I was only on muzmatch for 3 days!

23 December

Caution: This muzmatch success story covers some sensitive topics, if you’ve been affected please look at the contact details below for people you can talk to.

“Our muzmatch love story was so amazing Alhamdulillah, I don't know if I can do it justice with words on paper”

I had just graduated from Uni and wedding proposals had started to come in. My Mum was on my case because she knew I was single and was not planning on starting the search for my other half - which ultimately meant she took every proposal that came very seriously (even if they didn't align well with me at all).

I was planning a trip to Bangladesh in Nov that year for my cousin's wedding. My Khala (mum's sister) from Bangladesh calls up and says she has a groom ready for me who would like to see me when I make my trip back home. I was mortified!

Wedding Rings on Rock
Photo by Denny Müller / Unsplash

How did my "Single, Independent Lady trip" become a "Get her married ASAP trip"?! I told my Mum and Dad that I am very uncomfortable with this. They said, if I didn't want them to pursue love interests for me - I had to find (or at least try to find) one myself.  At that point, one of my best friends had just recently downloaded muzmatch and told me about it. To keep my Mum and Dad quiet, I downloaded it too. The intention was never to find anyone, but just to keep Mum and Dad off my back.

If you’re wondering why I wasn’t eager to marry, let me tell you my backstory...

I am a survivor of Childhood Abuse by a close family member. As I write the sentence, I know it will make everyone uncomfortable and while I apologise for making you feel like that, it's a fact of my life that has shaped so many of my experiences. It is also, sadly, a pretty common experience. Chances are our experiences of how it was dealt with is also common (i.e. stay quiet, protect the honour of the family and victim blaming). I won't go into anymore, it's all one google search away.

I spent a decade of my life silent, and when I did break my silence - my extended family and the community broke me. It took me a lot of doctor appointments, therapy sessions, several medications, a deferred year of uni and most importantly - time - to get myself to a stage where I can feel human again.

As you can imagine, this kind of topic is extremely taboo in our community. Extended family, close cousins and friends refused to help me because they were concerned about how their own reputation would be tarnished should they associate themselves with me and my trauma. "Who will marry my daughters?!"

You can understand why I thought no one would ever marry me and I was actually okay with that. I lost the ability to trust, but I worked extremely hard to get myself to a position where I was enough.

After reading the above, I hope it makes more sense as to why I wasn't keen on trying to find someone. I was still recovering and trying to convince myself that I deserved to live; I was not ready to sell to someone why they should love me and plan a life with me.

Back to my muzmatch story

Ultimately, as mentioned I downloaded muzmatch to get the parents off my back with their strange and weird proposals. I was active on the app for 3 days where I matched with dozens of people; out of them 3 managed to hold very good conversation and only 1 managed to take my number. This shocked me as in my head, I was adamant that I wasn't going to give my number out. However, this one person, somehow wriggled himself in…

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash

We spoke for 3 months purely as friends as I had told him I am not interested in a relationship yet and he was completely okay with that. We started speaking properly at the end of Nov when I came back from my trip to Bangladesh. We met for the first time in Feb with my brother and my friend in tow.

The first meeting clearly went very well. He impressed my friends and my brother. He also became extra eager towards me which had me feeling anxious because he didn't know about my trauma and what I was (and will always be) going through.

We organised a second meet - just me and him this time; and I decided to tell him everything! I needed him to know.

He was shocked, curious, filled with sadness but ultimately extremely supportive.

From then on it was all so fast! He met with my parents, who they advanced to speaking with his parents. Their family came over to see me in September of the same year. The next month, my family went to his. Next month (Nov 29th) we had our Nikkah!

How are we doing now?

Alhamdulillah 4 years strong! And inshAllah a lifetime more to go.

I thank Allah everyday for giving me the man of my duas and I pray for everyone searching for their love. Have faith, have sabr. It will feel completely hopeless, but please, please believe that Allah loves you and he has a reason for everything.

My suffering, my trauma - every nightmare, scream and tear - has been rewarded with a marriage that is filled with all the ups and downs of a normal marriage and immense gratitude towards each other. I still suffer from reactive depression and PTSD, but I now have a husband who listens to me, helps me book my therapy sessions and reminds me I am loved and never alone.

If you or anyone you know has been affected by the topics covered in this story, please contact:
The National Association for People Abused in Childhood:  offers support, advice and guidance to adult survivors of any form of childhood abuse.
Victim Support:  provides emotional and practical help to victims or witnesses of any crime, whether or not it has been reported to the police.

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