"My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude."
― Warsan Shire
Amid the hustle and bustle of modern life, in between demanding jobs and family duties, creating quiet time for ourselves has become something of a luxury. In a world that seems to place so much value on relationships and being in a couple, it's easy to forget how rewarding our single years can be. Whether you're single, engaged, or divorced, remember that you don't need a partner to enjoy the gift of life that Allah has given you. Trusting in Allah's plan is about accepting where we are in the present and submitting to the qadr of Allah.
If you plan it right, your single years can be some of the most rewarding times of your life.
Tawakkul, in short, means to rely on Allah as a source of our strength. Having tawakkul is learning to accept that Allah's plan is greater than ours. In the context of marriage, worrying about who we will end up with whilst we're still single has no benefit and robs us from enjoying our lives at present. Having tawakkul is empowering as it allows us to wilfully surrender to the power of Allah and trust that he will align us with the most suitable spouse.
Step one: pray, pray, pray and pray some more. Learn how to pray salat-al-istikhara and make it a routine in your life.
Next, learn to date yourself. Yes, date yourself. Dating yourself isn't about accepting a life of loneliness; it's about getting to know who you are as a person, what you want, and ultimately what you stand for.
Wander around an art gallery or museum
The quietness of a museum is a great place to reflect and just be still. You can learn a lot about the local history of your area, or the history of a completely different place altogether. It’s the perfect place to stay plugged in about current affairs and feel connected to something greater. Most museums and galleries have a cafe or somewhere quiet you can enjoy a hot drink. You can also purchase a souvenir to remember the day, or a book from the museum’s gift shop.
Check out the app Art Rabbit for listings on art exhibitions worldwide, including free ones!
Surround yourself in nature
Being at one with nature is one of the best ways to remind ourselves of the beauty and intricacy of Allah’s universe. It’s also a good way to introduce moments of reflection into your usual routine. Living in the city is no excuse! You can find a local park to sit and read, stroll by a river, or visit a city garden.
Join a weekend or evening class
Single or not, it’s always a good time to invest in your knowledge and skills. Most cities and towns have institutions which run weekend or evening courses on topics from art, history, literature, languages, and more.
You can also join an online course on sites such as Skillshare which operates worldwide, allowing you to learn from teachers from all around the world from the comfort of your home
Your single years are also the perfect time to study the rites of marriage and ensure that you are prepared for married life. Check if your local mosques offer courses in marriage rites. Alternatively, discover Muslim Central for curated podcasts and lectures on a marriage, including the fiqh of nikah.
Take yourself to a new restaurant
No need to check if anyone else is free or where they'd like to eat. Put yourself first by clearing some time in your calendar and reserving a table for one in that restaurant you've always wanted to try.
Volunteer for a charitable cause
Volunteering your time and skills to a charitable cause is also a form of sadaqah. You don’t have to offer great big chunks of your time, simply offer what you can for a cause you care about. The benefits of volunteering are endless; you’ll meet new people, learn new skills, and invest wisely in your akhirah.
Start a bullet journal
Bullet journals are becoming more and more popular these days. With so many styles and formats to choose from, you are sure to find something that suits your style of planning. It's a therapeutic way to keep on top of your goals, track your daily to-do list, and let out your thoughts. Find a chunk of time in your day, morning or night, to reflect on your notes and doodles.
Our body is an amanah (something Allah has trusted us with) so we should take care of it. That also includes our mental health. Sometimes all you need is a couple of hours to groom yourself whether that’s going to the hairdressers or making your own d.i.y face mask. Beautifying ourselves for non other than Allah is an act of worship. Looking our best on the outside can help us feel better inside too.
Get married, free, on muzmatch.
I was fourth time lucky with my husband on muzmatch. First there was overly excited Guy No. 1 who wanted to get the ball rolling and have our nikah asap, but then he freaked himself out by moving too fast. He then suggested we “slow things down” before disappearing. Guy No. 2 and I seemed to have a spark but then he ruined it all by sending inappropriate pictures on WhatsApp to which I replied, “I’m not that kind of girl” and “I’m sorry, but you can’t achieve something halal through haram methods” before ending it. I was so close with Guy No. 3. But then he had a nervous breakdown a few days before I was meant to meet his family and subsequently called it off. I deactivated the muzmatch app after Guy No.3, telling myself that matrimonial apps clearly weren’t meant for me and that I should resign myself to the single life until Allah throws someone my way. Four months later, I re-downloaded muzmatch, and the first guy I matched with is now my husband of two years. Alhamdulillah.
I could do a whole other post on how to navigate muzmatch and how to get the best out of your muzmatch experience – but maybe that’s a conversation for another time. For now I would like to share some of the things no one told me before I got married which I really wish they would have done.
Just like many young Muslims wanting to find their life partner, I sought advice and knowledge about finding a husband and ideas about what married life is like from my parents, YouTube videos with titles like “10 Tips for Finding a Spouse,” and books with titles like The Ideal Muslim Wife. I even listened to lectures given by Sheikhs, but guess what? No one told me or prepared me for what married life is actually like.
1. It was going to be just me and my husband in our own little world, no one else was going to be involved and I would only have to visit my in-laws twice a year.
2. As each day dawned, my husband and I would fall deeper and deeper in love and it would be all butterflies, smooches and cuddles on the sofa, and each night I would fall asleep in his arms and every morning I would wake up to him spooning me.
3. I would be the perfect Muslim wife who would surprise my husband on weekends with breakfast in bed, spend evenings with him lying with his head on my lap, with me stroking his soft black hair as I read the Qur’an over him.
4. There would be lots of spontaneous sex and even though the sex would always be impromptu, I would already be wearing pretty Ann Summers lingerie under my clothes.
It turned out I wasn’t just marrying him, I was marrying his entire family; I even ended up living with my in-laws for several months. There were no make-out sessions on the sofa (of course not with his parents and siblings always around), I have never made him breakfast in bed, and I thought we were having lots of sex if we managed to have it once a week. The Ann Summers lingerie was purchased but a lot of it is still in its packaging and I prefer to seduce my husband wearing my Snoopy pyjamas. But Alhamdulillah, we have made it; the love did grow and my friends weren’t lying when they said the first year of marriage is tough.
If you are currently navigating muzmatch and speaking to someone who you potentially think could be “The One” Inshallah, these are some honest, realistic bits of advice about getting married that your mum, dad, aunt and Sheikh on YouTube may not tell you.
Try to spend some time with your potential in-laws before you tie the knot. While it is not a rule of thumb that your potential spouse will have turned out exactly like their mother or father, they will have inherited or (through their upbringing) picked up some similar characteristics. My mother is an English revert and I have inherited many of her personality traits. Get to know your potential in-laws and any power dynamics between your spouse and their parents because it is most likely that if they live in the same country, after marriage, you will be spending more time with them than you may have previously envisioned. You also want to figure out the dynamics of the relationship between your spouse and their parents as this will affect your own marital relationship. It is true that in most cases when you get married, you do marry each other’s family.
You really need to acknowledge that the first year of married life is tough. Even if you are lucky to marry someone you are head over heels in love with, it is different when you start living together. They will have habits at home you wouldn’t have picked up on while “courting” prior to marriage and these habits may be annoying, and sometimes even difficult to put up with. You will have arguments and fights – I remember the first time I had an argument with my husband I freaked out because I thought each argument spelt the end of our marriage but actually it is very normal to argue. You need to go into marriage with the patience of a saint if you want it to be successful. Kindness, patience, good communication and compassion are the keys to a successful marriage. Maybe have a premarital discussion on bad/annoying habits and see which ones you can agree to work on and whether any of them are deal breakers.
You need to accept the fact that your spouse will not tell you everything before marriage and be ready for it. So, don’t be surprised if a few weeks after your honeymoon they spring something on you. Don’t forget that when you are getting to know someone before marriage and you are in your engagement period, you will most likely both be presenting the best versions of yourselves. And your friends and family aren’t going to tell your spouse-to-be about your bad breath, bowel issues and about that ex-boyfriend/girlfriend because they want to see you succeed and get married. If your spouse does reveal something after you have already gotten married, unless it is an absolute deal breaker (e.g. they had committed a heinous crime like murder) instead of getting angry and shouting “you lied to me! Why didn’t you tell me this before we got married?” you are going to have to have a grown-up discussion about it and decide to move on.
You will not be the “ideal” Muslim spouse that those Sheikhs write about in their books who cooks their spouse their favourite meal for dinner every day, wakes their spouse up at fajr and prays with them in jamaa’ah, and who never EVER rejects their sexual advances. And hey, it’s okay. It’s time we stopped pressurising ourselves to be the “perfect” Muslim husband/wife. We need to be striving to be better people, not perfect people, for the sake of Allah, which in turn will naturally lead to you being a better spouse. It’s totally fine if you have had a tough day and can only manage to pop a frozen pizza into the microwave for dinner, and it is okay to be tired and not in the mood for sex. If you are having a tough day every day, and if you are never in the mood for sex, then maybe there’s something going on that needs discussing and addressing with your spouse or your GP.
I never knew how stroppy I could be until I got married. I had forgotten what it was like to be moody or spiteful because it had been about fifteen years since I had been a teenager and had gone through that phase of fighting and arguing with my parents and siblings every day. Just before I got married, I had reached a point in my life where I was good friends with my siblings and I was the closest I had ever been to my parents. I was a picture of calmness and serenity and I honestly believed I was going to continue being this peaceful person when I got married. I even remember telling my husband on the phone one day before we got married, “I just want to settle down and live a peaceful, quiet and drama-free life.” And then I got married, the honeymoon period was over and I felt like I had regressed back into my teenage self, saying spiteful things when he was rude to me, giving him the silent treatment after an argument and losing my temper when he would wind me up and do annoying things (like criticising my cooking methods as I tried to cook dinner after a long day at work). So please don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally lose your temper at your spouse, you are not a crazy or horrible wife/husband.
What the Muslim community in each country needs are more realistic talks about marriage, both from our Sheikhs and from our fellow Muslim brothers and sisters, and we need safe spaces in our localities where we can meet up and have open discussions about what it is actually like to look for a spouse and get married, instead of the far-fetched idealistic advice given in lectures and books that doesn’t translate into real-life marriage at all. In that way, the number of Muslim couples who rush into a divorce before the first year is out just might decrease.
Yousra is an English-Egyptian hybrid who hails from London but lives in Yorkshire and has been writing since the moment she learned to hold a pen. She works full time in marketing and events, and has been writing professionally since 2008. Her first novel, “Hijab and Red Lipstick” will be published by Hashtag Press in October 2020 (inshallah). You can pre-order it now from www.hashtagpress.co.uk/shop
More thank 2 million people from all over the world are now using muzmatch to help them find their Muslim partner! What a way to start the new year. We want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has supported and joined us so far 💜 we're in this together.
In four years we have hit...
We hope 2020 is the year you find your perfect Muslim partner inshAllah! Thanks again to all of you – we're excited about what’s coming next!
Even after 45,000 marriages, we at muzmatch are still extremely touched when we read success stories from couples who found love on the app. But, Atfia and Azim’s love story is one of the most heartwarming journeys we’ve come across.
As a cancer survivor, Atifa struggled to meet someone who could understand her journey. Until she met Azim, a grieving widower, on muzmatch❣️
Shortly after they met, and fell head over heels for each other, sadly she got the awful news that the cancer may have returned. Azim stood by her, supported her and told her he wasn’t going anywhere.
His own struggles as a single dad, and a widower meant that he knew that Allah was testing them, and refused to give up.
‘As cliche as it sounds, it was love at first sight, or rather The Qadr and mercy of Allah.’ - Azim
After Atifa was given the all clear by her doctors Alhamdulillah, her and Azim had their nikah a few months later and have since been living a blissful married life in Southend.