It's finally here! The agony aunt you never knew you needed 😉
The two aunties answering your questions today have an acclaimed wealth of knowledge on dating and muzmatch, as they have both been on the app. Found Love On muzmatch has, you guessed it, actually found love on muzmatch. While Kissed A Few Frogs has acquired a great amount of insight into red flags and relationship Dos and Don'ts from her own experiences of dealing with all the f***boys.
Disclaimer: Their responses are just their opinions, so follow it at your own risk!
I’m a Lebanese Muslim living in Dearborn. My area is filled with Lebanese muslims. But moving to America has really westernised the majority of us, most people here aren’t practicing- wearing a headscarf is literally just a fashion statement. It’s already so hard to find a husband when no one is very practicing, but it’s made harder by the fact that my parents want me to go for a Lebanese guy only.
But I’ve been keeping a secret from them, I’ve actually met a Jamaican revert on muzmatch, he’s honestly amazing, and it really inspires me seeing how he came from a background where there was no Islam and he managed to find love for the religion by himself, whereas the guys I know that are born in to the religion and lucky enough to have praciting families don’t care about Islam at all.
He wants to meet my parents to talk about marriage- he’s been asking for weeks now but I keep putting it off. It scares me. I know exactly how they’ll react when they see him, they’ll say no straight away. But I feel I am old enough to make my own decisions, and I have never felt this way about any other guy. I don’t want to upset my parents, but I also don’t want my partner to suffer from my parents' racism. I get nervous just thinking about bringing this up to my family.
I would really appreciate some advice.
Thank you so much!
Us Muslims seem so have a hard time distinguishing between culture and Islam. Your parents having an issue with him being Jamacian rather than Lebenese is a completely cultural issue and absolutely nothing to do with Islam. As long as the man you’re marrying is a devoted Muslim, the colour of his skin should not matter. And the man you’re describing sounds like a wonderful person - by bringing up marriage and meeting your parents, it shows he’s serious about you and not just playing around.
So you’re just going to have to rip the bandaid off and tell your parents.
My advice would be to maybe tell one of your parents first, probably the more chill out of the two and then hopefully they can help convince the more stubborn parent. If both your parents are fairly strict then try talking to other relatives. Your siblings, your aunt or uncles or cousins. Anyone you think may be sympathetic towards your situation. Because your parents need to see that what you’re doing isn’t wrong, and seeing other family members support you will be helpful.
I had a friend who fell in love with a Sudanese and her Pakistani family were totally against it. She had to fight for him for 3 years before they finally agreed. But she’s the happiest she’s ever been now. It’s worth it to fight for what you want in my opinion. So don’t give up hope if your parents aren’t receptive to begin with. We have to understand that this goes against everything they ever dreamed of when thinking about your future. So give them the time they need.
Sending all my love and duas x
Unfortunately this situation is far too common within our community. First and foremost we must address that racism has no place in Islam, the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) literally said “An Arab has no superiority over a non arab, and a White man has no superiority over a Black man...”. If your parents meet with him and reject him just because of his race despite his good character and deen, then they’re going against the religion and teachings.
Ok so, as your parents don’t know anything yet, you’ll need to bring it up to them first. I think the worst thing is to surprise them with this, you need to gradually ease them into it. I would say start off by telling them you have a suitor who is interested in marriage, and then tell them all the positive qualities about his character, his religion, and how he treats you. Being Lebanese myself, I’m sure the question of where he’s from will come up immediately. Be honest and tell them where he’s from.
If they quickly shut you down, I would say keep trying and ask them just to meet him once. You never know they may come round to the idea. When it came to my marriage, my parents were also against it. I had to ease them into the idea. My (now) husband went to talk to them about marriage, they said no. We waited a couple of months and brought it up again, and told them that islamically they knew it was the right thing to do, Alhumdillalah they came round to the idea and let us marry eventually. It was a super scary experience but it worked.
Next I would advise you to seek the help of relatives and friends who would be on your side to help support you and talk to your parents, if this still has no effect, then definitely seek the help of an imam or religious figure in your community. Hopefully hearing it from someone else, especially a religious authority, will have some effect on them.
If this still doesn't work, well, as you said you are an adult now. As hard as it sounds, you’ll have to choose what’s best for you, maybe you marry him and alienate the people around you, but at the end of the day your parents love you, and I’m sure they wouldn't cut you off because of something like this. Before making any decisions though be sure to pray salat istikhara.
Best of luck with everything!
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