This week’s guest blog is written by lifestyle coach and author Nasema Begum.
It’s nearly here already, Valentine’s Day and everywhere you will go – you will know ‘love is in the air’…Eye roll. Before you know it, it’ll be wedding season again! It’s yet another reminder of my single status! This time of year was a painful reminder of my reality, for others there was excitement, laughter and love. But all I wanted to do was be invisible.
Weddings were especially a nightmare; I spent that time avoiding eye contact with other guests and pretending to be preoccupied. The last thing I wanted to hear was how single I was and how married everyone else is! It left me feeling like I complete and utter failure …WHAM! Yet another dent in my confidence.
The one thing that never fails to surprise me is the so-called aunties asking my parents ‘why isn’t your daughter married yet?!’ and you’re standing next to them… Not only awkward but rude! Every day became an obstacle course. I was ducking and diving anything wedding related including shops and even T.V programmes!
So, why are you single? Is it because of your hectic work schedule, family commitments and try having a social life on top of that is difficult, to say the least! So, meeting someone and arranging to go on ‘dates’ is asking for a miracle! Or is it something else?
The truth will set you free, No seriously it does!
We’ve all met singles that are serious about getting married. Then there are those who are just wasting your time as well their own. Ladies and gents you know who you are so do all the other singles! One interaction with you, your attitude screams ‘I’m not bothered!’ Yes, you’ve been caught red-handed!
Let’s get down to the truth, are you seriously looking to get married or are you doing it because it’s expected! Are you in your mid to late twenties or even worse, in your thirties and still single? Is the pressure mounting to get married fast?
It’s time to be honest. It’s easy say I’m busy and avoid the real issue. Are you worried about rejection? Are you not ready for marriage? Or you’re still getting over a previous relationship. Telling people you’re too busy or engrossing yourself in work is an easy way out. If you’re not ready for whatever reason, it’s ok. Whatever the case; be honest with yourself, then you can stop trying to meet and date singles when you don’t want to get married… Crazy right?! Trust me; it will take a massive weight of your shoulders..
What if you’re serious about marriage, you just don’t have time to date and you’re wondering when your soulmate will turn up. Now it’s your turn to be honest, did you take the search process seriously, or was it occasional attempts here and there? Here a few tips to help you jump into the driver’s seat and take control of your love life.
Organising and Commitment
No matter how busy you are, getting married needs to become a priority in your life. You must be totally and completely committed to meeting and marrying your soulmate. So, if your attitude is ‘I don’t feel it this week’ or ‘I’ll meet The One when its fate’ and then assume you’ll somehow bump into them in Tesco’s whilst buying milk – You’re sadly mistaken! To meet your future spouse you need to put in the time effort and take consistent action. That means looking at your schedule, re-prioritising and moving things around to fit it in … then let fate do the rest.
Set dating goals
We all have goals for different aspects of our lives, jobs, careers, health and much more. What about our married life? Other than getting married at a certain age and having children what goals do you actually have to meet your spouse? Or are you hoping someone within your family circle will introduce you to them because that’s the way it usually happens – Right? Wrong! You’re going to be single for a long time if you’re waiting on other people.
If you are serious about getting married, set clear measurable goals just like projects at work. For example, it could be exploring new singles on Muzmatch for 10 minutes every day, contacting two singles every week to see if they’re compatible or going on one date every month. Set very specific goals and work towards them every day.
I know it’s easy to overlook these goals when you’re busy at work. Here’s the fun part, well maybe not for you!. Ask a friend to keep you accountable and set painful, Yes, PAINFUL consequences if you don’t meet your goals. It could be giving away £100 to charity or doing the ghost chilli challenge, take your pick. I’m sure your friend will have a great time coming up with challenges.
Don’t wait for perfect timing before you take action. So, don’t wait until you’re less busy or wait to resolve a difficult family situation, just keep taking action. The reality is there will always be something that needs managing; there’s never going to be a good time.
It’s the same for your dating life, if you expect things to happen in a particular way, stop! Just take action. For example, if you always meet dates in the evening for dinner, after a long day at work and your less engaging because you’re tired, change it up. Say your date works near you, arrange to meet them for coffee, for an hour, during the working day. You don’t need to meet them for dinner every time.
Just be flexible in the approach you undertake; that includes saying ‘yes’ to parties, weddings, nights out with friends and colleagues when you’d rather stay at home. Look for all the opportunities to meet people; you don’t know when you’ll bump into your future spouse. (Please note don’t overkill this – choose what’s good and when!)
Do what you love
Having a busy life with a huge responsibilities means we stop doing the things that make us happy. Yet somehow we expect to get married by going to work, coming home and only mingling with people we know or have time for. Expand your circle and do more activities, it will bring new people into your life. You never know, you might meet someone who’ll introduce you to your future spouse. So, go out there and join meetups, book clubs, volunteer for a charity once a month or go to the gym.
Let’s face it when we’re happy and relaxed, it’s better to be around us. It makes us more attractive, our personality shines through and we’re more likely to crack a joke, smile and make others laugh. Who wants to me married to a miserable workaholic anyway?
If you’re still not convinced and think you don’t have time to relax or take up a hobby, then ask yourself ‘are you ready for marriage?’ If you don’t have time now, you definitely won’t have time once you’re married. Marriage takes time and work, even on the good days! Marriage with an absent spouse; is marriage that’s in trouble. So, put in the practise now and start making time.
Get set up
You’ve probably had a few awkward introductions arranged by your family and they got is so wrong it’s put you off for life… So, that part has probably got you screaming ‘You’re crazy’, ‘Hell no!’ or ‘Never gonna happen’. The funny thing is you may hate it, you say you’re never going to do that again, yet you expect your family to find compatible singles and set you up… Confused, so am I!
It’s time to take a slightly different approach, which means avoiding those ristha aunties. Think about who you can ask, people who know you well and can be trusted to find compatible singles. Consider including colleagues, friends, close family like your siblings and cousins. I know many singles who have gotten married only to find their spouse knew, for years in some cases, several close family and friends. So, your future spouse may be hiding in plain sight!
Getting married is like everything else in life, if you want it, you must make time for it. It’s easy to wait around and hope that your parents find someone for you or fate steps in and you marry the new guy or girl at work. If you’re serious about marriage, take matters into your own hands. Finding the person who is right for you takes time; keep taking action because your future spouse is around the corner, just keep going.
Where do you think busy singles going wrong? What should they be doing? Or are they just not that serious about marriage? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
As The Dating Coach Nasema Begum helps singles to powerfully navigate the halal dating scene with ease, so they can to meet and marry their soulmate. Nasema has been trained by coaching giants in the Muslim and non Muslim world. She is also the co-author of the number one best-seller The Muslim Entrepreneur Mind. You can download her FREE ebook Unstoppable Confidence: 13 POWERFUL steps to Happiness and Life on Your Terms at nasemabegum.com. You can follow Nasema on facebook: Nasema Begum Coach and Instagram: @Nasemab.
The muzmatch app is where Single Muslims meet. Halal, free and fun, thousands of members find their partner on muzmatch with hundreds of weddings taking place around the world. Quality profiles, advanced filters, photo privacy, and cutting edge security make it easy to help you find the ONE.