Muslim Dating: A Necessary Discussion, From a Brother’s Perspective

And now, with no preamble or qualifications whatsoever, I am going to talk about Muslim dating.

Why? Because the discussion needs to be had.

First off, let’s define some key terms so that we know what we are talking about.

Instead of saying “interacting with an individual of the opposite sex in a way deemed appropriate first by the teachings of the Quran (the final revelation from God) and Sunna (the sayings and deeds of the beloved Prophet Muhammad, last messenger of God, may He be pleased with him) and then also by cultural norms in order to find out if they would be a good match for you on a personal, cultural, financial, physical, and spiritual level such that Allah (the Most High, Lord of all creation) would be pleased with your future union in both this life and the next,” I will be using the word ‘dating’.

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It’s the same thing, and it’s much easier. Deal with it.

Next, ‘ghosting’ is a term used to refer to the act of simply disappearing on someone, letting your relationship drop off the face of the Earth and hoping they never call again.

Finally, ‘stalking’ is going to be much more familiar to my Muslim audience, especially the sisters. It’s the act of constantly or obsessively contacting or pursuing someone even when they are not showing interest, or have outright told you they are not interested.

Most Muslims would be inclined to say that our community tends to lean heavily toward the ‘stalking’ side, and away from the ‘ghosting’ side, until you remind them of two close companions of ghosting: the friend zone, and the fear zone.

First, the friend zone is well defined in our larger communities, but many Muslims find themselves in a similar predicament, where they have begun to associate appropriately with a member of the opposite sex (through work or school, for example), but having developed romantic interests, cannot see a way forward. They then ghost these friends or associates, telling themselves and others that it was ‘to avoid bad feelings’ or ‘for the sake of God’.

Also, this can lead to people giving up on schoolwork, employment opportunities or charitable events simply because these are mixed-gender environments. This is obviously not what God intended when He set restrictions between the genders such that business, learning and charity are all acceptable public (ie, mixed-gender) gatherings.

People who hide from social interaction that has been deemed lawful under the pretense of piety are called monks, and monasticism (even though it is a gender-segregated practice) is actually unacceptable in Islam.

This hiding is what I call the ‘fear zone’.

So what can we do?

The solution to the fear zone, the friend zone and ghosting is very clear: we need to move a little towards the middle. This involves interacting, speaking up, communicating.

“Salaam alaikum! I didn’t want to jeopardize our working relationship while that project was due, but now that it’s over I wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed working on that with you, and I would be interested in getting to know you better. [insert culturally appropriate next step here]”

Alternatively: “Salaam Alaikum, sir. I met your daughter while fundraising for the mosque, and I was wondering if you and I could meet up some time in the future…”

And if you are not comfortable doing it yourself, you can always get your own people on the case. But the point is to make the intention, then take action. Communicate.

Is it awkward? Yes.

Do you get all sweaty and feel funny? Yes.

Is it halal? Yes.

Let’s pretend you get rejected, because if not you’re married and who cares, go eat your chocolate cake somewhere else. So you get rejected. You now have to work with or near that girl for the rest of whatever term exists. So what? Look around you. Some of those non-Muslims have seen each other naked, then rejected each other. They still work together. Islam is easy. It lets us off the hook, and it gets us out of some major jams, which is why divorce rates are relatively low, and huge ‘drama’ is relatively contained. But Islam also challenges us where we need to be challenged.

We all need to work with members of the opposite sex every day; that’s how a proper society functions. Failing to learn to work with humans of all races, ability levels, ages and genders is not piety – the ability to treat everyone equally, to pursue your own happiness as equal to someone else’s and to get over your own ego is.

On that note, let me touch briefly on the other extreme. So she says no. So she says she’s only going to marry a [insert race] guy. So her father tells you that he’s going to shove your love poems so far up your *** that you’ll be farting Rumi for a week.

Let go. Move on, keep your head down and trust that God will help you when you are truly ready.

Also, women are not only out there to be your wife, and they usually don’t appreciate you leading with that insinuation. Never ask a woman to marry you if you don’t know what her mother calls her (no, her account name doesn’t count). Never ask a woman to marry you unless you can name a number of specific reasons that the two of you specifically are a good match for each other. If you don’t know these details, the next step isn’t to ask that woman to marry you so you can find out. It is to find a charity event you might both help out with, to get a recommendation from a mutual acquaintance, or maybe eventually to talk to her or her family directly.

And sisters, I apologize on behalf of my gender for the number of unsolicited proposals you get every day, as well as the overly generous critiques of your dress and behavior. Wallahi, we’re just like children fascinated by a pretty thing. But don’t assume that every guy who is interested will just propose to you on the spot. Some men are honestly thinking of marrying a woman who would be a good match, but she hasn’t noticed because he hasn’t made a move.

On the other hand, some of us find ourselves in the friend zone or the fear zone, and we disappear like ghosts – but we often curse ourselves for it in the end. So you can also be the first to ask around.

It’s over! That wasn’t so bad, was it?

Now you have time to halalicly ask someone out.

Source article amended from: https://medium.com/@abuisawebb/ghosting-vrs-stalking-the-muslim-middle-path-80287677fcb4

20 days ago

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South African Match! #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.

He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.

We did our Nikah last month (March 9th 2019).

About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.

I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.

My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.

It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,

I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".

I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.

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I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.

We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.

We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.

Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.

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We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.

Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.

His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.

Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.

The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.

We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.

Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).

I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.

Halima & Arshad

1 day ago

Egyptian Romance #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.

The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.  

We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.  

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I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.

I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside.  He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!

I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.

After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.

I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.  

Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.

It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.

I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.  

2 days ago

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Close Call #muzmatchsuccess

My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.  

We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!    

I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.

The next day he replied to me and the is history.  Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.  

Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.  

One last thing to everyone using the  muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!  

2 days ago

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