DIVORCE. It’s another one of those topics people don’t like to discuss. Specially if you are a Muslim and even more so if you are an Asian.But like other taboo issues, not talking about it doesn’t mean it does not exist within this community.
“Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them.” (Al Quran, 2:187)
We all know this verse from the Quran. Every person I know cites it to elaborate and make emphasis on the importance of a spouse and their duties to each other.
Sadly though, whether we like to admit it or not, there are times when no matter how hard each person tries, neither is feeling covered or comforted from their garment (i.e spouse).
Even more tragic is when one of them can no longer give the other the rights that Allah commanded them to give.
We all just want to be happy, and this is the case with most women I have come across.
Many are those who feel content with being provided for, but for most of us women, marriage is more than a business contract or being just roommates.
when I say that women want to be happy, I don’t mean that women need a lot of money, or the best looking husband. Most of us will give up any outward benefit in order to have a connection.
Whatever the cause of turmoil maybe, she needs support rather than skepticism. I remember when I used to speak about the dreaded ‘D’ word, room would go quiet, fingers would start pointing, and blame was given prematurely.
I have also seen and experienced personally that when a woman speaks up about her emotional, physical, or spiritual pain within a marriage she is met with the following:
- “If a woman prays her five (daily prayers), fasts her month (Ramadaan), guards her chastity and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise from whichever of the gates of Paradise you wish.’” [Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, no. 660]
- “The smell of Paradise is forbidden for any woman who asks her husband to divorce her without a valid (Islamic) excuse.” [At-Tirmithi]
- “Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women).” They asked, “Why is it so, O Allah’s Apostle?” He replied, “You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands.” [Muslim]
- “Be patient” because divorce pleases Shaitan.
There is NO doubt all of the above are sound advice. However, think for a moment what this means if said without further support, advice or clarification- The message received is that, no matter what kind of emotional or spiritual turmoil and distress she is experiencing, she would be better off suffering in silence.
Not only do we as a community avoid talking about what a “valid” reason is, we also imply that no matter what her reason is, it isn’t a “real” reason.
Take it from a former divorcee. It is EXTREMELY difficult for a woman to consider divorce. I did not wake up one day and suddenly think “Yes! today I will ask for a divorce!”
Some women contemplate divorce for months or even years, but she will ALWAYS hesitate.
I was constantly told that I had a problem with my iman (faith) for seeking divorce. Well, it is precisely because of her iman that a woman has this inner turmoil.
It is because of my faith, I was afraid of committing a sin. It is because of my faith, I was afraid of making too much of a big deal and being ungrateful. I was afraid of the stigma that is attached to being divorced (with or without children), and I was afraid of losing Allah’s blessing and gaining His wrath and pleasing Shaitan.
It is also important to add that without the proper support, her iman does suffer. And it suffers even more so because of the actual marital discord itself and because she is suffering ALONE.
All in all she is left feeling confused and trapped. On one hand, she has been told to “suffer and just deal with it” because that’s what a “pious and noble wife” would do. And on the other hand, she has this persistent tagging in her heart telling her “I don’t think Allah wants me to suffer like this. This is not what marriage is about .”
While it is true that there will always be some level of disagreement and suffering, Allah knows that each of us has a different level of tolerance.
Yes, divorce is discouraged, but it is permissible when we have reached our personal level of intolerance and no one knows when a woman has reached that level better than herself.
“If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing the husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report (Fath al-Baari) in which the wife of Thaabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jameelah the sister of Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and said, “O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thaabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behavior, but I hate to commit an act of kufr when I am a Muslim.” [The Ideal Muslimah]
Also, Ibn Abbaas said,
“Bareerah’s husband was a slave, who was known as Mugheeth…(after Bareerah asked for a divorce), the Prophet (peace be upon him) said to her, “Why do you not go back to him?” She said, “O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me to do so?” He said, “I am merely trying to intervene on his behalf”. She said, “I have no need of him.” [Fath al Baari]
If you are experiencing hard times in your marriage, try to find support from a trusted friend, ask around for a marriage counselor and as always, consult Allah through istikhara, asking for guidance on what’s best for you and your children, your spiritual, emotional, and physical health.
And if divorce does happen, know that it DOES NOT make you a bad Muslimah. It DOES NOT mean it’s the end of your marital life and that you will never find happiness. And most importantly it DOES NOT mean you are a failure.
Also know that, you WILL find solutions and you will heal only with faith as your anchor.
Disclaimer: I do not endorse marriages involving any form of violence, in cases of abuse, it’s outright obligatory to get yourself out of harm’s way!
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My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.
He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.
About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.
I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.
My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.
It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,
I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".
I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.
I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.
We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.
We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.
Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.
We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.
Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.
His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.
Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.
The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.
We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.
Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).
I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.
Halima & Arshad
My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.
The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.
We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.
I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.
I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside. He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!
I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.
After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.
I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.
Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.
It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.
I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.
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My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.
We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!
I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.
The next day he replied to me and the is history. Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.
Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.
One last thing to everyone using the muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!
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