Closed Doors

Have you ever been in a situation where something that you planned goes awry, and you end up with what seems like the exact opposite of what you sought?

Perhaps you were getting to know somebody, or pursuing a potential proposal – everything was in order, and you envisioned a life with this person, but it just didn’t work out.

Perhaps you spent weeks revising for that one exam – you had the ideal timetable, all your notes were in order and you were working hard every day… Only for the exam to be a disaster.

Perhaps you desperately wanted to work for a particular company: it was your dream job throughout your studies, and all your efforts were geared towards it – but when the time came you just kept facing rejections.

Perhaps years back you imagined you would achieve a list of milestones  – but now you’re here, things have not turned out as you expected.

At such times, four negative things can happen:

1. You become so despondent that you stop aiming for your original goals altogether.
2. You increasingly compare yourself to others who, in your perception, seem to be moving forward, gaining success, while you are not.
3. You start to feel resentful, even angry, at what seems like an unfair situation.
4. You forget about the blessings in your life and those things that have gone right for you.

If you ever find yourself feeling this way, remember the story of Prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him. He was the son of Prophet Yaqub (as), the grandson of Prophet Is’haaq (as), and the great grandson of none other than the beloved friend of Allah, Prophet Ibrahim (as).

When Yusuf (as) was young, he saw a dream:

…Joseph said to his father, “O my father, indeed I have seen [in a dream] eleven stars and the sun and the moon; I saw them prostrating to me.” (Qur’an, 12:4)

So there were signs that this young boy was destined to be great – no doubt many people had very high expectations for Yusuf. So much so that his elder brothers became jealous of him.

And yet, for all of the beautiful signs, dreams and expectations – look at the events that occurred in his life. The ‘downward spiral’ all began when Yusuf’s brothers plotted against him, and threw him down a well.

Things did not get better from there – they only got worse and worse. Yusuf was then taken by some merchants and sold as a slave – this young boy, from one of the most illustrious families known to humanity, was brought down to the lowest, rock bottom, level of society. And if that was not painful enough, he then had to work and grow up in the house of the Aziz whose wife did everything she could to tempt him to commit zina. The gravest physical, financial, psychological and moral trials were heaped on this young man – for anyone who reads the story of Yusuf for the first time, who do not know what Allah (swt) had in store for Yusuf later on in his life – this must have seemed incredibly unfair, the young man had done nothing to deserve any of this.

The tests came to a head when Yusuf (as), who had guarded his honour so resolutely, was then accused by the wife of the Aziz, and rumours were being spread about him. The trials that took place in the household of the Aziz led Yusuf to make a desperate plea to Allah (swt), to take him out of there. But in fact, this house – which seemed like a disaster, was in fact saving Yusuf (as) from an even worse situation, and this tribulation was in fact the means through which Yusuf (as) would eventually gain his liberty.

Indeed, Yusuf (as) gained more than that – the test of being imprisoned allowed Yusuf to prove his innocence, it affirmed his dignity, it allowed him to then serve in one of the highest positions in the kingdom, through which he was able to help other people, and finally it paved the way for him to be reunited with his family. And the deep disease that existed within his family, that of envy, was also cured.

Allah (swt) is Al-Lateef, His plans are ingenious and subtle. It took a long time for Allah’s plan to become fully apparent, which required a lot of patience and trust from His prophet. But because of that patience, and because of that unwavering faith, the blessings and rewards bestowed upon Yusuf (as) were far greater than anything he or anyone else could have ever imagined.

If God has written something to be yours – it will be. The timing may be different to others. The journey may be different to others. But it will be yours.

Remember, Allah (swt) does not place a burden on any soul greater than they can bear – so when Allah (swt) tests you, it is because He has confidence in you; He knows you can pass the test, and wants to give you something much greater than the thing that you are seeking.

And it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know.” (Qur’an, 2: 216)

So keep trying, and keep nurturing your faith in the meantime. When doors are closed, know that Allah (swt) is al Fattah, The Opener, and the trials you face may in fact be a blessing in disguise. If you face blocks and detours, know that they are necessary parts of the journey, to get you to a higher level than you ever hoped for insha’Allah. If only we knew what His plans were for us, our hearts would melt from the warmth of His love.

 


The muzmatch app is where Single Muslims meet. Halal, free and fun, thousands of members find their partner on muzmatch. Alhamdullilah over 10,000 people have found their partner on muzmatch around the world! Quality profiles, advanced filters, photo privacy, and cutting edge security make it easy to help you find the ONE.

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Source of inspiration for this article: On Closed Doors

 

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86 Responses

  1. Ameer says:

    You know, I really needed this, a culmination of events recently have made me feel this way and just when I was geeling at my lowest, your lots message to read this came up. This has given me strength. May Allah swt bless you abundantly 🙂

    • Abdulaziz says:

      I noticed that the more time I spend “searching” on muzmatch the “lowest” I will feel. I’m guessing it’s a combination of frustration, disappointment and turn downs.

      We are flipping through dozens of inactive accounts, alternate accounts, accounts that look like some sort of social experiment, and when I’m lucky coming across a human being it’s either a scammer or someone trying to “sell” something.

      The idea of muzmatch is absolutely wonderful. However the system is turning more into “shopping” rather than matching.

      • Carmen says:

        Wow, this brings perspective to what I’ve been going through. I thought men had it easier on this app. I feel judged without getting the opportunity to know someone.

      • Nk says:

        I totally agree. Flipping through profile to profile has started to make me feel desensitized and disappointed. Remember, don’t soely reply on the app. Ultimately, rely on Allah and look for other opportunities to meet potential spouses that isn’t online / through apps. May Allah make it easier for us all, Ameen.

  2. Abdulaziz says:

    Muzmatch feels like another episode of Come Dine With Me. Every person thinks he’s superior and their sole role is to evaluate the other.

  3. Sabra says:

    I agree with the brothers. I have never wanted to put myself out there but now that i am, I feel like I’m being punished for doing so. Im judged for my age, not wearing Hijab, or my personality. When I look back at my comments and reevaluate my conversations, my biggest mistake is that I’m too nice. Because I’m worried about this closing window of time, I let myself be treated worse than I would let my friends be treated. I try to tell myself that I’m just being proactive and sincere and Allah will reward me. Now I’m beginning to accept that I will probably never be a mother and pray for patience from Allah to live with it. While Muzmatch was probably created with the best of intentions, I wish that people would use it that way. After all, we all come to this world with a blank slate and leave only with our deeds- good and bad.

    • Ree says:

      Yaa sister. I’m sorry that you feel that way. I hope Allah will give you the chance to find a righteous spouse and bless you with beautiful children. Allah makes the impossible possible. I love you for the sake of Allah. Hang in there.

      From your sister in deen.

    • MJ says:

      Well, I’m a man and I’ve been on Muzmatch for over a year and before that on other wellknown Muslim matrimonial sites for several years and no luck! My personal experience is that despite sending hundreds and hundreds of messages over the years, only a very few replied. On Muzmatch it’s like trying to get blood out of stone. Women receive too many interests and only reply to the ones they are attracted to and ignore the rest. Plenty of men are experiencing this.

      As with a lot of people misusing Muzmatch, social media culture of posting selfies is what most people indulge in these days to receive compliments, likes etc. These kind of people can’t live without validation and only boosts their egos, making them not take seriously the task of searching for a spouse.

  4. OG says:

    This whole process of trying to find half my deen for 7 years now, has made me a worse muslim not a better one. I guess its not written for me, so I’ll be disgruntled for the rest of my life. And I thought men were supposed to have an easier time getting married.

  5. Jaabir Aden Melez says:

    ASALAM ALAIKUM brother’s & sisters this is ma 8 year trying ma best to find just a modest,simple& humble muslimah whom we we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together but now a have reached to a conclusion that ma efforts where in vain. having extended a hand to many families whom a knew had some daughters &visited and registered in countless web sites now a fell like giving up all together.

    • Leemert 001 says:

      Assalamu alaikum brother. Even the women are not finding it easier too, you will send lots and lots of like to people but they will be feeling superior or thinking too big to reply or like you back. Am also tired too because this world is full of fake people😔😔

  6. KeepingItReal says:

    It’s a well known fact that searching for a partner online is extremely difficult than offline. There has been tons of research and experiment conducted to prove this. Just type ‘online dating is a waste of time’ in google search and you’ll come across dozens of websites where men express their experiences of getting no responses online.

    What most people fail to identify is that Feminism and modern social and digital culture of uploading selfies has created opportunities for women to receive compliments, likes and interests from hundreds of men compared to how things were without this technology. Unfortunately this creates a mindset and attitude where one’s ego gets inflated ‘I’m so hot, look at the hundreds of men chasing me’.

    • Abdulaziz says:

      This is fine. The problem is when they wait for Mr Perfect… so they turn down many in hope for him to come.

      The thing is, this is real life and we are real humans. No one is perfect. Unless you trust in God and take the leap you will only keep meeting more men, have your heart hardened and your age wasted.

      It’s a pity.

  7. KeepingItReal says:

    Research and experiments have been conducted whereby 80% of women go after the top 20% of men with the good looks, money and status. These men are at the highest rank and desirable. The rest 80% of the men are considerered average or below average, who are ignored and invisible. It has also been researched and experimented that women do in fact judge a man’s looks first just like a man judges a woman’s looks first but women do not admit this and will say she’s looking for a decent, confident man etc.

    It has also been researched and experimented that men who are not photogenic will not find anyone online.

  8. KeepingItReal says:

    The times and society we’re living in today allows women to enhance their natural looks in order to look stunning and reject a man based on his natural looks because he’s not naturally handsome. Online searching is based primarily on looks and men who are not photogenic will face constant rejection and disappointment. On the other hand, women are allowed to wear make up to be photogenic models. It’s not a level playing field where one gender is allowed to enhance their looks with make up and the other is not allowed but both genders are judged on their looks!

    • Speaker says:

      Perhaps you should target women who have no makeup on their profiles then. Often men reach out to better looking women than themselves which is bound to be disastrous. I studied psychology and finding a partner with the same level of attractiveness as you often leads to success. Even if it means marrying an older, widowed, divorced woman, try it if you value a long marital happiness over a fleeting moment of lust.
      After all the dating app seems to cater to shallow people who like to window shop- men are very guilty of this too. They won’t settle just for a nice looking lady but a skinny one. What will happen after her many pregnancies I wonder? *le gasp* Probably leave her for a younger skinner model.

      • KeepingItReal says:

        Speaker, you are making assumptions. How do you know if I don’t message women without make up and divorced women? I message a whole spectrum of women. Often, women with heavy make up look completely different without! What’s their level of attractiveness? With or without make up? They then believe they are supermodels because gullible men chase them and they’ll expect the man to be naturally handsome. You’re missing the point. Online matrimonial and dating apps / websites are not level playing fields. You don’t have to study psychology to know what’s going on. Research has been done by psychologists and sociologists that women do indeed place a man’s looks first but most women don’t admit it. To get a true answer from a woman about attraction, you need to conduct social experiments and watch how she behaves, not listen to what she says!

        • KeepingItReal says:

          PS – not every guy is looking for a skinny model. Some of us appreciate and are attracted to a whole variety of women.

      • MikhaEl says:

        Speaker, I say, respectfully, that you are making some serious generalizations. I can only speak for myself and a few others. But all men on this App aren’t here to window shop. The goal is to find a suitable Muslim wife. However, from reading many of the women’s profiles, it is clear to me that a great majority of them are indeed window shopping. Their goals are soooo unrealistic, “…he must love cats,” “he must love coffee,” or she’s only 4 feet tall, yet says for you to swipe left if you’re not over 6 feet in height, and the list goes on. And they wonder why they are unwed. And what happens is that these women continually get older, and their appeal begins to wane. To suggest that someone settle for an older woman is not realistic if a man desires to have children. There are many older women on this App that I receive likes from, and I am physically attracted to them, but they are too old to have children. I mean no disrespect with this comment. I am simply addressing the broad statement regarding men on this App.

        • Keeping It Real says:

          Spot on. Some of these women (i.e feminists) don’t have a clue as they’re too busy with their feminist mentality and lifestyle, being independent, not wanting to marry or have children despite men showing interest in them while young, focusing on their careers then thinking of marriage when it’s too late to have children, desperately in search of a younger man. Why on earth would a single, never married, younger man want to marry an older woman that is close to menopause? Most people (men and women) desire to have children when they get married and it seems women these days don’t want to settle until they meet their Mr Perfect / Prince Charming who never turns up. Then when her biological clock ticks in her mid to late 30s her list of requirements starts to get smaller, she’s willing to compromise when her appeal is waning as fewer men show interest. That’s biology and reality.

          • MikhaEl says:

            Indeed. I feel that romance novels and television hype is at the root of this situation. Women can’t separate fiction from reality.

          • Keeping It Real says:

            Feminism is cancer in our societies.

            Remember shaytan promised Allah that he will lead astray as many people as possible to hell. In 1960s an ideology came about called feminism. Those idiotic feminists never foresaw how society would turn into by brainwashing women that going out there being independent and competing with men is the way forward. Fast forward to 2018, you now have countless of men and women who can’t find a suitable match mainly because the woman won’t accept a man less educated, earning less than her or he doesn’t meet her standards in other areas. It’s an insult to her. She’ll turn down scores of men. She’s not bothered as she can easily find another man showing interest in her. The cycle is endless. Abundance and disposable culture. Feminists want to become men and they want men to behave in a way that suits them i.e emasculated and submissive. While the feminist is single, she fights for women’s rights for privilege which she calls ‘equality’. When it comes to searching a spouse, all of a sudden hypergamy kicks in where the man has to look after and provide for her, he has to be equally educated or higher, earning as much or higher, have his own property etc. What a joke feminists are then they start crying why they are single and can’t find a man who will put up with her feminist BS. Where are all the REAL feminine ladies these days? No man wants to marry a woman (i.e a feminist ) who behaves like a man!

        • Speaker says:

          You receive likes from many older women but they are too old to have children?

          Astagufirullah. I’m in my 20’s still and I would refuse to marry an older man, especially if he thinks like this about older women- my older sisters in Islam. Old men are like uncles to me. I cannot see them in a romantic way.

          These older women like you but you reject them because you want to father kids with a young lady. You don’t have time to be rejecting because you are old too. Raising kids needs stamina. Trust me, I have been raising my little siblings as a teenager. So be realistic, if you cannot wake up at 2am every night to cradle your baby, don’t father kids. If you cannot run to school last minute because your kid was sick, don’t father kids. Kids make a lot of mess, need a lot of attention and to depend on your wife to deal with all that is cruel.

          My parents married young and they have had the strength to cope with raising us. Now they have gone older, I look after them. There is no way my 50 year old dad can be a dad to a newborn child anymore.

          You still want to be a dad?

          Well adopt then. Don’t marry to have kids. Having kids of your own is a selfish choice. Adopting a child gives them a home and a loving family and that will please Allah. We are told to be kind and hospital to the orphans in the Quran. Yet I see many men only wanting to produce their own kids. Also if these men wanted to father kids, they should have married earlier then.
          If you are an old man, marry someone old too, because that is appropriate for your age. True love happens when you stop being selfish and be thankful for the spouse Allah has given you. Don’t forget Prophet Zachariah’s wife was old to have kids but God granted her one. Whatever God wills, it will happen. If you love Allah, you will refrain from obeying your nafs/ego/lust. True faith begets blessings from Allah.

          And I am NOT making any generalizations. I have seen a lot of profiles showing how shallow men are. This big 6ft mixed raced man with a thick neck wants women who have the body of little girls. He even listed the dress size of women he prefers and guess what? There were all underweight. This was sheer hypocrisy. Why doesn’t a size 12 woman deserve to be considered for marriage? Or a 14, 16, 18. They will shut down a woman who is even a little bit of fat. Or dark.
          That’s just one example. Most men won’t admit how shallow they are but prove it with their actions.

          The key word is most men. I have met some polite men too but they loved other things more than Allah. Some loved football the most, some loved themselves the most ,their family the most…etc.

          It’s not wrong to have preferences but it is wrong to be too extreme and unrealistic. I love coffee but I don’t care if my husband dislikes it. I just want him to love me.

          I am not saying you haven’t had bad experiences with women. I am saying I have bad experiences with men on Muzmatch. What do you do when something isn’t working for you?

          Vent for a bit, turn to Allah and then….

          You move on.

          • KeepingItReal says:

            Speaker, firstly we’re not old men. We’re young. Again, you’re making an assumption. Secondly, you haven’t read what I said about feminists. They receive many interests from men when young but these feminists don’t want to marry until they meet Mr Perfect when they get old. How is a young man supposed to get married earlier rather than later when the feminists delay marriage for their personal reasons?

            If people don’t voice their experiences then how are people expected to understand what eachother is going through? To move on is not to address the issue but expect things to automatically and miraculously improve.

            That 6ft mixed race guy sounds ridiculous. There are some men and women with unrealistic requirements. Genuine people are finding it hard.

          • Kaffy says:

            Thank you for all these comments sister

          • MikhaEl says:

            Speaker You are making seriously ridiculous generalizations, and word-twisting. The advent of feminism has clouded your sense of reality, and deluded many women into feeling that men and women are equal. Design denotes function. A man does not have a biological clock in regards to having children. A woman does – Case closed. Secondly, you say that I’m old. Old is relative. Age is not based on solar years. Age indicates deterioration of the body. If you have to take care of 50 year old parents, this means that they have seriously neglected their health. You can’t measure my stamina against parents who’ve failed to maintain a healthy lifestyle. My parents are in their mid-late 60s and I don’t even have to take care of them. I guarantee that I have more stamina than you. My high school students are close to your age and I have more stamina than most of them. They can barely run up a flight of stairs without huffing and puffing. And they always guess my age incorrectly. This is because if you eat right and exercise, you will not age as rapidly. Having children (not kids, because kids are goats) is not a selfish choice, it is my birthright as a man, despite what feminism says. I was married when I was younger. My ex- wife married me, knowing that she had no intentions of having children, because she already had one of her own from a previous marriage. She self-induced a miscarriage when she was pregnant with my child. It is unfair for you to tell a man with no children to settle for an older woman who has offspring of their own because of your personal feelings. Astogfirallah! The prophets were fathering children up until they were well into old age. My preferences are very realistic and not extreme. Salaam.

  9. Hasan says:

    My experience with this app and others is that. The more desperation you show the less chances you will have. Indeed do swipes here and there then make a sincere Dua perhaps through night prayer and then you leave it to Allah to pick a good spouse for you. Unfortunately some brothers are too impatient with their spouses and this is leading to unprecedented levels of divorce, similarly the same goes for sisters. I heard a Sheikh once say when we realise that the no of Muslims who will enter Jannah is not as high as we think which in other words means the criteria is not easy and we must work harder for it

  10. Hassan says:

    After reading the above comments it’s a sad consolation that I’m not the only one going through hell looking for a wife. It’s unfathomable to my mind how there are so many female profiles yet the odd few I do match with end up being “problem” girls with bad intentions. If there’s anything I can take from the above story of Prophet Yusuf (p) it’s that Allah is protecting me from marriage to a horrible feminist/gold-digger/etc. albeit at the cost of being a lonely bachelor. Muzmatch staff if you ever read this then here’s a suggestion to level the playing field: make all women pay to join the app and then put a limit on the number of men they can match with or talk to at the same time. It will make them think twice about being a time waster looking to boost her ego.

    • Sabra says:

      It’s not just women. This guy I was talking to insisted on asking me if I liked him after a couple of conversations. Then when I told him that I did, he cooled his heels. I agree that there are not very nice women but also men. I think that people in general have very high expectations of others and not the same of themselves.

      • OG says:

        But the biggest changes have occurred with women, for better or for worse. Financial freedom has made them more picky. You don’t hear that often of a guy turning down a women because she doesn’t make that much money, but women turn down men for making less then them all the time. Then when women get older and are still unmarried they play victim and blame men again for only wanting younger ladies. This is just one aspect of the problem, now add in the superficial standards, unwillingness to compromise, stubbornness about there ridiculous ideals etc etc… Then when men marry non-muslims because muslim women are being too difficult, women say they should have the right to marry non-muslim men. Women’s concept of what is fair and what are their rights, have become denying the mens rights. We are heading straight for broken societies. So sorry, I have zero sympathy when I hear women complain.

      • Leemert 001 says:

        You’re absolutely right sister. May Allah see us through our search

      • MikhaEl says:

        This is true!

  11. Sabra says:

    Yeah but, unlike you, I have sympathy for men who are mistreated by women. I think that we don’t just have an expectations problem but also a racism problem, sectarian problem and just so many issues. While I love that single Muslims have a venue online to meet, many people are actually married or separated or financially indigent and are in no position to marry. Some have social issues, many have never dated before and don’t know how to court, be courted etc. Some even have mental issues that they should seek therapy for- no joke. Muslim men and women are not allowed to mix so we don’t know how to talk to each other. I feel that the solution could be to begin talking to other Muslims and see if you can actually meet the person online as soon as possible. Those who don’t want to, are usually not serious or just wasting time.

    • OG says:

      Great, tell me when things are getting better, because I just see it getting worse and worse every year. Having sympathy doesn’t change the situation. Talking about the problems doesn’t change the situation. You suggested talking to the person to see if you could meet face to face sooner rather then later, but whether it is muzmatch or any other matrimony site if no one matches with you or responds to your messages how are you even supposed to meet someone in the first place? Men have an age cap (although older), just like women do in terms of desirability.

    • Speaker says:

      Sabra you sound like a nice woman. Any man would be lucky to be married to you because you have the intelligence, patience and a good level of empathy that is required from both parties in a successful marriage. May Allah bless you with a good husband.

  12. Sabra says:

    I’m 38. How old are you?

    • OG says:

      I am 32. Statistics aggregated from dating platforms show that mens desirability continually drops off after 32 years old while womens starts at 26. I started looking at 25, can count the number of conversations I have had with my hands. If I can’t garnish any interest from women in my prime why bother after I’ve left it. Furthermore, if I would like to delay having kids after marriage to be able to enjoy doing things with my wife, the older I get the harder that will be. Younger women will say gross you’re old, and older women don’t have the luxury of time to delay children. Age cap for men exists!

  13. KeepingItReal says:

    OG, I know exactly what you mean. Sending messages and likes and hardly getting responses. You can’t expect women to understand this because women are the ones who receive multiple interests and have their egos boosted, they then start believing they are super models. I asked a female friend about online matrimonial websites. Guess what? She admitted that the women only reply to the hottest looking men. It would be interesting to see how many interests women would receive if they were told they’re not allowed to put on make up in their pictures just like men and be judged in the same way with natural looks!

    • OG says:

      Yeah, women are disillusion and can’t comprehend the fact that there actions are contributing the most to the marriage problem. But it doesn’t bother me if a lady wants someone attractive. I want someone who finds me attractive and I find them attractive. My issue is when women blame men for the consequences of there own actions. If a lady makes her career a priority, she cant complain if a man wants a stay at home lady. If a lady doesn’t wear hijab she can’t complain if a guy wants a lady who is more modest. Men are allowed to there opinions as well. If the men have ridiculous ideals in women then they won’t get married and vice versa. But like I said, the problem is women want to do whatever they want, and want men to have to accept and live with it.

  14. MJ says:

    They want Mr Perfect with the looks, money, personality, property, lifestyle, job. Not just any job, but a high earner with a career where there is potential for moving up and increasing earnings. They expect too much and count out most men as they don’t meet their ridiculous long list of requirements. While they’re unmarried, they live their lives with their friends, spending too much money, going on several holidays a year, expensive clothes etc so their spending habits are astronomical. They become used to it and then expect to carry on with that lifestyle after marriage and the husband is expected to put up with it on top of paying the bills and mortgage. They don’t understand that marriage is a compromise and you have to think about and do things for each other, not for oneself.

  15. Mahmood says:

    I think most woman they are thinking about money … the money is not everythings we should build think in their minds the family is very immportant then money … the mony is not that intresting … i have money but if the girl interst more about mony so it’s not good thing you can’t build family and live a good live .

  16. Ahmad says:

    سلام من تازه این برنامه را در گوشیم نصب کردم و به یک خانم پیام دادم و این خانم جواب پیامم رو نداده و من می‌خواهم به یک نفر دیگه پیام بدم نمیشه میگه باید پول پرداخت کنید برای هر پیام اگر این نرم افزار پولی باشه بدرد نمیخوره و شاید هم کلاه برداری باشه

  17. Ahmad says:

    این نرم افزار برای ارسال پیام درخواست پول می‌کند تا شارژ نخریم پیامی ارسال نمی‌شود این برنامه پولی هست یا کلاه برداری هست مخاطبین این برنامه واقعی است یا همش دروغه

  18. Iman says:

    Well, hardly getting response
    Or matched and be unmatched without even saying Hi….not to talk of a real conversation…. Its been over 2years now. Hmmm

  19. Other Side says:

    Being on Muzmatch has taught me a lot of negative things about my particular ethnicity. Yes, I am open to other ethnicities but seeing men from your background being so shallow hurts. It’s embarrassing.

    Unfortunately, men from a certain background think the same and want only one specific type of woman. Petite, slim and white skinned. Doesn’t matter if you live close to them which would make meeting up easier and regular therefore leading to a successful marriage. Doesn’t matter if both sets of parents are close by so none of them are neglected after marriage. Doesn’t matter if you have never dated, never had haram relationships and have kept yourself pure. Doesn’t matter if you have multiple talents, pray daily, and care about others than yourself. Can these kind of men actually call themselves Muslims?

    Then you have men who will not read the profile, they will only look at the pictures and like you on shallow grounds.

    Most of these men will not write much in their bios so there is nothing to go on. It’s painful. When you talk to them, they speak in text language and refuse to engage in proper discussion, it’s like hey, you okay, good, lol and bye. Then the same the next day

    I understand looks are important and all of us can be picky but I have given men I didn’t find attractive a chance but they were not good at conversing and never seemed interested in me, as a person. Just my looks and how I could please them.

    What this article does is gives a small moment of reassurance until you get back on muzmatch. But whoever wrote it, thank you because the Prophet Yusuf story is my favourite story from the Quran. It did bring a smile to my lips.

    But I will try to weather the storm because I am not worthless as I sometimes feel.

    • Sabra says:

      I feel you. These guys commenting on here are also struggling but they are not listening to us ladies. At the end of the day, if a guy does not appreciate you, treat you like a priority and pursues you beyond a few texts, don’t feel bad about it. Process of elimination, go to the next one. You are dodging a bullet. And if a man does not try to meet you in person or talk to your family etc, he is not serious. Again, bullet dodged. Not all the people here are bad but there are many who are married or just want a girl’s attention. Don’t let the bad ones bring you down. Also try other apps, websites, etc . Good luck

    • MJ says:

      Men are experiencing the same thing. Women want tall, dark and handsome. Even if she’s 4ft 11 she wants a guy over 6ft! On top of physical traits, his job, property, car, lifestyle, personality and character is on the bottom of the list. Doesn’t matter how loyal, chaste, trustworthy etc he is. If he’s not hot and desirable, he’s ignored. A lot of women don’t bother to write anything about themselves in their profiles. Just upload selfies with heavy make up and pouting lips and the men will come flooding in and when do message them it’s like talking to a brick wall.

    • FractalIntake says:

      Funny you say that

      I had the exact impressions and drew (slightly) similar conclusions from these wonderful female “characters”.

      I thought it might be really easy to find a husband if you’re a young female in a platform where your outnumbered by at least 2:1. One can reasonably come to that conclusion given the plethora of half arsed half witty and half interesting personal statements which btw are virtually identical in their structure content and articulation.

      Literature is not particularly a forte of mine. Being a “lad” i played with hard toys as a child and read none fiction books on tanks and artillery which led me to become a scientist/engineer as an adult with (relatively) limited literary articulation. At least compared to someone who probably read a lot of fiction or other forms of creative literature typical of most “lasses”. It’s not that most of them are badly written. The spelling/grammar are spot on. But the content leaves a lot to be desired.

      It’s almost as if everyone is singing of the same hymn sheet written by a professional simpleton. Or copy and paste the same template with minimal personal adjustments. Because their personality appears to be so alike. In this case, less is not more. It’s just less

      If the most interesting thing you could say about yourself is that you love eating (“i’m such a massive foodie OMG!!!”) your not very interesting at all. Because everyone likes eating. Maybe I’m being naive here?

      The general theme is excessive use of adjectives without any form of articulation or justification. Classic example; “I’m told I have an epic sense of humour”. Maybe it’s me again. Or maybe people who are actually funny usually don’t feel the need to explicitly state so. Because they can write something that is funny/witty in the first place.

      Lot of them write disclaimers stating how difficult it is to describe themselves. Personally I find it pretty easy. Because I know myself extreamly well. I have achieved a lot as an individual left to my own devices. It’s a perk of being self sufficient. I know what drives me, what makes me-me, where I’m going, where I want to go, why i perceive things the way i do and there limitations. Now one cannot expect that level of fidelity from everyone. But is it so unreasonable to ask for a story that explains the bold use of adjectives used in an attempt to paint a picture of yourself?

      But I do wonder if these wonderful characters really know themselves as much as they think they do?

      You bought in ethnicity. I would not say ethnicity (genetics) is a variable. But culture defiantly is. Being of a South Asian background, I can reliably say Asian people are much more herd like. They find their identity among groups of others compared to say Europeans. And that’s also true for other Asians btw including Chinese people who are similar to us in that respect. Asian people are less likely to question the common consensus. They are less self sufficient both on an individual and family level. There are limitations to western cultural values as well but that’s another topic. Neither western or eastern school of philosophy is absolutely correct. They have their strength and weakness. The weakness for us is that we are more vulnerable to have our opinions/judgement/perspectives manipulated and manufactured by the common orthodoxy. In that respect, it’s not surprising why so many describe themselves in the way that they do. Like I said, maybe they don’t understand themselves as much as they think they do? Because perhaps unwittingly the properties that make them an individual is so outsourced among members of the “community”. It also makes us less innovative and lack originality.

      It’s not un-Islamic to have standards or even be picky. Physical attraction is important but by far not wholly sufficient parameter. In fact in my view it’s the last parameter. There is a difference on being picky on things someone has no control over like height/skin tone and so on. But it’s not unreasonable to expect someone live a healthy/active lifestyle or meet certain academic standards.

      Having said all that. I can say I’m not surprised from your experience that a lot of men are just pathetic specimens of the human race. A lot of us are. Men are by far the biggest looser of any society. We have BY FAR the highest suicide rates, highest homelessness, subjected to most violence, highest prison population, lowest performance in schools and even universities. But we also have the creme de la creme of humanity. The normal distribution for any quantifiable parameter is ALWAYS much broader for the male population than a female. In other words, we are a lot more variable. But such comparison are fruitless. You are more than a man/women. You are more than an Asian/African/European man/women. When you find your identity in a large group you’re just a statistic. This is why I’m so adamant on finding someone with the right characteristics. Someone who balances both school of thinking. Because If I had a daughter one day, I want her to achieve as much if not more than I have. The fact that she is a women should not impede her in anything. From reading around profiles, I don’t get any of that impression.

      They are just a females who like doing typically female things. Their only selling factor is the fact that they are females. Such a pity…

      PS: If it makes you feel any better. I’m a 28 year old lad with a triangular torso’d body with pneumatic like arms, 5-11 (okay not the tallest but no shorty) with a PhD. Yet only about 0.8% (I actually counted) of people who view me swipe right. All my right swips get’s ignored. The individual just has a look at me and that’s it. Probably in contempt. So I never swipe right anymore.

      It can’t possible be that bad can it?

  20. KeepingItReal says:

    That’s a ridiculous comment to make that men are not listening. It’s worse for guys. Just type ‘online dating is a waste of time’ in google and you will find real experiences and facts why the odds are against men, i.e women receive too many interests and only reply to the most photogenic ones. I’ve asked a female colleague who confirmed this. There are plenty of good, decent men out there who send messages to mixture of women and receive very little or no response. The moment a guy suggests to meet up we get excuses and flakes or sometimes being accused of going too fast. One thing for sure, it’s hard to find decent men and women online as most people online are time wasters, not serious and people’s attitude needs to change, lower standards etc. Suggesting someone to try another app is futile. From my experience on this app and other Muslim sites, it’s all the same.

  21. KeepingItReal says:

    And ‘go to the next one’ mentality is another reason that online searching is frustrating. We live in a disposable society these days that when certain people don’t have patience they just throw in the towel because ‘there are plenty of others out there just a click away’. No exclusivity or patience to give the person a chance. My advice would be to stay humble, be patient and lower your standards.

  22. Sabra says:

    Never lower your standards. Be realistic yes. But never lower your standards. And yes keep trying. Talk to the next person. Why should we give up or wallow in misery? No I’m not giving up just yet.

    • Speaker says:

      Thanks Sabra Sis. You don’t know how much that helped me to hear that. It has helped me but I did take a break and heal first.

      • Sabra says:

        You are welcome Speaker. Inshallah you will meet someone worthy of you. In the meantime just know that there are many women rooting for you.

      • Mo says:

        If you don’t mind me asking how old are you. Im 24 years old and looking for a spouse. Reading your comments you seem like a very genuine and sincere person.

  23. Nasser says:

    Reading these comments resonate with me. Majority of fake accounts, inactive accounts or people using it for other purposes. I would not be surprised if it is another “asian scam”, seeing as it is a cultural speciality.

    Ofcourse it would be natural of the business owners to sell us the product by quoting the Quran etc.

  24. Warrior Angel says:

    The most disheartening thing about all of these comments are the finger pointing and blaming both genders are doing to the other and you all wonder why you can’t find a mate. I wouldn’t want to talk with any of you men with the chips you’re carrying on your shoulders. I happen to be one of those older women on here, I’m 47, but I’ve taken care of myself and Alhamdulillah do look younger. I’ve also raised my children so to generalize and say we are all feminist who only want Mr. Perfect with a large bank account is projecting your own negativity onto everyone and not judging each person based on their own merit. I didn’t have the benefit of growing up Muslim so I’m still trying to learn a lot but for a religion that teaches me to be kind and fair I see so much materialism, hypocrisy and cultural bias it really infuriates me to no end. You all need to put on your grown up pants, stop complaining and get your attitudes adjusted because i promise you, the negitivity you are putting out into the universe is only going to keep being fed right back to you. You are your own worst enemies. Change your fundamental attitude about this process, stop blaming other for your lack of success and either get over it or get off for a while. Go back to the masjid or sign up for an ICNA-type singles events if your in the USA, or similar events in your own country.

  25. FractalIntake says:

    This finding a wife thing seems doesn’t seem like a closed door, but makes me question if the door exist in the first place.

    I was disciplined enough never to have any relationships/affairs throughout my life from Kindergarten to University. I just didn’t feel comfortable in having one as I saw them as “emotional liabilities”. Instead i focused on developing myself further so I can find a suitable partner to share my life with in the future.

    Currently in the final stop in the academia train (PhD) and at the “ripe” age of 28. Inevitably, parents raised the question of marriage for the first time (it was always a taboo subject) and asked If they can start looking and told me to have a look myself.

    So, I took a voyage to the unknown. Not having much experience to draw on, much like the Scientists who assembled Sputnik 1 before sending the first man-made object into space. Not having any Asian or neven Muslim friends, living alone in a big city away from all friends and families doing a PhD in one hand and a research engineer within company on the other, finding that opportunity to approach a Muslim Lady was next to impossible. So I did it the easy way and made an online presence. Much like a snow leopard leaving scents to find a mate in the vast Eurasian wilderness.

    I expected it to be hard. I expected it to be long drawn out and atrocious, especially to myself esteem. I didn’t expect it to be a complete vaccume (unlike the guys who worked at Sputnik-1).

    I know it’s common belief that men to think they are more attractive than actually are. None the less, I won’t hesitate to say I’m at least average/above average in my appearance in the conventional sense. I have a body that most guys would dream to have with extreamly high physical abilities. I know this because men always phrased me with such compliments from a young age. It was men because females where mostly none players in my life. Not because I’m against female company, just circumstantial ranging from the subjects i studied to my hobbies/interests which are incredibly male dominated

    I’m about to finish off a PhD in the field of engineering/advanced materials. So I guess i tick all the education checklist for a prospecting Muslimuh and her 10,000 strong family/extended family that comes with the “package”. (tongue and cheek, slap me-if you can). Maybe a bit too educated for some. Asian people can be obsessively pragmatic and self centred (IE how much bread I can bring, screw impact/contribution/legacy). None the less, I’m someone who has credible evidence to back up bold claims of intelligence, cunning, professionalism and so on, Is a degree certificate the best and most optimal way to express ones intellectual capacity? Perhaps not. But it’s better than taking someones word for it 99.998% of times

    So I left my metaphorical scent trails in places like Muzmatch. Building up a realistic/representative picture of what makes me-me, where I’m heading and where I’d like to go. I put up some of the best pictures doing things I love (like climbing mountains), trying to paint myself as someone slightly more interesting than the dishwasher. Unlike most people I’ve seen on the site, I find it pretty easy to describe/sell myself. I know myself extreamly well. Part of the perks of growing up self sufficient. And I can describe myself fairly eloquently without resulting in excessive use of dry/empty adjectives. Which is not something I can say about 95% of wonderful specimens of 21st century Muslimas. If I wanted quotations from Quran/Scholars/Prophet PBUH I would choose another medium for literature. If i wanted a template for the most uninspiring, dreary and often unjustified combination of words then Muzmatch members offers an ever growing vast database.

    None the less, I thought I was being naive. So I gave these “characters” a chance. Surely there’s much more to them than just empty unproven copied and pasted adjectives?

    Didn’t matter. What I discovered very early in my voyage into the unknown was I’m unattractive to virtually everyone Fat/slim, tall short, educated/none educated, divorced/unmarried.. Lot’s of profile views, one in 300 or so actually swipes right. There was one individual where things appeared to go somewhere. I found her both attractive, intelligence and an interesting human being. I have never had a genuine two way conversation with a female before. But that was short lived. Few months later after a period of ignoring me she declared we are just too different and called it off. She was super polite and professional about it. Didn’t reduce the blow though. I had fairly strong feelings towards her, and not having the reciprocated incurs a massive blow.

    Unlike the previously mentioned person, my inboxes are not full of request from prospective bevies. And this is probably true for most men. We outnumber women at least 2:1 in apps like this. Competition is high. I get it. We are groomed to be competitive from birth. We have to be the strongest, fastest, most cunning, most intelligent, most forgiving, most successful, most earning, most patient and a plethora of other qualities expected from a man.

    As someone who does their best to be reasonably good example of the male species, it’s always tragic to find about 0.33% of female finds me attractive. Faced with such odds, one begins the dark path of hate, contempt and eventually self hate. I’m not desperate enough to find anyone attractive. I have certain standards. But that’s irrelevant. I’m not allowed to have one apparently.

    Whatever problems you ladies have in finding a husband, thank God for the fact that you’re at least not ignored. You may receive excessive attention usually not at the best kind or quality. But take a step in our shoes. The worst way to hurt someone is to make him/her feel she does not exist. That has far more long term damage than explicit/active abuse.

    I find it impossible to swipe right knowing it will always end in disappointment (IE ignored).

    That’s just my view of things. You may tell me to man up and keep my sharp sensation of anger/desperation/hopelessness/despair/sorrow buried inside me. But I don’t want to be a ticking time bomb like so many men.

    • Sabra says:

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Please don’t give up hope and do consider going it through your parents. After all they may find a suitable match for you. I know many guys who balked at the idea of arranged marriages only to be so disappointed by the ones they went out and found on their own. It’s all a lottery but I would say look at other avenues as well.

  26. Ayesha says:

    assalamualikum everyone, reading some of the comments made me know that im not alone in this search of finding a partner for years not just months. i have been on and off this site n few others and it seems for me that finding a partner is more difficult than landing a dream job. i thought i was having difficulty bc i have three girls although i have no problem taking care of them past few years it appears the men are more scared . i don’t understand their fear. im educated, professional and im independently taking care of my girls yet finding a partner for me has been the most difficult task. may allah help us all in finding a partner.

    • Sabra says:

      Ameen. I do think that He might be keeping us from something bad happening to us. Many of the people who are married are not happy. They are just afraid of being alone or circumstances are keeping them married. Alhamdulliah that we can independently earn and support ourselves.

  27. Sabra says:

    I’m personally taking a break. It’s been a slow summer and I just want to focus on running, eating healthy, learning Tajweed finally and going to Isna, lectures not the matrimonial stuff, next month. I have a dream trip with my mom I’m hoping to take. Ladies if you want to connect at Isna, let me know. Guys you are welcome too.

    • KeepingItReal says:

      Sabra, yes it’s good to take a break from searching.

      However, I have 2 questions for you, and I don’t mean to offend you, just want to try to understand your thought process / logic: (1) Why did you advise Speaker to ‘Never lower your standards. Be realistic yes. But never lower your standards’? (2) As you advised FractalIntake to go to his parents for an arranged marriage, after all they may find a suitable match for him, why didn’t you equally advise Speaker, who is also struggling to find a husband, to go through her parents for an arranged marriage, after all they may find a suitable match for her? As we can clearly see, from some comments, women as well as men are finding it equally hard to find a spouse. So, according to your logic, a man should lower his standards and accept an arranged marriage but a woman should never lower hers ? Your advice doesn’t seem to be consistent for men and women. Why are there double standards being applied?

      2 questions for Speaker, again I don’t mean to offend you either, just want to try to understand your thought process / logic: (1) You assumed without knowing the age of men commenting on this blog, that the men are ‘old’ and you advised these so called older men to marry older women in their age range who can’t have children, that they should marry them even if these women are too old to have children, to adopt etc. If the man is in his 40s and over, yes I agree with you. However, you also said ‘Astagufirullah. I’m in my 20’s still and I would refuse to marry an older man, especially if he thinks like this about older women- my older sisters in Islam. Old men are like uncles to me. I cannot see them in a romantic way.’ So, why is it that, according to your logic, as you advised, a much younger man should marry an older woman but you yourself, as a young woman in your 20s would refuse to marry an older man, who is like an uncle to you? Your logic suggests that a young man should lower his standards and marry an older woman who shows interest in him (it’s like an aunt to him) but a young woman like yourself shouldn’t lower her standards and marry an older man who shows interest in her (it’s like an uncle to you). Your advice too doesn’t seem to be consistent for men and women. Why are there double standards being applied here too?

      You also said you studied psychology and that men should show interest in women on the same attractiveness level as them. But you haven’t answered my previous question as to what a woman’s attractiveness level is with or without make up. For example, if a woman’s attractiveness level without make up is 4 out of 10, after putting on full make up she now looks like a supermodel, 8, 9 or 10 out of 10, and a man of 4 out of 10 or even 5 out of 10 attractiveness level shows interest in her, is he not her equal attractiveness level without make up? Should she not reciprocate his interest he has already shown her? Why do these women ignore men of the same attractiveness levels? When a man who is average looking messages a woman without make up who is also average looking, on his equal attractiveness level, why does she not respond or even view his profile? Please explain what you mean when you’re advising men to express interest in women of the same attractiveness level as themselves.

      I’ve extensively researched psychology and sociology when it comes to attraction. I’ve also researched and watched social experiments on human behaviour on attraction. As you studied psychology, I’d be interested to get your response.

  28. Sabra says:

    Keeping it real, my parents’ marriage was arranged and they were perfectly suited for each other. Arranged marriages are not sub-standard by any means. Your wording might be the issue here. Maybe you mean lower your expectations. I agree. People expect too much of others and not enough of themselves. But you really do generalize a lot about all women being feminists. Also about all feminists being bad. Both are simply not true. Maybe because you are still young, but you are also focusing on the physical. In today’s world, dating is very much catering to appearances. Men and women are visual. But men are more that way than women. Besides all your comments are about appearances. You didn’t say anything about the girls’ manners etc.

    • FractalIntake says:

      I’m not against arranged marriage on principle. If my parents could find someone who’s a good match for me (under my own criteria) then that’s a win win. But I’m highly sceptical. They grew up in different times with different expectations and different definition of beauty and so on. But my parents always respects my choice. They have made it clear that at the end of the day it’s all down to me. So they are just matchmakers much like Muzmatches algorithm

      I have “intercepted” (because I’m the nosy type) my dads matchmaking database in his computer. He wrote my “marriage CV” along with biodata and so on. I’ve also seen some of the proposals he got from other relatives. So here is a good example of how standards change in a single generation.

      Suffice to say I did not like any of them. I was not physically attracted to them but what’s worse is they are complete none characters, because I looked up their names in social media. You may say a persons online presence is not a full reflection of their character and you’d be right. But that’s them at their best. People use social media precisely to promote themselves. But it became clear to me what they were’t instead of what they were.

      Physical attraction is important, but not a wholly sufficient parameter. You cannot be in a sustainable relationship with someone who you’re not physically attracted to. And you are perhaps right in that men tend to let physical attraction rule all else. A lot of men would just cling to things that are shiny and flashy without giving much thought.

      One limitation of arranged marriages are that older generation (especially south asian types) have different concepts of what is physically attractive. South Asians culture never really encouraged it’s adherents (bc it’s almost like a religion to some people) to look after their body and be physically active. Which is why they don’g (men and women both) age very well and is susceptible to obesity related deceases much more than other cultures.

      Which is a problem for someone like me who finds fitness attractive. It’s something most of us could control. Unlike say skin colour which I could not care less about. My dad actually wrote he wanted someone “pretty and fair skinned” in his “General Specification for a Strategic Partner”. Which isn’t a bad thing, but isn’t good either. I’m all for someone who looks after their body by being physically active instead of putting lots of expensive makeup and other deceptive contraptions.

      What’s more, he is looking for someone 3-5 years younger than me. Again not necessarily bad. but i prefer someone my age. I don’t even mind older Women. Infact I prefer someone slightly older (I’m 27) by 1-3 years. But when you limit yourself to cultural dogma (has to be this old, this skin colour, this kind of family etc), your limiting the pool.

      What was also funny was his requirements for the brides personality. She has to be very soft, mildly spoken and shy and submissive. Which is not the sort of thing I look for in a women. I want someone who can think, critique me when i need to be critiqued, and voice opinions in a respectful manner. I just don’t like the concept of the stereotypical South Asian housewife. Nothing wrong with it, but It’s not for me. I don’t want my future daughter (If I have one) to be reduced to that level. I want them to achieve as much as I have, if not more. And she won’t achieve that by cleaning dishes all day and waiting for her husband to get home from work. Again, different standards. I’m not looking for a back scratcher. I’m looking for more or less equal.

      So standards is something that changes with time. 30 or so years ago our grandparents had different set of requirements. They belonged to a different world with different expectations. So they came up with the best strategy what worked best for them. One has to ask the same question now.

      Everyone say’s it will all work out, and there is someone out there and all that fanciful tosh. What’s scary for us men is biology. 80% of all women who ever lived has successfully bred. With men it’s only 40% Figures vary source to source but the ratio is still much higher. And that’s not far off other mammals either. So being single forever is actually a real worry for a lot of men. Of course that sort of statistics does not represent the modern world. None the less, when it comes biological success (ability to pass on genes), Women has had it FAR easier than men.

      And I can understand why so many men get’s frustrated when they first venture out to look for a wife. W are expected from birth to be the strongest, fastest, most cunning, most intelligent, most successful, richest and so on to be worthy. When we achieve all that yet still struggle, it hits us hard. Some men are less sophisticated in the way they express that dissatisfaction by lashing out on women, not reflecting on themselves and always finding others to blame.

      I personally was guilty of that. But i kept it in me like a “Good boy” supposed to do and not talk about his feelings. But I learnt to reflect on myself. If you’re not good at something then you should really ask have you exhausted every possibility of getting better at it? What’s not going to help is blaming others and playing a victim because “everyone’s stupid and i’m smart”

    • KeepingItReal says:

      Sabra, again, I don’t mean to offend you, it’s not my intention. I don’t mean to be condescending either but please read my comments very carefully.

      A fundamental downfall with online communication (i.e messaging on blogs, texting conversation messages etc) is that people are sometimes likely to make assumptions, not get their facts right or able to back their claims, misread and misinterpret, and so forth. If anyone misreads or misinterprets comments, then that’s their own misunderstanding. I’m not saying that I’m perfect or a know-it-all. After all, we’re all human beings and we’re not infallible. I don’t take your comments to heart but there are errors you’ve made that need to be addressed.

      You mentioned: ‘Maybe because you are still young, but you are also focusing on the physical’. You also mentioned: ‘Besides all your comments are about appearances’.

      Not of all my comments are focusing on physical appearances per se. Rather, how people’s physical appearances are the major factor on an app like this, where the first thing anybody sees is a picture to make a split second / snap decision to either tick to ‘like’ or cross to ‘reject’ or to proceed to read the profile then make a decision of ‘like’ or ‘reject’. I’m saying that the process of attraction on an app like this is based primarily on physical attraction. Not that I ‘like’ only those who are the most physically attractive.

      You also mentioned: ‘Maybe because you are still young, but you are also focusing on the physical’. You’re insinuating here that being a younger person I’m focusing on a woman’s physical appearance. You’re wrong. I’m trying to ascertain why a lot of men, myself included, send ‘likes’ (interests) on an app like this to a plethora of women and receive very little interests back, and in a lot of instances, being completely ignored to initiate conversation in order to get to know one another’s deen, character, personality, manners etc. A lot of us men don’t get a chance to even introduce ourselves to the plethora of women we show interest in because we don’t receive the mutual ‘like’ back.

      In my previous comments I asked Speaker to explain what she means by ‘equal attractiveness level’ and to make it easier so she doesn’t misunderstand my question, I broke it down, being more specific. Her advice doesn’t make sense. Again, I don’t mean to offend anyone, just trying to understand and unravel the crux of what is going on with modern mating and attraction. If a person doesn’t understand something or someone, they should seek clarification. Perhaps for this reason it appears my focus is on appearance.

      In my view, there appears to be a link with men’s physical appearance in this day and age of social and digital media, online searching, apps and constant rejection and being ignored when no conversation has even begun, and feminism. These are just my views, with extensive research, facts, anecdotes, experiences etc.

      I’m also trying to have an open and honest discussion as this is a blog regarding marriage. It’s apparent that a lot of men and women are facing difficulties with searching on apps like this. We need to analyse the process thoroughly and be honest. I understand women find it equally hard to find a decent man that they are physically attracted to. I’ve done my research and you’ll see below what I came to realise from a sample of women’s experiences at work as well as reading women’s comments on this blog. It’s not easy for both men and women.

      You mentioned: ‘Your wording might be the issue here. Maybe you mean lower your expectations’.

      My wording of ‘Lower your standards’ is not the issue here. It’s your lack of knowledge / understanding.

      I’ve just googled both the terms ‘lower your standards’ and ‘lower your expectations’. The results from google show some websites of dating coaches and psychologists using the term ‘lower your standards’ instead of ‘lower your expectations’. I’ve also personally come across ‘lower your standards’ instead of ‘lower your expectations’ being used at Islamic conferences / matchmaking events / lectures etc. I have therefore used the correct wording ‘lower your standards’. If you still believe my wording might be the issue, then the dating coaches, psychologists, Muslim matchmakers and lecturers are using the wrong wording and are advising people incorrectly. I’ve merely used a commonly accepted and recognised term. Please do a search on both the terms and look for yourself.

      You mentioned to me: ‘But you really do generalize a lot about all women being feminists’. Also about all feminists being bad. Both are simply not true’.

      I really don’t think so. Nowhere have I generalised or mentioned even once ‘all women being feminists’ or that ‘all feminists are bad’. Far from it! Please read my previous comments and provide the quotation.

      You have therefore misread and misinterpreted my comments.

      Just to be clear, when the words ‘feminism’ or ‘feminists’ are being used, I’m criticising the ideology (feminism) and its followers (feminists), not any gender. Some women (not all) out there in the world believe in feminism. There are also some men out there in the world who believe in feminism. That’s their prerogative and choice. Other people believe in equality. There are also a lot of women out there in the world who don’t believe in feminism and some are on platforms like YouTube explaining why they believe feminism is causing major issues in our societies. These women rarely get mainstream media TV or radio attention / interviews as mainstream media is mainly propaganda controlled by the government. We need more women like these to speak up against feminism.

      It seems that when it comes to searching online or apps, in this day and age of social and digital era, good aesthetic appearances attract attention for both sides. However, the reason I’m still on the subject of appearances is because Speaker’s advice, as a psychologist about men expressing interest to women of equal attractiveness level, doesn’t make sense. Hence the reason I’m politely asking her to explain this and the other question I asked her. I’m trying to understand her. Again, I don’t mean to offend anyone, just trying to understand and unravel the crux of what is going on with modern mating and attraction. If a person doesn’t understand something or someone, they should seek clarification.

      I didn’t mention or generalise that ‘all feminists being bad’. Again, you’ve misread and misinterpreted my comments.

      A practicing Muslim who believes and practices the 5 pillars can have good qualities and characteristics; i.e compassionate, sympathetic, kind, honest, trustworthy, charitable, generous, devout, remembering and worshipping Allah, learning from the Quran and Ahadith etc. But if that same person happens to have subconscious feminist or biased beliefs or views due to their social surroundings, upbringing, education, peers etc, then it’s those beliefs or views that are bad and need to change. I hope that is clarified. I don’t believe feminism is acceptable in Islam just like racism, ageism, sexism etc as they are a promotion of superiority / privileges of one over the other. Just like racism, ageism, sexism etc, feminism is cancer in our societies.

      It’s my belief and view, based on my research from sources and my Islamic understanding. I’m not bashing any gender. I’m criticising the ideology and its followers. The reason is that feminists seem to fight for and expect privileges and entitlement for one gender over the other, to suit their needs and agenda. Feminism isn’t about equality as people are misled to believe. Islam has already provided rights to both men and women and unfortunately at the hands of some very nasty men, many women still get abused / mistreated in many societies. Some men too get abused / mistreated by women, but they are not as openly made obvious or discussed, or maybe not deemed to be serious or as common in comparison. Anything wrong is still wrong and needs to be addressed and stopped, no matter how big or small. There are some women on Youtube who discuss the issues men experience due to feminism that are not acknowledged / swept under the carpet by mainstream society.

      I attended a domestic and social violence course at work last year which was led by a female tutor. It was a compulsory course of awareness for all staff members, male and female. She mentioned that surveys were carried out (not by her, but by other organisations) . According to the surveys and data collated, although women are more likely to experience and report domestic violence perpetrated by men, most men don’t report domestic violence that they themselves experience perpetrated by women. She asked a question to us collectively why we think most men don’t report it. A female colleague spoke up and said that the men might feel too embarrassed, being laughed at and because they might think they won’t be believed or taken seriously. The tutor replied; ‘Exactly. You’re right. That’s the attitude people have in our society. Is it right to laugh or not to believe it because the alleged perpetrator is a woman? If people have an attitude like that, is he likely to report the abuse he’s suffering?’ She went on to say that due to how society expects men to behave, men are told and expected to be tough and resilient, man up, he could even be suspected that he instigated it, or somewhat deserved it, or that what he’s experiencing is petty and he should just let it go etc. She went on to say that we live in a society whereby women have more protection, their welfare, health and safety, quality of life are more valued, more services are available, but for men there is very little support out there for them in comparison, that men are disadvantaged in a lot of areas. People don’t recognise men suffering and attitudes need to change if we want an equal society. On top of not reporting it to the police, most men are also reluctant to tell their family and friends for the same reasons. I was already aware of this but it still was very useful, and an eye opening course to others.

      I agree with FractalIntake. These are facts. Men by far have the highest suicide rates, highest homelessness, subjected to most violence, highest prison population, lowest performance in schools and even universities. There are some women on YouTube who speak about these issues with data and research. Feminists and mainstream media don’t seem to want to address these issues or want them to be heard!

      I watched a YouTube documentary where a former feminist was convinced there was nothing wrong with being a feminist. She wanted to learn from non feminists why they didn’t believe in feminism. She spent some considerable time with them, listening to them, living with them, attending various lectures etc. When her time came to an end, she no longer wanted to be associated with feminism. She changed her beliefs and views as she wasn’t formerly aware of the issues.

      In our societies, men are expected to put up with the issues they suffer; shut up, be strong and move on, man up, don’t be emotional, stop moaning etc. Men do have feelings and emotions, maybe not as sensitive as women, but we still do.

      You said ‘Men and women are visual.’ I absolutely agree with you on that. You then said ‘But men are more that way than women’. I don’t agree with that at all. Here’s why:

      Up until late 1990’s / early 2000’s, before social and digital media era, yes, that was true. However, it’s not enough to just say ‘But men are more that way than women’ and not back it up. It’s easy to say something and not back it up.

      Let me explain modern day image / aesthetics, especially searching online / apps. Both men and women are equally visual. People are always searching for a partner they find physically attractive. Physical attractiveness is the primary trait whether we admit it or not. In the past, before the social and digital media era, men WERE more visual than women. But a lot of things have changed since the late 1990’s / early 2000’s. Society, technology, beliefs, attitudes, behaviours etc have all changed. The importance and influence of personal image / aesthetics too has changed. The change isn’t noticeable but it has definitely changed. People were not taking as many pictures of themselves or had the technology to upload them for the whole world to see, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was no way for validations, likes, comments, interests etc to be pouring in. This includes men and women. Women have now slowly and gradually become as visual as men. Men are still led to believe by mainstream society that women in this day and age are not as visual as men. In all other aspects of her life; shopping, selecting paint and wallpaper, curtains, dresses, jeans, shirts, shoes, handbags, sofa, refrigerator, pets, TV, laptops and tablets, gadgets, holidays, cars, houses, food, phones, anything and everything, she uses her eyes to evaluate its aesthetic pleasure and attractiveness, fractionally later come the price, quality, material composition / characteristics, durability etc. She then makes a decision whether she wants the product or not. But when it comes to finding a man, all of a sudden, men are led to believe that if many men get rejected that it has absolutely nothing (i.e 0%) to do with their looks! It must be their lack of confidence, conversation skills. That’s what you hear. Really? Not even 1% to do with his looks? How then is it that when a lot of men who haven’t even made conversation with the women they’ve ‘liked’ (expressed interest in), they get very little to zero responses? Let’s go deeper. The following is from research.

      Research and experiments have been conducted whereby 80% of women go after the top 20% of men with the good looks, money and status. These men are at the highest rank and most desirable. The rest 80% of the men are considered average or below average, who are ignored and invisible, at the bottom of the pile. It has also been researched and experimented that women do in fact judge a man’s looks first just like a man judges a woman’s looks first but women do not admit this and will say they’re looking for a kind, decent, caring, honest, sincere, confident man etc. Online searching is based primarily on looks for both men and women. Men who are not photogenic will face constant rejection and disappointment (does this not resonate with what’s happening on this and other apps being experienced by majority of men being ignored?) This is a fact. Therefore, online matrimonial and dating apps / websites ARE NOT LEVEL PLAYING FIELDS where one gender enhances their looks with make up and the other doesn’t but both genders are being instantly judged and instantly judging the opposite gender on their looks! Most men from all over the world who are on apps and online, Muslims and non Muslims, are expressing being ignored / getting no replies!

      Personal anecdote: A female work colleague was on another Muslim website for a long time, endlessly searching and being disappointed. She told me what she went through online. She advised me not to search online as it’s like shopping, that she came across many timewasting men and I would too come across many timewasting women. When online, people only see you as a product of physical attractiveness. You’re not seen as a human being and the choice of ‘products’ makes one indecisive, no exclusivity, commitment or loyalty to develop a connection with anybody. Abundance of choice mentality. Better, hotter person just a click away etc. She is now married and she didn’t meet him online. I agree to what she said. Online is probably the worst and most toughest place to find a spouse for most people. Only very few people find success online.

      But I didn’t just leave it there. I dug a bit deeper so I also asked a few other female colleagues, Muslims and non Muslims for them to be honest on how they search for a man on apps or online. Their response was that they receive too many interests and they only scroll through their inbox to see who the most physically attractive men are, then they’ll click open his profile to read it, to gauge if there’s any commonality / compatibility. If they like what they see on whole, and feel he might ‘be the one’, they reciprocate the ‘like’ and match to start a conversation. The cycle is repeated as they come across a lot of players / timewasters / liars. On some occasions when they don’t receive much attention, they’ll go through the database and seek the men they find most physically attractive and ‘like’ him first then wait for his response. Sometimes they’ll read his profile, sometimes not. All the other men in their inbox who they deem to be physically unattractive are ignored (not viewed) or crossed (rejected) as they’re focusing on exchanging messages, getting to know the men they’re physically attracted to / interested in. I’m talking about the sample of women I asked at my work, doesn’t apply to all women.

      Another female work colleague joined Muzmatch and within 2 days she received over 250 likes! This is no lie as she showed me the inbox of her profile and I saw the number of likes with my own eyes. It was a real eye opener! I jokingly said to her ‘Lucky you. All these hot guys chasing you’. Her response: ‘Nah, most of them are ugly and the ones I like waste my time when we start chatting. I’m talking to this one guy I like at the moment, will see how it goes. When it comes to marriage I don’t find most men attractive but a lot of men like me and I won’t marry anyone I don’t like’. I thought to myself ‘Fussy or what? Fair enough, I guess there has to be mutual attraction’. But over 250 likes in 2 days blew my mind. As Allah being my witness, this is what she said!

      Again, I don’t mean to offend you, although you mentioned your parents had an arranged marriage, that wasn’t the question I asked. You haven’t explained why you didn’t advise Speaker to go for an arranged marriage like you advised FractalIntake who are equally struggling like many of us. My point is that advice should be consistent if both people are going through the same struggle.

      Having spent over a year on Muzmatch trying to find a wife, sending many ‘likes’ trying to connect with a woman to get to know further, along with reading the number of men being ignored and rejected here and on other websites, searching for a spouse online and apps for most people seems the toughest and the most draining. Nothing feels worse than being ignored and although women are equally finding it hard because of encountering players / timewasters and liars etc, ladies at least you have men expressing interest in you and you’re not being ignored. Imagine how it feels being in our shoes.

      I’ve come to the conclusion that:

      (1) Don’t put all your eggs in one basket with apps and online searching. This is just one out of many methods to find a spouse and is probably the most draining and toughest. It’s good to take a break now and again.

      (2) Try social events / activities in your area. Marriage events, seminars, weddings etc. Meet more people in your free time, hobbies where you’re likely to meet someone with similar interests, ask friends, family, relatives, work colleagues if they can introduce you to someone, local masjids etc. On the outside world, through introductions, attraction can blossom in many different ways. It’s more likely than trying to forever sell oneself as a ‘product’ online.

      (3) Lastly, be humble, patient, lower your standards and make dua.

  29. Sabra says:

    Fractalntake. I appreciate your feedback. Not to be ugly or anything but I think that you are looking for a white girl. And, women please don’t attack me, I think that he should marry one. It’s not haram for you, so why not? The Prophet SAWS did it. If I were a man and it was allowed in Islam, I would have done it. The only thing I ask is if you do marry one, don’t push her to become Muslim. Many brothers do that and either alienate the wife or drive them away and break up their homes. Just have an agreement that the kids are raised Muslim and work hard at educating your children.

    • FractalIntake says:

      I’m afraid I’ve made it into an essay again…

      Wording optimisation is not my forte. So they are unnecessarily long. Like a 70s prod rock guitar solo…

      For some reason more white women approached me than my “own kind”. I’ve used other sites (not tinder), though never a smashing success either. The problem was most of them had adulterous affairs and were’t “people of the book”. So therefor they’re “invalid”.

      Before I used dedicated Islamic apps such as this, I thought most women were pretty much alike. And that’s not completely unfounded if you ask me. Men are far more varied in everything. We are literally the worst of society, but also at the top of a lot of things. And nothing reflects this better than careers. Women dominated fields are far less diverse than men dominated ones. Again, personality differences. I would argue mostly due to the way they were raised instead of biological differences but that’s another discussion. But that became stunningly apparent after using tools like MM where virtually ALL characters are identical.

      You have to think really hard engaging “my kind” because their profile are paralysingly dull. It’s incredibly rare to find a unique character. Perhaps it’s cultural differences. Asian people are much more herd like and always have to be in a large group to really find themselves. That’s true also for Chinese ppl btw whom I respect a lot (they get things done!) . Western people are not perfect either, they are too individualistic and just miss the bigger picture beyond his/her short lifespan. Neither school of philosophy is absolutely correct. There’s good and bad in both.

      Personality compatibility matters in relationship. Everyone want’s to express themselves and be heard. And people have different levels/means of expressing themselves. If i can’t express myself fully then I feel I don’t exist. If I talk to a dog about the importance of my work-something I’m passionate about, he will just stare at me with his tongue rolling out. Maybe tilting his head slightly.

      Before I get attacked, let me just say most white women and most asian women share more similarities than differences. My argument is proportionality. The normal distribution curve is much broader with Western women. So you are far more likely to find interesting Western women then an Asian one. Just like you never see an Asian women go ice climbing or attend the same category of TEDx lectures as I do.

      I will always choose a Muslim women, even though I’m allowed to marry a Christian or a Jew. Don’t necessarily have a problem with that either providing they are genuine Christians/Jews. But of course it’s far better to marry a Muslim who can understand me fully. And less ideological conflicts with the children too.

      If my experience on Muzmatch is anything to go by, then It appears I’m good at repulsing Asian women. Because virtually everyone skips me with the occasional 2-3 per month or so. And I’m trying to figure out why. Being a scientist (evidently not a social one), let me first make some hypothesis which may or may not test…

      1) Asian women expect men to make first move (as do everyone but more so with Asian)

      2) I’m too avantguard (even for most white women) and all round wierd

      3) The way I express myself just confuses Asian people who’s probably more use to the common/familiar then most

      4) The competition between Asian men are very high. Most of them have two PhD’s, as fit as a Marine and tall as date trees

      5) I don’t spend money on male grooming products. Which is an obsession for Asian men these days. I’m cleanly shaven. It’s precision engineering over precision cut bears for me

      6) all round unfamiliar and too far from the herd.

      7) Not good looking enough

      8) I Don’t really smile. 100% guilty of that. I never smile in my photos. Just find them cringe *urrggh*

      9) not tall enough (5-11)

      Anyway that’s my opinion. I understand people look for different things and I respect that. People are far more complicated then cultural dogmas. I put great emphasis on individuality, creativity and depth of character. Other’s probably don’t. Just don’t dismiss people who have different perspectives than you

      • Sabra says:

        I would say this. If you really want to take this step, then approach it with the same dedication you use for science projects. Sell yourself. Take a professional smiling picture. Grow a beard. Who knows? I don’t think that marriage is all it’s cracked out to be but finding someone special who appreciates you and treats you well, makes all this worth it. Also, like you, I’m not traditional but I want the man to make the first move. That shows me two things. He’s confident and he chooses to talk to me. At the end of the day what you are doing is not working. Try something different. You would do that at work. Why not with this too?

        • FractalIntake says:

          Aye

          People automatically have high expectations of themselves. When they try something new, they expect to be instantly good at it.

          What splits people with skills is they don’t let their struggle stop them. You find your limit, you reach them and you leave them behind.

          It was a nice discussion. I think I’ll take a break now and just focus on finishing my PhD and keep my wit intact. It might come useful in the future by landing me a high payed job. So i might have slightly higher chance of finding a partner :V *Mild sarcasm*

          Happy cycling

  30. Saba says:

    I thought I was the only one having problem. I met a guy. We spoke for like nearly 2 months. Out of blue he sends me a message saying he can’t continue due to geolocations…Anyways, moi going to focus on my PhD as well. This online thing is very stressful. All the best and May Allah make it easy for all of us. Ameen

  31. Sabra says:

    Not to embarrass anyone but Fractalintake and Saba, you two should exchange information and connect. Inshallah Khair.

  32. Me says:

    I’m having similar issues to everyone else here. Been on the app a year.

  33. Sabra says:

    Mikhail you are acting just like an old guy. Speaker is right. You are old. Her parents aren’t old. You are. Besides don’t disparage people’s parents or their health. I’d like to see how much you can run. Right now you are just running your mouth or fingers in this instance. Good for Speaker for taking care of her parents. You should learn from her. With guys like you around Alhamdulliah that I’m not married. astaghfirAllah.

    • MikhaEl says:

      Sabra Firstly, you are misinformed. If you bothered to read and follow the conversation, you would know that Speaker’s parents are older than I. Also, I bet that I can outrun you. I mentioned the health of Speaker’s parents because she tried to use them as a yardstick to measure my stamina. And I will say again, if her parents are 50 years old and need their children to take care of them, that means that they have seriously neglected their health. You feel that 50 is old because you were just born yesterday. Old is relative – A ten year old will say that YOU are old – UNDERSTAND? Women like you can’t find a husband because you run your mouth too much, even though what you’re saying doesn’ake any sense. With all of the men on Muzmatch, you can’t find a husband? Something is wrong with you.

  34. Sabra says:

    Whatever, MikhaEl. You are still old.

  35. Mo says:

    I’m struggling to find serious people too. Girls who like me have blank profiles and have “will fill in later” or “almost reached 100 characters” profiles. Despite mentioning that I’m serious and only on the app to find a spouse they still like and almost never bother to find out about me as much as I try to find out about them.

  36. Shah says:

    I’m from West Midlands UK, I am new to this, but reading all this puts you down and makes you loose hope, well princess if your out there I’m waiting

  37. Saba says:

    Well, there are no prince and no princess, unfortunately. So stop waiting. This online thing is so not working.

  38. Saba says:

    Well, there are no princes or princess, unfortunately. So stop waiting. This online thing is so not working.

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