For Muslims there is no better example or precedent of an ideal husband than the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). He was the most loving, kind, humble, merciful, compassionate, loyal, trust-worthy, and generous husband to ever have existed; indeed his example in every facet of life is perfect and the list of his attributes are far too many to enumerate, may the peace and blessings of God be upon him. For this reason, he is the standard every Muslim woman should use when looking for a spouse. For Muslim men, the standards of what to look for in an ideal wife are found in the prophetic tradition: “A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser.”
In addition to learning from the perfect example and advice of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), when considering prospective suitors it’s helpful to outline specific qualities and issues to think about. We’ve provided four important tips for you to keep in mind below:
1. Kindness: When you first meet someone, you may have instant physical attraction, but this should not be confused with love. Love is something you must work on. It has to be created and developed between the two of you. Kindness and giving create love. A love that is giving and kind is based on an internal connection and is more lasting. Physical attraction is an external connection and will fade over time. Love that is based on giving is because you care about the person, not because you want to get something back in return. This giving must go both ways. Both individuals must give to each other from a place of compassion and caring. So look for someone that is able to give to you and motivates you to give back to them. Marry a person you want to give to even if you get nothing back in return.
2. Common Goals: It’s very important to know yourself first and then consider whether you share common goals with your partner. Do you both have the same ideals, values, dreams, and aspirations? In essence, you should both be going in the same direction. If your partner has dreams and aspirations that go in the opposite direction from you, you cannot share a life together, even if that person is kind and giving. You might say, “What if they don’t have any goals and are willing to go in any direction I’m going”? Be careful of this type of thinking; being with a person who lacks self-awareness and direction in their life will only complicate your life. They need to mature and develop a sense of self before they can make important life-long decisions. Many couples find themselves on the road to divorce because after the initial honeymoon phase is over, one partner begins to realize their goals in life differ from those of their spouse. It’s important to be on the same page initially. Early on in the relationship, make it a point to discuss issues like how many kids you want to have, how you will raise them, what values you want to instill in them, and what type of lifestyle you want to have, etc. You must know what the other person’s goals are and really objectively consider if those goals are compatible with yours.
3. Consider the Whole Person: Learn to appreciate the whole person which includes the good, the bad, and the ugly. Realize that the person you care about has all the great qualities you enjoy as well as some you may not enjoy. Many people get into marriages with the unrealistic expectation or idealized sense of what a spouse is supposed to be. They focus so much on the hope that he/she will possess all the wonderful qualities of a spouse without considering the possibility of any negative ones. It’s this idealized expectation which oftentimes leads couples down the path of divorce. Going into a marriage with the realization that people are imperfect will help you see that with all the advantages that come with a wonderful partner, there will also be some disadvantages as well. Knowing and preparing for this in advance might lessen the shock and help you both work together at building the relationship you want. You will never have it all in a relationship. Ask yourself, what is more important to you? Is it more important to have someone you can have a deep and meaningful connection with or someone that will keep a nice and tidy house? You may not get both. Is it more important to you to have a responsible and reliable partner or someone that is fun and adventurous? What areas are you willing to compromise in?
4. Physical Appearance: Last but not least should be looks and physical attraction. Physical attraction isn’t necessarily based on a standard of physical beauty. What you find beautiful may not be what your friends find beautiful but it’s important that you like how they look. They don’t have to be physically perfect but they should definitely appeal to you. And keep in mind that looks alone cannot make the relationship. What matters more is how compatible you are, how giving you each are in the relationship, and how much you care about each other. The fact that you both find each other attractive is definitely important but try to see it as the icing on the cake instead of the main ingredient.
In order for any relationship to succeed you have to have the humility to recognize the limitations in yourself and in others. We are all from God and everyone has flaws and shortcomings. No one is perfect. For this reason, you must be willing to throw out the term “perfect” and compromise for the “good enough” relationship and the “good enough” partner. It’s unrealistic and arrogant to think you deserve perfection. Since you are not perfect you should learn to accept the imperfections of others. The one who thinks the world of himself is usually the one who expects the world from others.
The above article has been inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
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My name is Halima and I'm from Gauteng, South Africa and my husband (Arshad) is from Kwa-Zulu Natal, South Africa; we are both South African Indians.
He liked my profile on muzmatch on the 8th of April 2018 and on the 9th we started chatting and Alhamdulillah, today we are husband and wife.
About a month before I joined muzmatch I remember speaking to my mother in the kitchen as we cooked supper and she had full confidence that I'd be getting married soon.
I told her that I felt that maybe I'm just not meant to get married and be happy, taking into consideration that I personally felt like one could never find a decent man whose intention is to make Nikah in this day and age.
My Moulana had recommended that I join Nikah/Muslim match-making groups and muzmatch populated amongst my searches, so I downloaded the app and registered. After a while I had lost hope so I deleted the app from my phone but did not deactivate my profile.
It was a Monday morning, I had woken up to get ready for work,
I checked my phone and I had an email notification from muzmatch which read "Arshad likes you".
I was quite surprised; I looked at his profile and his biography was quite captivating but it seemed so surreal - this was too good to be true.
I used the link in his bio to view his Facebook profile, we had a mutual friend which was my cousin that also resides in Kwa-Zulu Natal, so I felt a bit more assured that this is definitely real considering that I had started to think that this could potentially be a catfish.
We started chatting that very morning and there was an instant click. It felt like we were long lost friends because of how well we understood each other and could complete each others sentences. We had the same interests and the same intention; we could speak for hours on end without running out of things to say.
We had realized that we are most definitely soulmates.
Within 2 weeks he called my parents to ask for my hand in marriage. In July 2018 (21st), I booked a flight to visit him and his mum for the day and after spending time together we knew that this was the right decision and that Allah SWT had created us for each other.
We then saw each other once again in August 2018 (25th - A surprise for my 21st birthday planned by him and my mum); and again in November 2018 when he flew up to attend my younger sister's wedding with his mum, younger sister and brother-in-law.
Slowly the long distance had become difficult, our younger sisters were both already married and settled and we started wondering when would we actually get married. In February this year he decided to relocate to Gauteng and found a temporary job.
His dad visited my parents and they decided to set a Nikah date, Alhamdulillah once the date was set everything fell into place by the will of Allah. He found a job as a PC Engineering lecturer and we were able to find our own place with our parents help and support.
Today I am happily married, living my dream with my husband and I have wonderful in-laws that love me as much as they love Arshad.
The most important quality I wanted in a husband was someone that could take my family as his own and Alhamdulillah I found that in Arshad.
We are now a huge happy family Alhamdulillah.
Jazak'Allah muzmatch! Arshad has found me due to the creation of this wonderful app (He always says that he found me, not the other way around).
I would advise everyone to put their trust and faith in Allah SWT, never give up hope that Allah SWT will send the one who is meant for you when the time is right - for Allah is the greatest of planners. May all the other individuals find their spouses through this app as well Insha'Allah.
Halima & Arshad
My name is Yasmeen and I found my husband, Taymoor, on muzmatch on the last day of last ramadan. We were both divorced.
The first time we talked on muzmatch was in June and we got married one month later in August 2018. I always wanted to send our story to inspire others who are searching for a good husband and wife.
We are both Egyptians, from Cairo, we even work & live very near to each others in New Cairo city. I am a digital marketing manager and Taymoor is an IT manager. I am 37 years old and he is 40.
I have a daughter who is 12 years old, and I was searching for a real Muslim man who would be a good husband and father. Finally I found Taymoor, who is a good man and a good Muslim, he is very kind.
I am telling my friends that I found someone who really looks like me from the inside. He was divorced and also has a kid, who is 5 years old. When we first chatted on muzmatch we spoke for over 6 hours, he was surprised much we got on, he even thought that this was a prank!
I couldn't believe that I finally found the man I was looking for. The first time we met, was after Eid al futr, in the House of Cocoa, as Taymoor knew that I loved chocolate. We talked about ourselves for over six hours, I did not want to leave and neither did he.
After we met I told my family and friends, and he did too. He and his family visited us and we got married in only two months, I never imagined that I would find my soulmate and marry him that fast.
I always wanted to find a man to trust and love, after being a single mom for years, I found out that my dream man was hard to find, but alhamdullah I found him on your app.
Alhamdullah, we are very happy together, my daughter lives with us and his son visits us on the weekends. You cannot imagine how much I am now recommending muzmatch to all my friends.
It didn't even take me long to find my husband. I used the app for almost one month or less.
I am so happy alhamdullah now that I married a real muslim I always wanted.
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My name is Sara and I just wanted to thank muzmatch and let you know that I finally got engaged on 24th December 2018 and found my Fiance - Ghazunfar on the App.
We are really happy Alhamdulilah and just wanted to thank you for creating a platform for Muslims to find a suitable match for marriage!
I believe it's a real blessing because initially we matched but we didn't talk as he hadn't read my messages and was not appearing online. After around 4 weeks, I unmatched however after some weeks I logged in and I came across his profile again. After some giving it some thought I decided to rematch and give it a try again.
The next day he replied to me and the is history. Its been a almost a year since we matched on Muzmatch and we have set the Nikkah date which will be 1st March 2019 in Rawalpindi, Pakistan.
Our families are very happy and we are looking forward to entering into the blessed union of marriage Insha'Allah. We just wanted to say keep up the good work, may Allah bless you and request that you keep us in prayers.
One last thing to everyone using the muzmatch App - please do not give up, there is someone out there for us all!
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