I happened to have an incredibly appalling conversation with a male friend the other day. It pretty much went like this:
“Hey did you end up finding a girl for yourself?”
“Yeah, I did, but I ended up rejecting the proposal. She was divorced and seemed quite sharp.”
But, to my surprise, his response didn’t really shock me. Even so, his comments still ring in my head. I was amazed at how an educated and sensible man like him could pass such a judgement. Unfortunately, we’ve been moulded to think divorced women are off limits. They just don’t stand a chance in the ‘marriage market’ we’re all so well acquainted with.
When I logged onto my Facebook account a few days ago, one of the first few things I spotted on my news-feed was a video of a divorced girl who was sharing her story. As I scrolled down, the very next post, which was shared by a friend, was also about divorce. I was moved by their stories; it’s not easy being a female divorcee, especially in Pakistan.
Over the past two decades, the divorce rate in Pakistan has significantly increased but our reaction to it hasn’t changed at all. It’s one of the most painful and devastating times for the couple, as well as the families involved. But, I personally feel that life becomes more of a living hell for women.
People’s reasons for refusing divorced women for marriage stem out of complete ignorance and stupidity. They find the most inane reasons to disregard divorced women as a prospect for marrying.
For instance: she drove her husband away within the first month.
Or better yet: she might have a loose character – that’s probably why she’s divorced.
It gets better.
Some go as far as to say that her degree or her job is the problem; that’s why she wasn’t and will never be capable of being a homemaker.
What’s worse is that women (the victims) themselves are perpetuators of this viciousness. They don’t stop to think it could happen to anyone, maybe their own daughters or sisters. Such allegations are completely immoral and being the devout Muslims we claim to be, we must be extremely careful before we speak – especially, when it comes to dishonouring a woman. Before raising a finger at a divorced woman, think about your daughter, sister, mother or aunt. Be mindful about “exposing” them to the world. Feel their vulnerability, empathise with the mental trauma that they have faced, or are continuing to face.
In our society, a woman is usually held responsible for a broken marriage. She is blamed, insulted, and ridiculed, while men go scot free. Men usually get a new life partner within months, years or in some cases, days. However, women can’t shrug off the label of ‘divorcee’ as easily; their label becomes more of a social stigma. For this reason they either choose to remain divorcees or take a really long time before ever opening up to the idea of remarrying.
Because let’s face it; why would society accept a woman who has been with another man and gone through divorce? That’s not how it works. We only want young and unmarried girls as prospective suitors.
And to be honest, most men don’t really want to marry a divorced woman either. Even if they do, either the family opposes or the ‘log kya kahay gei’ (what will people say) factor will kick in.
Expectations, interfering in-laws, incompatibility, forced marriages, greed, and intolerance are some answers. However, according to me, intolerance takes the first position in the list of reasons.
Divorce is a legal right and it is religiously allowed as well. But even then, it is discouraged by God. A happily ever after requires huge amounts of sacrifice, respect, and input at the beginning. In our society, the secret of a happy marriage is:
“Qabu karna or muthi mai rakhna,”
(Keep the woman in your control)
Unfortunately, there are no pills or magic spells that do that.
The secret to a successful marriage is to win hearts and winning someone’s heart requires a lot of effort. Along with this, tolerance is key.
Marriage is not about the mehndi, mayun, dancing, singing, dowry, clothes and food. It is an oath newlyweds take to face the ups and down of life together and to support each other in every walk of life. But nowadays, people spend millions on each event but don’t bother educating their children on such integral matters.
The nikkah ceremony has become a formality; no one pays attention to the clauses stated in the nikkah sermon. Families and guests are more interested in what’s on the menu and the giveaways and the bride and grooms families just don’t stop bragging about the customised items they have ordered for the wedding. People waste months shopping for the ‘perfect wedding,’ but no one takes out time to teach the bride or groom what to expect and how to react to different post wedding situations.
Is there no way to teach our children and future generations that marriage is a commitment; a unifying factor that needs to be nourished with patience, tolerance, love, humility and respect in order for it to bloom? Let’s not teach our children the wrong values, let’s learn to understand and not judge.
It is easier to condemn divorce than to understand what the reasons behind it were. It’s possible that the divorce was inevitable for reasons unknown to us. Our duty towards this issue is to not blame women or presume what led to their marriages falling apart; it is to teach ourselves and our children the aforementioned qualities.
Teach your sons not to slander and reject a woman because she is divorced. Teach your sons not to bad mouth a woman once he isn’t her husband anymore and vice versa. That is when we will be able to celebrate healthy relationships.
Get married, free, on muzmatch.
My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.
He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.
About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.
I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.
My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.
It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,
I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".
I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.
I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.
We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.
We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.
Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.
We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.
Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.
His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.
Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.
The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.
We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.
Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).
I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.
Halima & Arshad
My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.
The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.
We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.
I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.
I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside. He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!
I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.
After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.
I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.
Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.
It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.
I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.
Get married, free, on muzmatch.
My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.
We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!
I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.
The next day he replied to me and the is history. Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.
Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.
One last thing to everyone using the muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!
Get married, free, on muzmatch.