find their life partner.

It’s kind of confusing how the marriage process works at times in the Muslim community.Cultural norms that conflict with religious norms make it difficult for men and women who are very compatible with each other to even meet. For those who are fortunate enough to find each other, they are told they can’t be together because the race, ethnicity, or socio-economic background of their potential other isn’t suitable by their parents’ subjective standard. The same culturally hegemonic attitude then encourages marriage for the wrong reason where compatibility and communication are not its primary concerns, but rather an approval by a condescending community rooted in that culture.

There is also a growing trend of young men and women remaining unmarried, but we don’t deeply analyze everything that comes along with that. If a person stays unmarried as they get older, there is probably a good chance that they have tried to get married or had some type of relationship before, and didn’t necessarily get the chance to reconcile the emotions that came out of the failed relationship. It’s not to justify or get into a conversation of religious appropriateness, but to acknowledge that broken engagements, break ups from dating, and divorce all do exist in the Muslim community, and they have deep impact on individuals who experience them. Being close to someone emotionally and/or physically makes us feel good. We like to feel appreciated. We like to feel special. Where it becomes too hard to deal with is not feeling it after it has already been felt. It’s really hard to forget a feeling once you’ve experienced it.

There have been many instances where men and women have come to see me who weren’t necessarily looking for someone who would make them feel loved, they were looking for someone who would make them feel loved and allow for them to love exactly as they once did before. And when they couldn’t find that same feeling again, it just didn’t feel right. Love is the kind of feeling that can make you feel on top of the world when you have it or believe you have it, and can make you feel like the entire world is against you when you have lost it or believe you have lost it. When there are loose ends, seemingly everything reminds you of the feeling that is no longer there. The solution lies in tying up those loose ends, primarily for your own sake and then, perhaps even more importantly, for the sake of the person that you are going to end up with. Otherwise you will just keep comparing them to what you “had” and never really enable yourself to see what they can fully offer.

Aside from our physical habits and spiritual habits, Ramadan becomes a good time to take on and develop emotional habits such as these. Many of us try to use time as a tool to overcome these type of issues. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work. A lot of feelings stay dormant within us and at the slightest of reminders, our hearts are reignited with the memory of what we once felt. A smell, a sound, a certain place, any variety of things can remind you of your past regardless of how many years have passed in between. Your heart becomes reignited and along with that a frustration ensues because your heart wants something that you can’t give to it.

The soul is a temptress and loves to look at beautiful forms and the eye is the guide of the heart. The heart commissions its guide to go and look to see what is there and when the eye informs it of a beautiful image it shudders out of love and desire for it. Frequently such inter-relations tire and wear down both the heart and the eye as is said: When you sent your eye as a guide for your heart one day, the object of sight fatigued you For you saw one over whom you had no power Neither a portion or in totality, instead you had to be patient ~ Imam Ibn ul Qayyim al Jawziyyah

That patience needs to be a productive patience and an honest one. One that says I acknowledge who I am and try to approach the betterment of myself through a positive and honest criticism, not a dejected one. Here it becomes helpful to talk things out with someone you trust, perhaps even a professional. Over time the heaviness of the emotions will just become heavier and heavier. Letting them out in some way can be helpful. In the absence of a person to speak with, writing things out can work as well.

Once you’ve written it, get rid of it completely. In some instances, you might find that the feeling you are missing is still linked directly to a person. It then becomes important to realize that the person from your past is not the only person in the world. You have to remove them from the pedestal, whether you are doing it consciously or subconsciously, that they are on to the extant that they are no longer seen as being the standard for comparison and that it is very likely that someone else can take that spot if you are willing to take that chance.

In those instances where you are not missing the person but just the feeling itself, allow yourself the room to develop new feelings. It may very well be hard to deal with, and in those instances surround yourself with people who uplift your spirits. Those who will tell you not what you want to hear, but will both listen to you and then tell you what you need to hear. And use the opportunity to begin to better understand yourself.

Take an objective step back in order to see why I am the way I am and pushing myself to move forward as best at I can. Because this one feeling that I am missing is ultimately just one feeling. And as an emotional being, I am made up of an abundance of feelings. At no point will I ever be able to directly control any of them. I’m not a robot that has an on-and-off switch that controls whether I am happy or I am sad. But I do have direct control over the actions and decisions that yield those emotions and this Ramadan, that’s where I can start from.

Source Article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/imam-khalid-latif/ramadan-reflection-day-8_b_921084.html

24 days ago

Get married, free, on muzmatch.

South African Match! #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.

He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.

We did our Nikah last month (March 9th 2019).

About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.

I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.

My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.

It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,

I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".

I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.

Wintery iPhone Flat Lay Mock Up
Photo by Emma Matthews / Unsplash

I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.

We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.

We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.

Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.

Photo by Ross Parmly / Unsplash

We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.

Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.

His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.

Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.

The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.

We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.

Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).

I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.

Halima & Arshad

5 days ago

Egyptian Romance #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.

The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.  

We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.  

Influences of the past —
Stories, desire and a vivid imagination
attract people to this place.
Photo by Simon Matzinger / Unsplash

I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.

I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside.  He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!

I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.

After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.

I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.  

Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.

It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.

I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.  

6 days ago

Get married, free, on muzmatch.

Close Call #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.  

We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!    

I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.

The next day he replied to me and the is history.  Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.  

Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.  

One last thing to everyone using the  muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!  

6 days ago

Get married, free, on muzmatch.

© 2019 muzmatch Inc.