When Being The Nice Guy Is Not Enough

Watching my sisters go through the rishta process I discovered that so many men were utterly unpleasant personalities, even in the company of their parents. Describing her own experiences, one successful female friend said, she would feel more safe in a bar full of drunk English men than she would in the company of (some) British Pakistani men. If it wasn’t their subtle misogynist approach, it was the same from their equally misogynist parents, reflecting everything wrong about the modern Muslim dating scene. No better exemplified by Prophet Muhammad’s own statement that people marry for different reasons, with many focused today on the material and superficial, with quality of character barely a moments after thought.

It didn’t matter whether these men were religious wearing flowing long thobes with beards, or at the other extreme, liberals who drank for ‘work purposes.’ Often lacking basic social skills, they shared one common trait, a belief that they were God’s gift to womankind, expecting their wives to worship them, instead of being their equals, complimenting one another, as the Quran instructs.

When it came to my turn I made the foolish mistake of assuming that all educated and professional British Muslim women were like my sisters: polite yet confident, friendly yet modest, sensible yet adventurous, but above all, well-mannered and decent. But what was once the ‘privilege’ for British South Asian women, had now extended to British South Asian men.

I was not tall enough. My salary was to low. The age gap is too high. There’s a fault with the way I look. I’m too adventurous. I have the wrong shade of brown. Apparently, I’m a nice guy, but… Every ‘complaint’ that had been levied on my sisters had been levied onto me, and more. I am all for gender equality but this seemed to be regression.

With time I discovered that some of these women had been coerced into relationships by men, often through professional Muslim networking organisations in London. Sometimes these relationships are physical, sometimes they are not.  For example, in the case of one well-known Muslim network, two female volunteers left because they had both unknowingly slept with the same male volunteer. In another case, a man had courted a woman for many months, at the end of which criticising her for not wearing a hijab. After having his way with her, he said that his mother and sisters wore a hijab and he expected his future wife to wear a hijab. So despite knowing that this woman did not, he still initiated dialogue with her, then rejected her, damaging her self confidence.

When approached these organisations either defended these men or simply ignored the complaints. Instead of protecting women from these predators by banning them, they simply continue to roam freely looking for their next victim.

Irrespective of the severity of incidents, it became clear that some men had come along, captured the hearts of women eager to settle down, taken advantage of the women, then left, leaving them devastated.  Subsequently, some women have become more cautious, they are scared, and they no longer trust men. In some cases this had led to stress, even depression. And while different, the situation for men is equally troubling.

Tired of the traditional approach, I set up profiles across numerous websites from Guardian Soulmates to eHarmony, and many more. My profile kept matching up to a number of women across the sites. I had met with two (not at the same time). Despite getting along extremely well, both decided that I wasn’t what they were looking for. It was as if being the right person with everything in swing, simply wasn’t enough. Like finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, wanting another bigger, better, faster, cool, taller, more handsome, wealthier, healthier, different complexioned pot.The harsh reality, the new norm, is that just as women were once rejected, men too are being subjected to equally flippant bias.

Once I had arranged to meet a lady. The night before, at 1am, she sent an SMS saying that she could not make it and wanted to reschedule. Later I discovered the reason why, she was out socialising with her friends. On another ocassion, I spoke with a lady for over an hour on the phone getting along extremely well. Just before we were scheduled to meet, she had found my Facebook profile and drawn certain assumptions which were of course inaccurate, and so concluded that we were not suited. Another time I had met a wonderful lady. While I was abroad for some weeks with limited connectivity, upon my return she called it off as she didn’t like the speed at which matters progressed. On another occasion, a woman I had met a number of times, who stated quite clearly that she was interested, her friends starting sending me abuse saying that I was not worthy of her.  Certainly I am not perfect, but what I have discovered is that some women today do not hold the values which my own siblings were raised with. They are rude, unpleasant, disorganised and shamefully presumptuous.

Do not misunderstand me, nothing should ever progress without both parties demonstrating a mutual interest. I have met a number of women, we have sat, spoken and concluded amicably that we are not suited to one another. We have thanked each other and wished one another well. People are different, with varying expectations, and there is no shame in acknowledging and acting upon this. What I hadn’t expected in this process, was to be subjected to the same bias once imparted onto my sisters and my female friends, discovering that sometimes being the nice guy is simply not enough.

May Allah Almighty have mercy and remove the impediments from those seeking to marry, from marrying. And may we all be blessed with the company of the good in our lives, ameen.

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Written by an anonymous muzmatcher.

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117 Responses

  1. Oak says:

    Well written. I think one of the problems with “online” matching is people are always looking for something “better.” It so easy to start talking to someone else. Courtesy has gone out the window. People think as they don’t “know” they don’t have to worry about courtesy. A prime example is when you match with someone people won’t say hi, but continue surfing until thy have a list to work through. I had one person say “sorry I had no internet.” Now even if that was possible in this day and age, all phones have mobile data ? May allah find the best for those with sincere intentions.

  2. fraz mubarik says:

    well said

  3. Anon says:

    This is very true! I am a female and I always get told by brother’s that I am too old, why have I left marriage so late. Do these people not know that you can’t force marriage and that it’s all in Allah’s hands and all we can do is try. Or I get rejected by guys who are 5″5 because I’m 5ft and I wear heels. Let’s not forget that I’m too cute and have the whole girl next door look going on, and am not sexy enough. The worst is the fact that our brothers and sisters have forgotten the true meaning of marriage, the Islamic qualities that we should be looking for. Brother’s and sister’s are lost, and I get so disheartened when brother’s reject me because I wear a hijab. They ask me if I always wear it, will I take it off for them, what’s my reasons behind wearing it, or I won’t fit in with their family because their mother and sister don’t wear hijab. It’s so sad because we live in a western society and hijab is accepted by my English employer and work colleagues and they understand that a woman’s beauty is just for her husband, yet born muslim men do not know why I wear hijab.

    Gone are the days of finding out the basics about each other, meeting up with a mahrem with a view to getting married, and getting family involved. Instead it’s all about a profile which you say anything on and mainly what others want to hear and pictures. Oh one photo is never enough, guys ask for a full figure photo, or an instant one, they want to spend time exchanging photos through WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook etc. Seriously, who has time for all that. Does a profile and photo give a true reflection of someone’s qualities? Then I come across those who want to spend months chatting on WhatsApp and the phone and never meet. Do they not know that wasting time is a big sin in Islam. I very rarely come across a genuine guy who wants to know what type of person I am. They don’t ask me if I pray 5 times a day, am I family orientated, do I respect others, do I have good manners, am I honest and do I give charity. Instead it’s about my looks, figure, job, what car I drive, how many houses I own, what my siblings do for a living.
    We live in such a materialistic society. These people need to stop and think that these are not islamic qualities, allah gives us wealth and can take it in an instant, we don’t take money to our grave. Allah gives us looks, good health, good job etc, but can take that away. This life is a test. Please do not be blinded by superficial things, and start looking for what really matters. Deen and taqwa!

    I personally think that the muslim ummah are lost, and we need a lot more education around marriage.

    May allah help and guide us all.

    Ameen

    • B A S says:

      I like what you said and I am interested in talking to you about marriage because my focus is deen and character.

    • Hoz786 says:

      As Salaamu Alaikum sister I have been subjected to almost the same as you have very beautifully mentioned above.

      I have been looking for quite a few years now without any luck.

      If you are interested, then message me.

      JazakAllah and may Allah find the best suiters for all of us Aameen

    • Anon says:

      My pet hate is when I consider guys my age or above, who look old, are bald, white haired with a paunch and even though I am very attractive, they reject me because they are looking for someone young enough to be their daughter or even possibly their granddaughter!

    • Heba says:

      Very beautifully explained and written. It has become very frustrating. May Allah give us sabr. A meen

  4. Hass says:

    Assalaamu-Alaikum

    Shame on the men who prey on women and shame on those women for alluring those men on.

    “It takes two to tango”

    Unless it’s straight up being raped which was not mentioned in the cited examples within this article.

    As a Muslim man who has strived to preserve his chastity against the onslaught of sexuality within this modern society, if we (men and women) don’t lower our fantasies of the spouse we desire to those bordering reality, we may very well settle for what is worst when it comes down to it.

    Subsequently, our guard towards modesty, humility and chastity will be go down and weakened by the methods employed by Shaytan and lo and behold we reap what our own hands have earned.

    May Allah protect us, Ameen.

  5. Imran says:

    It’s a sad society that we live in, I think the days of traditional introduction may not n hindsight have been better.

    you seen the girl, the guy sees the girl there is a mutual attraction and then if things progress its all done in a halal way.

    Sadly in today’s age both men and women treat this as dating whether they like to admit to it or not. You meet somewhere for a coffee you chat both have preconceptions about what they like/ dislike then it ends with disagrements moving forward. A pat on the back to say sorry we don’t match when im sure if both people actually treated it differently there might be a more positive outcome.

  6. Oak says:

    In the interest of honesty and openness I have to admit, being 6″ I do want someone relative in hieght. Though I’d like to think that is my only “physical” pre-requisite. If short girls like tall guys, do they not think tall guys might like a tall lady. Though I believe some people have taken go dining someone “attractive” to them a little to far attraction is the ought heart, not the eyes.

    • Brock says:

      Mr. Oak. Short girls like tall guys and tall guys like tall girls.
      That leaves short girls and (especially) short guys with a problem.
      Life. I used to think I’m not short, until I joined this app. Now I’m seeing comments here by 5’9″ s and 6′ s, saying they are short 😀

  7. Halal says:

    Unfortunately, men and women are more concerned about the proverbial click/materialustic aspect of marriage. One should focus on sharing the same values and bliefs as oppose to finding an ‘instant connection’ from the second you meet.

    People need to stop judging. If your not married by a certain age ( especially for women) it doesn’t mean something is ‘wrong’ with you (as most people will happily point out your flaws) – don’t forget we are sent in pairs …sometime it takes longer to meet the ‘one’.

  8. Saqib says:

    So true, I was set to be engaged to someone from Pakistan but she called it off because she thought that I was fat.

    Then I was muzmatched with a woman from Glasgow and we were getting on fine until she asked for pitures of me which I complied then after that she just unmatched me.

    Girls these day are very fussy and seem to be looking for a “real” man who are rich, handsome, tall but fail to realise that people come in different falvours and that by being too fussy they won’t find their husband until they learn to lower their standards.

    Now I am not saying that men aren’t any better when they can equally be just as fussy but what I am trying to say that people need to be more open minded when looking for their life partner.

    My older brother also ran into women who are on marriage site but clearly have no intention of getting married and just messing about which I think is unfair as they are just wasting his time.

    When I am looking for my life partner the only thing that really matters to me is if the girl is family oranted as I want her to get on with my family and I want to get on with her’s family. Looks, heights and job don’t mean much to me as I believe that it’s personalty that matters in the long run.

    • Brock says:

      You are entitled to search for whatever you want and so is any girl.
      I always encourage people (both men and women) to keep their photos revealed. Why? Because then whoever ‘likes’ you, will already have accepted you for your looks. Then you can do your charms by your personality.

  9. The Wayfarer says:

     An interesting read not just about Mr Nice Guy.

    A quick reply to the first comment: I do not have mobile data :/ (but neither am I on muzmatch so it wasn’t me!)

    Back to the article above:

    It brings to light a very disturbing fitnah which exists today in the muslim society. Lack of deeni education and development of Taqwa will lead men and women into  sinful relationships.

    If we create boundaries between boys and girls from a young age we will inshaAllah be unlikely to be coerced and trapped into a haram relationship. I am not talking about physical barriers such as segregation at school (I myself had all my secular education in a mixed environment)  but of education of young minds, the dangers one can fall into such as above. The reasoning behind “…Do not go close to zina…” ( Surah Al-Israh, Ayah 32)

    Readers of this are likely to be young brothers and sisters who are embarking upon a new beginning and once married it is so easy in this day and age for both to become engrossed into their lives and careers; all in good intention of giving their own children the opportunies they themselves may or may not have received.

    But to fulfill one requirement do not forget to fulfill the most important.

    We all need to make the intention that our offspring/future offspring are islamically educated. This does not mean enrolling them into an islamic school but educating them at home from a young age on a daily basis. We need to be able to provide an explanation for every requirement in our beautiful religion; for this it is important we educate ourselves.

    Whilst educating ourselves we need to learn to recognise that deen and good character are essential when selecting a spouse. It will be these chatacteristics which we will need to impart to future generations inshaAllah. And it will be these chatacteristics which will serve as a reminder for each other of our true purpose in this world and of our final destination inshaAllah.

    May Allah guide us all, increase our knowledge and enable us to act upon it.
    May He protect us from all forms of fitna.
    And may Allah grant all a righteous spouse and offspring.

    • Kaffy says:

      It’s so disheartening that all guys want is to see your full pictures some even send indecent picture to you on Whatsapp. May Almighty Allah help us locate our ordained partner. Amin

  10. Sameer says:

    Awesome Article and superb comments….The Materialistic view is the culprit, we are so heads up in the goals of the Dunya, that we don’t even realise that marriage is completing half your imaan.
    The profiles on Muzmatch are hilarious. But im not sure if they are looking for a husband/wife or a Pet. It the same with every online match making site, you should be this and that..Damn!! are you serious? Why should i do what you want me to or be like you? How long would the relationship last?

    Seems like people just want to get it over with just because of family pressure, etc. No wonder there are so many Muslim Men and women who are single. Marriage for muslims is the easiest compared to everyone else. But, it is an unfortunate thing we are bringing upon ourselves. May Allah guide us!

    Muzmatch is expected to be a muslim match app, expecting muslims to behave like muslims. Cleavage shots, seriously?

  11. salma says:

    Lol they even teach converts to be same as born muslims…many yrs converts were the best In telling the truth and in honest dealing about marriage. .now a days even converts are playing same game…you find a brother with long bear but his actions is very strange …may Allah guide us all

  12. Hanif Abdullah says:

    Excellent article indeed.

    Firstly, as a very brief insight into my character, in my industry I am known as being the nicest person around and there are countless websites where my colleagues have said that about me. That’s how I’ve behaved towards every woman I’ve communicated with.

    As a Muslim male, actively seeking for a wife for the first time, I have been devastated by how sisters have generally behaved towards me and treated me. For instance, the majority of women on Muzmatch block you either straight away – even though you’ve been matched! Then, if you don’t reply to anyone even once in a conversation within 24 or 48 hours, that also means a sudden block! Then, many suddenly block you out of the blue after you’ve spent hours text-chatting with them. I’ve never *ever* blocked a woman for these reasons, or for any other for that matter.

    The vast majority of the women on the app don’t have just had a middling education at a tier-two or three university, have average/low-level jobs (primary school teachers etc.), have spent their entire lives living in their parent’s houses in Asian ghettos (east London etc.), and, most importantly, lack anything in the way of charisma, charm or politeness, but they expect the world in terms of a man: house, car, lots of money, film-star looks, height, a track-record of lots of holidays etc.

    Just because they’ve spent their money on visiting a shopping mall and riding a camel in Dubai and on £600 holidays to Morocco and Turkey with their parents and brothers leads them to believe they live a glamorous life, and therefore they believe themselves to be something amazing.

    Many go out of their way to call themselves “bubbly” in their profiles, but they are as dull as a dead dodo when you chat to them or meet them, and you won’t hear a single funny comment leaving their lips in weeks of conversations.

    I’ve also tried several Muslim singles events. At the last two Muslim speed-dating events I attended, I grew to discover that, of the 25-odd men who were present, the women had, on average, selected only zero, one or two men that they wished to have a follow-up conversation with; by comparison, the men had picked several women. When one even contacts women one is matched with, 50% of them don’t even reply. It is empirical evidence of the vastly-disparate level of ‘fussyness’ of the two genders.

    As another brother has stated above, most Muslim women are obviously not even serious about getting married it tragically seems. At best, they mainly just want to text-chat for weeks on end, until they go on their next £600 holiday to Istanbul after which you never hear from them again.

    The tragedy of my experience with these judgemental Muslim women with their absurdly-high expectations is that I have reluctantly decided to move away from seeking a Muslim wife after dozens of disasterous experiences, and am now seeking a non-Muslim wife, as I’ve been treated with far more adaab, respect and love by the latter; they show me a genuine enthusiasm rather than just expecting me to chase after them.

    To give an example of the different levels of adaab, I always pay for a meal with a lady I’m meeting as a matter of courtesy (over £1k spent in just the last few months – Muslim women don’t exactly skimp on what they order when they know they’re getting a freebie meal!) But, whenever I’ve dated non-Muslim women the vast majority will at least offer to pay, or they’ll leave a tip etc., but with 95% of Muslim women they don’t even offer to make a contribution. Yes, 95%! The hijabis – not all of course, but most – are by far the worst in this respect and others. Is that what Islam teaches them?

    All these judgemental and high-and-mighty Muslim women will never ever know that I am a multi-millionaire, because that bit I don’t disclose them as I don’t want gold-diggers swarming over me. Because of how I’ve been repeatedly treated, that millionaire lifestyle will now be enjoyed by a non-Muslim woman (not because money matters as an end in itself, but because, for instance, it gives one a chance to enjoy a more stress-free life and/or explore their spirituality and/or do charitable work and/or give their children a great education.)

    • Halal says:

      Dating is haram.
      Marrying a non muslim is prohibited.
      Not the sort of guy I would want for my sister.
      Someone islamic and humble will do! (Not everyone looks for that millionaire high -flyer) .

    • Youcef says:

      Be patient brother, a non-muslim wife is not the solution, believe me.
      Think far ahead, what if you get divorced and you have kids with her, let’s not be selfish.
      It’s our responsibility to choose a good Muslim mother for our kids.
      Keep praying and ask help from Allah.
      You will in sha Allah find her.

    • sophie says:

      i cant help but be offended by the stereotyping of all british muslim females. As a women who went to a top class uni, earns more than the average man and lives a safe distance away from the ‘asian ghetto’ (and i wont get started on my movie star good looks), i can assure you it’s probably even harder finding a decent muslim man.

      at least faith permits you to marry outside your religion because sadly thats not an option for the better gender 😛

    • Hope says:

      Brother it is a famous hadith that a woman is married for four reasons… wealth, family, beauty and religion and the better choice is to marry for religion. Have patience and do not marry a non muslim woman. She would not be a right role model for your children. Many good muslimahs still exist in this time and age so have hope.

    • Anne says:

      Speaking of being judgemental… Muslim women this, that or simply the individuals you met from “low level jobs” educating kids as they would for yours… That’s epicly non judgemental.

    • Miss s says:

      That is so sad.
      SUBHA NAALLAH.
      MAY ALLAH give you a wife who is not only r8ghteous and devout but also a believer.

    • Ifti says:

      Hahahaha bubbly on £600 vacation hahaha. Dude u are absolutely correct. Infact I had this discussion with someone on why these women try to show off that their money when they really don’t have it, and the reply was to attract the right crowd. I’ve been through almost the same. I’ve had women reject me merely for the reason when I said I’m looking for someone homely, not someone who stays home, cause I am homely myself. But yeah, sucks. Best of luck to you man!!!

  13. Immy says:

    I am giving up on trying to get married. Like seriously. I know it’s half your seen but women to me seem well horrible. Examples girls hide their picture so you can’t see what they look like. Ok cool that’s Islamic but then when you do see them they aren’t wearing a hijab (not judging they can do as they like) but it’s seems like double standards. Plus by not being able to see my picture or theirs seems to be setting them up for a fall. I might get ok great with someone but they might then see me and think I’m not attracted to you at all. That’s not unIslamic. People should marry people they find attractive. Just don’t make that your only criteria.

    Also girls want this that and the other. E.g. I got on very well with a girl. I told her I was a chef. She unmatched me straight away. Why? Because she thought I was making less money than she is looking for? Never have I been called short in my life until I tried to get married. Now 5ft9 is nigh on being a midget lol. She always wants someone to bring her closer to her deen? You can’t do that yourself. So basically I got to be a nice guy, rich and not well off but rich, make her a better muslim. Let her spend my money, treat her nicely etc etc. And what do I get in return? A girl addicted to the fast life but says she isn’t interested in the Dunya. Lol!!!

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      I almost chuckled when I read your closing question (astagfirullah) but “touché.” What indeed are you getting in return?

      My advice, if you haven’t already pay for the premium subscription at least 1 month. And tailor your search to your preference in women then hit it hard ≥50 profile views a day. I can almost promise you you’ll find WAY more matches than you thought possible. I did. In 2 weeks.

      Stay strong Brother!

  14. Sister A says:

    A good reas and some interesting views discussed. As a Muslim woman who deems herself to be practising and decent, I share the struggles of my sisters in finding a partner. We admit both genders have issues, however we are deluded by several factors: bollywood/hollywood culture, speeches delivered by every concerned aunty uncle and friend on what we “should” be seeking, our own misconceptions, prejudices and lack of patience.

    We need to step away from.materialisam and truly ponder why we want to get married. I agree, yes Deen and Taqwa should supercede all other characteristics as they are important in establishing an Islamic home, a truly beautiful marriage etc.

    Try fasting to eeduce your temptations, busy yourself in worship and good deeds and make lots of Dua.

    As the sister said previously, it is all in the hands of Allah Swt, the most merciful, the provider, the nourisher, the all knowing.

    As for halal dating? A noe concept we’ve come to accept. Give people a chance, please, stop judging in what’s in front of you, and find out the person’s character and personality. Attraction comes and goes, you might be attracted to their personality and values, how they treat others, kindness, patient, etc

    We have to return to Islam and take an Islamic perspective on this.

    May Allah swt make it easy for us to find a righteous partner and keep us away from harm, zina and sin.

    Ameen

  15. Nabeel says:

    Salaam

    You have not written your name but I really liked your story and I totally agree with you. I am in a smiler position as you but you were at least lucky to meet woman. lot of the woman on matrimonial sites want to talk on the phone then decide what they want to do. Those who even want to meet you they make excuses in the end. My question is how are we meant to get to know each other and for what I seen that woman want everything in guys I.e good profession, height, good looking, etc etc so my other question is where does the people like the one I have just given a comment to or like me who is not got a professional job stand.there is hardly any chance for people who not good a better job or is average looking. The demand is too high from ladies now.

  16. Nabeel says:

    I have liked everyone comment on this site and all I want to say now that the problem with people now a days is that they are following western culture rather then deen that is the reason people are more divorce and hard to find so called Mr right or miss right.

  17. Oak says:

    Irony about all these blogs and comments is the people who we all described aren’t the ones who would come on here and read the blogs.

    Maybe we can have a separate muzmatch for the bloggers

    • The Wayfarer says:

      Different mindsets.

      Which is why we need a more efficient way to filter out the more sincere singletons…and keep the process for a spouse as halal as possible.

      One rule my family have had when searching for spouses whether introduced by family/friends or online (we have tried singlemuslim; Muzmatch bloggers have not convinced me)

      After initial compatibility e.g. profile, age, height, religious values etc is established – meet face to face.

      (Initial compatibility is established not just by the person getting married but by parent/sibling)

      -No photos shared (male or female )
      -No telephone calls between singletons
      -No months of exchanging messages.

      It filters out all the people who are not serious about getting married.

      And if you meet you kill two birds with one stone, excuse the pun; compatibility on a personal level and physically.

      May Allah make this search easy and successful for all.

    • Brock says:

      Haha.. Oak. Well said

  18. Nazma says:

    Really well said. I can relate to a lot of these issues having been through them myself. Brothers and sisters alike dismiss other’s on petty grounds. Very few take the time to get to know the real person behind the profile. I’m a fairly new user and already have experienced brothers who are matched with me but then when I try to initiate a conversation they immediately unmatch me. Hence I have hidden my picture. Being a divorcee I think men simply look at my picture without bothering to read my profile. Then when they were matched they actually had to read my profile and very obviously put off by the fact that I am divorced and have children. It’s very disheartening and puts one down, lowering self esteem especially when it happens over and over. I would urge everyone to read a members profile properly before swiping right or left!

    Never married or divorced – finding the right person is not easy. Both brothers and sisters should think hard before matching themselves to someone – if it was that easy then we wouldn’t be on these sites trying to find someone to share our life with.

    • Brock says:

      There are guys who read profiles. I do, every time. Unfortunately, you won’t be able to come across such guys who who do read them and would not want to marry a divorcee, because you never match with them.
      In Sha Allah you’ll find someone really good for you

  19. Alphatiger says:

    Hanif Abdullah, only an idiot to put them on a pedestal and pay for meals. It’s guys like you who cause this culture. Step 1: a 20 min phone call. Step 2: a walk in a park, high street or museum, or at most £2.50 coffee. A meal is stage 5 when arranging a wedding lol. Get out of your beta mindset, eg I suggest you watch Aras of seductive instinct on YouTube or read/download ‘the way of the superior man’. You don’t need ANY material possessions, just carry your b***’s in a wheelbarrow, not in her purse, and they’ll be the ones doing the chasing.

    • Ronin says:

      Well put. Most men who insist on expensive meals on 1st few dates don’t even treat their parents like that. They’re into flashy things with a big ego… Avoid those men. Most women who insist on those are big red flags and should be avoided like plagues. Avoid those women

  20. Sister A says:

    I agree we need to find a platform.for sincere singletons to find spouses.
    However Muzmatch appeals to the masses and so attracts every type of person. I suggest online methods and traditional through trustworthy friends and family. Try every option and never give up hope.

    As for dining when dating, stick with a coffee to avoid getting conned. If you are so serious you visit the girls family and get to know them and of course, most asians prepare 10 course buffets at this stage.

    I like the 4 step way, concise!
    (Apologies for typos)

  21. Malik says:

    Alphatiger, you are right. I was like Hanif first too and, like most men, put women on a pedestal because I believe that is what was the gentlemanly and Islamic thing to do. However, I have realised that most Muslim are out there to milk you for everything they can get (like Hanif, I never had a woman even offering to pay a penny towards her own meal, nevermind mine) and so now I’m more cautious in how I deal with them and don’t fork out significant amounts of money on dates.

    It’s despairing to be in an era when women claim they want equal rights and equal pay etc., but they then want the man to pay for everything!

    Apparently every single woman on Muzmatch has got the time and money for regular holidays around the world, but they expect men to feed them – and then house them and clothe them and pay for their babies and everything else! Total hypocricy. No wonder there’s so many ageing single Muslim out there. They can retain their Princess mentalities and remain single and enjoy their holidays until they are 38-ish. Then THEY start desperately chasing you because it eventually dawns upon them that (a) their biological clock is ticking and (b) they are just some third-rate Miss Average not a Princess! Lol

  22. Oak says:

    To be fair, I think I think we are being a little unfair to muslims. Most of the people on muzmatch are Asian, I would say, 80% so in essence we are taking about Asian people. Therein lies, the biggest problem. Asians are a species known to themselves. So lets be fair, Asian women are a from another planet. I have conversed with the few non Asian that are on muzzmatch and I can say first hand how, despite nothing coming of it, and having met a few, pleasant the experience was. No games, no “nakhere” straight talkers, no leading you on, no taking 3 days to reply. Unless muzmatch talks 3 days to send a message which I don’t.

    Asian women are some of the conceited, rudest, and arrogant, I have come across, and I really do struggle to just get on with them.

    Here’s a story, I matched with “Amy” a solicitor from Manchester a few months ago. We started talking slowly at first as we established commonalties, similar traits, ideas going forward etc and we started chatting more regular, daily, things just seemed to progress naturally. We were always messaging, calling each other and were getting on great. We were chatting for about three weeks before we met, and we both fairly confident that meeting was just a formality. I mean she would txt me to remind me about namaz times, I mean we really were getting along, it was like we’d been looking for each other.

    I genuinely thought she could be the one, and genuinely thought she felt the same. For the first time I wasn’t nervous about meeting someone in person. Now I’m not the greatest looking guy in the world, id say I’m ok looking, maybe easy on the eye, but you never know with people pics can be deceiving, which is why I believe it’s important to meet early on a soon as possible so you can see the other person in person and see if you get on in person. What is it with Asian women wanting to wait months to meet? Do they not normally go in public with their frineds, seriously, get over yourselves. Anyway, I digress, so the day of the meet came, I was all excited, went all the way up to Manchester form down near London. Another stupid Asian girl thing, why are the guys expected to do the travel? Im sorry, but this is a two way process and do they never leave their postcode?

    So, we meet, well, let’s just say it was nothing like we had been on the phone in our while time communicating. I think we spent about 4 hours together and the entire time it felt like she was doing me a favour. I said on a couple of occasion if you’d rather go, I’m not what you expect then its cool, but no she wouldn’t have that either. The conversation was, well, a struggle as we talked about everything but all the stuff we had been talking about. Anyway, as our time came to an end, I asked if she wanted to carry on talking, wanted to meet again and she was adamant she did and asked “why wouldn’t she want to.” I had got her a little gift, not something I had ever done before, but as we had been getting on so well, though why not. So gave it to her once she said she was still interested.

    However, once I left, I had this feeling that I wouldn’t be hearing form her, or things weren’t going to be the same. On the way back, I never heard form, in fact didn’t hear form her until the next day at about 3 in the afternoon. Now Allah knws best but she says one of her family members fell ill as soon as she got home and she was in the hospital all night, you can’t really say much to that! So we carried on communicating, or I should say I did did but it wasn’t’’t the same, then she had a friend’s wedding that lasted a week and all I would get is a morning and nyte txt, that’s it, because she was busy with her mates wedding. Another side note, what is it with Asian girls and weddings, they seem to disappear during wedding times, really? So I assume they stop taking to their friends, stop going to work, stop having a life for a week? Now this went on for about 3 more weeks, the calls become non-existent, and basically she had me at the end of a string. It got to the point where I was asking her why she is still in contact with me, why she hasn’t told me she isn’t interested but she kept saying she was. This went on for about 4 weeks when in the end I said to her she was messing me about and I’m no longer hanging around I got abused for going on about marriage.

    Im the kinda person, who you tell something straight, I don’t care how harsh it is, but I respect honesty and straight forwardness, but when you mess some about, lead them on, don’t give them a reason, or answer, that’s what messes them up.

    To be fair, I should of known she was messing me about when she wouldn’t tell me her real name, to date I never knew what her real name was. All this form a 5 timer salah prayer lol so just remember, just because someone reads salah, doesn’t mean they are honest or in fact decent. Salah is a farz, it sthe optional things people do you should look out for.

    Needless to say, that was the last Asian girl I ever spoke to, and I am of Pakistani origi

    • luckysmith says:

      This was kind of eye opening, however I have some big discernible differences, I have been currently talking to this one girl (met her through muzmatch), we have been talking for almost three months now. Initially, we texted slowly a little bit more frequent than we are now. I’ve only ever talked to her 3x on the phone, mainly cause I prefer texting cause it doesnt require that much effort. And I have met her once with her wali there. The main differences I guess is she is 4 hours drive away. So I can’t meet her willy/nilly. Plus we met after 2 months of texting. But honestly its more because of schedule conflict I believe. After the meeting I kind of got a feeling it didin’t go well and there was some problems, you know gut feelings that you experienced. so any ways, we still text, probably 1 -3 texts a day. But we each make sure to send something to each other every day. She is asian (pakistani) and so am I, but honestly not sure where this will go and how it will end up. Maybe its all in my head but I seem to think were kind of in bermuda triangle, lost.

      Anyways more to answering your critique, I am a big proponent of matching effort. If she texts me alot, I’ll text her alot, if she doesnt responds to my text, I’ll take somewhat of a long time to respond to hers. If you feel that she’s stringing you along, you can do the same..two can play that game. But I think you got frustrated with her not moving it fast enough or getting into some comfort zone..because girls do get into comfort zones I think. Cause she was still saying she was interested but she wasn’t texting/talking alot. Which in my mind still means she’s interested. After a while you kind of run out of things to talk about.. At somepoint you know what qualities a person has and you need to move forward with either another meeting and or meeting her family. Small talk is just a waste of time. But if you get attatched to people quickly (like I do) you’ll constantly think about them and wonder what are they doing, why arent they responding which messes with you.

      This is why jealousy can also get into the way, most likely they are talking to multiple people and in the back of your mind your thinking, hey, I’m focusing on one person at a time but she might be talking to multiple guys, she might have found a better guy and is stringing me along. That is a high possibility, but you can do the same. White people date/talk to multiple people all the day.

      It’s funny, I always find myself logging on to muzmatch just to see what her last loggin time was, its creepy I know…but I guess I have trust issues with people on the internet.. go figure.

    • Brock says:

      It does feel sad. But I do agree with what you said: you should’ve picked up the hint.

      I don’t really know why she treaded back after meeting you. I feel the only time it’s difficult to decline someone is when you don’t like his/her looks. That’s why I believe both parties should exchange proper (no makeup, no ‘best angles’) photos first or should meet up without developing an attachment.

  23. shahid mussa says:

    Is anyone else bored of hearing the excuse I just haven’t found Mr Mrs right? That’s the biggest pile of bs I have got bored of hearing. It’s not the case it’s just we myself included are too fussy not prepared to give a person a chance. That special person may not have the ability to capture your attention in the first 5mins of meeting you. Your expectations could be too high. The list goes on and on….

  24. Shan says:

    Here’s my solution. Have like 10 backups. They all deserved to be played until they’re over 30 because they’re all so freaking disillusioned. I feel bad for those doctors that think they hit the jack pot. Well Dr.So&So, if that MD wasn’t attached to your bill fold, she’d be stroking someone else’s ego. Let’s be honest, once your passed 26, both genders turn into economic beings. So unless you marry your HS sweetheart, the love isn’t real. You’re better off going to Paki, or some rural town and changing an underprivileged girls life and her families. Many of the girls born and raised here, including my sister, aren’t cut out for it.

    I liked the comments of the millionaire above. I’m in the same boat, millionaire before 30, many of the girls we go for are materialistic. I down play my “resources” and you can see the trash that crawls away. Non muslim is the route to go. Sad.

    • Poppy says:

      There’s your issue. ‘Many of the girls we go for are materialistic’.

      I’ve also met some very well off men who think they are above lying (especially about their age!)

      Women also have issues finding genuinity.

    • Katey says:

      As a former non-Muslim who converted, let me tell you this, you’ll find as many materialistic non-Muslim women as Muslim women both in Asia (I grew up in Asia) and here in Europe (where I now live). They just express their materialism slightly differently but in essence they are cut from the same cloth.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      Two wrongs don’t make a right and you my brother are just as disillusioned. Elevate your mind/spirit. Stop trashing the “trash.” Is that a Prophetic example? I agree with you but there are MANY things better left unsaid. The fact that you are willing to publicly express such negativity is concerning. If you want better, be (do) better.

  25. Marina says:

    I was just in the process of making a muzmatch profile but these comments have scared me…think I’ll just wait till my parents take me to Pakistan lol
    On a serious note, it’s so sad to hear that men and women are struggling to find decent partners. May Allah swt make it easier for all of us.

    • Brock says:

      I honestly thought (and still think) it is a great way to meet someone.

      Unfortunately, (from my perspective) girls don’t even want to give a go. Like I would understand matching, talking and then not getting along, but just 1 or 2 out of a 100 trying to give it a go seems a bit toooo much.

      I would say you should try it. But don’t keep expectations high

  26. Max says:

    Loooool you gotta hear this I was on single muslim and I got a negative reaction so I did a fake profile and a fake picture to see if my asumption are try. ….They want unrealistic guys…so I had pictures of a model…so I used his pic for profile…I got postive responses like mad….If you got your not great looking but you want your spouse to be a model your buzzing….They all got negative reaction it was a fake profile

  27. Rif says:

    To the Admins. How about we put in mechanical measures to prevent one individual talking to multiple potentials as I don’t believe just talking about it will change much.
    For examples sake, an individual is only allowed to match and talk to 3 potentials once they have mutually agreed and seen pictures. If they decide not to progress for any reason (as you may agree are mostly illegitimate) then before severing contact they need to provide reasonable feedback to Admin.
    This will ensure they have good enough reason to stop contact. Human nature takes decades to change unless there are rules and guidelines helping them in the right direction.

  28. Soni says:

    Right where do i begin ?!? Having a failed marriage and alot of suffering behind me I finally decided to go out there and start living again and so I joined this meetup group to make friends only found out that its a place where most people are covertly looking for a marriage partner. I was approached by a guy who was nice and polite , someone who I got on with and we decided to keep in touch . Over the course of time we became inseparable whereby we met regularly and texted each other often. He talked constantly about getting married and his experiences and asked me in depth about my views on marriage etc. He gave me the impression that he was really interested in me and I became very inclined towards him given the time we shared with each other. Till ofcourse the day I asked him the dreaded question about about where this is going and he simply turned around and said im too old for him and that he doesnt know where this is going. I was shocked that he continued seeing me and leading me on the way he did , knowing all the while that he wasnt serious about me. I broke up with him only for him to ask for some time and me falling for it because by now I was too attached to him. A couple of weeks went past and when the topic of marriage came up he said he simply didtn want to talk to me about it.. I again broke up with him but he didnt stop calling me and telling me how much he cares for me . This cycle went on for another month or so till he decided that he now just wants to be ‘friends’ and all this time we spent wasnt really a relationship . I cannot tell you how this guy has toyed with my emotions and how used I feel. I’ve now had the strength to leave this relationship albeit with a dent in my confidence even though I have a high self worth and know that Im a good looking woman who can attract men even10 years younger than me .
    What I feel sad about is that on the other hand Ive had a gora atheist friend who has never once crossed the line with me and yet he wants to marry me without having any relationship. Makes me sad that women like myself want to marry a muslim man but somehow they’re just messing about with us . I hope there are some good muslim men out there but after my experience Im afraid to venture and put myself out there .

  29. Anu says:

    I think all of us have a story to share here. I am a practising Muslim and i wear hijab. I have tried my luck on a couple of websites but mostly ended up conversing with peverts. A lot of them claim to be Muslims yet talk so indecently. Once when I thought that I have finally met someone decent , something weird happened . The guy started asking me favours like if I could lend some money to his friends which was very odd. I dont have any issue supporting the one I get married to but not some random stranger.

    I am still searching for the one for me and InshAllah hope to find him soon.

    • Brock says:

      I never understood this. Forgive me for asking, but how difficult is it to figure out if a profile is fake? It doesn’t take much effort.

  30. Anon says:

    Trying to find a muslim woman on this app is like trying to find the needle in the haystack. For one, lets be honest these apps are run on attraction ONLY. So lets everyone blur are pictures. Because that makes sense? Then when matching a ‘blur’ and asking to see a photo you get blocked? The woman I have spoke to on here have been purely dull and boring. I get 1 word answers, no reply for days, despite the fact I try to ask witty questions and appear humerous at the same time. Being a white revert and even having some replies come in the form of ‘my family wouldnt let me marry a white man’ or ‘sorry im not attracted to white people’ its disgusting. For one I know you see I was white when you matched me, but is this what islam teaches now? I joined this religion because I thought it was free from racism and the worldly desires of the kufr. But all I see from the muslim girls in the UK is wanting a rich man to give them everything they want. Fair enough you can marry for wealth, but if you’re dull and boring and full of 1 word answers do you deserver a man with wealth? Tbh all this trying to find a wife stuff has put me off Islam, I seem to be more miserable now I am muslim than when I was not. So.. I dont know what the answer is.

  31. Mohammad says:

    Shush that was a relief. I almost developed a sort of inferiority complexity being on muzmatch.How ever what I realize now dating is just like any other buisness transaction. You have to be like apple . The key is to appear as hard to get expensive stuff not having the same degree of hardware levels.Dude you have to realize that even though these men and women are ” muslims” does not mean they are purely egalatarian beings and they want many stuff that are “physical” . Don’t think of this anything negative but comprehend the fact that everyone except Allah subhanawatal is in need of some stuff and many relations that are deemed holier than thou and ethereal are actually very earthly in nature .The special relation mentioned in quran of between spouses might be only accessible “AFTER” you have been married for a while.

  32. Ridzuan says:

    Is anyone else bored of hearing the excuse I just haven’t found Mr Mrs right? That’s the biggest pile of bs I have got bored of hearing. It’s not the case it’s just we myself included are too fussy not prepared to give a person a chance. That special person may not have the ability to capture your attention in the first 5mins of meeting you. Your expectations could be too high. The list goes on and on

  33. Ronin says:

    I don’t understand this narrative. How were those men “preying” on women if the said women engaged in consensual relationships? Are you suggesting that women are fragile beings incapable of making decisions, or are you suggesting that women are always innocent?

    We also need to address women leading men on. I clearly stated in my bio that I’m only interested in women of regular salat and zakat. “I try for fajr” isn’t good enough, I’m not your dad I ain’t taking you broken. So if you match me I expect you agree to that. But EVERY time I ask about this I get blocked the next day. Even without that matched women blocks randomly. Where is the common courtesy of saying “hey sorry I don’t think we’re a good match”??

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      I agree but it’s just another trial is men have to bear through. Unfortunately it is completely unrealistic at this point to expect to meet a mature, sensible, untainted, women that are strong in Deen, do regular salat, read Qur’an are beautiful and mind their manners…
      You may very well get ALL of those except one–you are blessed and should seek to repent and give praise everyday. More than like she will be deficient in at least 2 of the aforementioned areas–you should still repent and give praise everyday because you will still be fortunate. Do not nitpick as I’m certain you have your own weaknesses that your wife will undoubtedly have to deal with. My point is more than likely you will have an immature and naive women who fits the bill in Deen or you will find yourself a “mature” woman whom only came into that maturity through “experience” in which case it is incumbent upon you to investigate further to know her intimately, earn her trust and ensure you can trust her and inshallah those “experiences” were of halal nature or if they are not how you deal with that is your prerogative but please understand you/we cannot have it all.

      If she is immature, naive but pure in spirit and Deen it is YOUR job to nurture her light and teach her life (if you even have any life experiences yourself–NO UNI DOES NOT COUNT, NOR DOES WORKING AT YOUR PARENTS COMPANY!)

      If she is mature but maybe not the purest in spirit and Deen it is YOUR job to be a shining example of what Islam is and what she should strive to emulate (as you strive to emulate the Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi wa sallaam).

      Predominantly these are the only 2 scenarios you will find with women in general. Either way, from one to another: MAN UP!

      I am thoroughly irritated reading all of these comments from what I would deem to be whiny, girly-men. Lace up those boot straps and go find yourself a woman. Stop complaining. If she isn’t what you like, Mash’Allah. Tell her that respectfully and move on. If she blocks you for a reason or for no reason, Mash’Allah, they outnumber is 5:1. GO FIND ANOTHER! Quit licking flesh wounds, minimize and strengthen your egos brothers.

      METAPHOR / ANALOGY: Bodybuilders tend to have *large* puffy muscles and aren’t always as strong as they appear. Gymnasts tend to be *compact* with dense strong and powerful muscles.

      Make your egos LESS like Bodybuilders and MORE like gymnasts.

      As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu my Brothers and Sisters.

      • Ronin says:

        Wa ‘alaikum as-salam!

        Brother Harun, you’re the one who broadened the list of qualities and then ask I shouldn’t nitpick. I only mentioned “women of regular salat and zakat” and that is the base requirement of Islam. Mind you that a madhab (and many scholars of the other 3 too) doesn’t even consider a person muslim if s/he leaves these 2. If that’s called nitpicking nowadays then inshaaAllah I’ll die single fee sabilillah.

        I agree that it’s the husband’s job to show the light if the wife goes astray and vice versa. But it’s not my duty to go out of my way and actively take that burden as the “potential” is a nobody to me at this point.

        Also thank you for advice on egos.

      • Ronin says:

        again, to add the earlier post. I didn’t mean to whine; I don’t mind moving on. But as a lot of these posts go on and on about how men should behave, I merely suggested that women should learn the universal common courtesy of saying “bye” before leaving.

  34. Shaz says:

    I used to think like you. A part of me still does. Nice guys do finish last generally speaking. A nice guy with fun character still finishes last in his teens for the most part. Because while other guys are out behaving how they want, nice guys are being caring and considerate. That’s not enough when “girls just wana have fun”. It becomes secondary to that *spark*. As they get older they’d notice that the edgy guys aren’t the right kind they want to marry. So their expectations shift. Now here’s the problem today… the internet. Along with the illusion that there’s always something better out there. Before the internet we were limited to who we meet and they had all of our attention. Now with a single click we can *pass* and go onto the next. It’s a fast food approach to looking for love. Sure some requirements are pretty important but we barely give each other a chance from behind the screen. I’m guilty of this myself.

  35. Amir says:

    Nowadays Islamic values don’t mean much anymore! Marry any women from any religion as long as she’s willing to accept you for who you are & inshAllah she will convert. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t see much difference between non Muslim women & muslim women nowadays. I had, once, a “Muslim women” telling me that there was nothing in the Quran against wearing bikinis in public places… nowadays it’s all about choosing what suits them in Islam. Most profiles are all about “moderately” & seeking soulmates as in “Mr Perfect”, always looking for nicer, richer, taller, smarter, wiser, etc… all this looking like & following the kardashian… The paradox of choice, so many to choose from & they end up making no choice at all or usually the wrong one always based on the physical. Don’t worry brothers, never chase! What is meant for you, Allah will give it to you, in due time. Trust Him!

    • F says:

      I understand what you are saying are but there still are some girls who do not think like this. The description you have given sounds like they are delusional, even the worse Muslim knows that is forbidden.

  36. Peter says:

    Look I am not a muslim.. though if I met a woman I fell for, I would explore the possibilities. I find Muslim women not only beautiful… but spiritually and emotionally appealing.. they don’t get drunk, or swear or become aggressive. I like drama free people because that’s what I am
    Unfortunately because of my background, my chance of an equal relationship with a beautiful, inside and out Muslim lady is very slim. That in my view is sad

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      I’m going to be honest with you. If you’re not Muslim please leave our Muslim women alone. If you want to marry a Muslim women do her a favor a learn Islam BEFORE you ever speak to her. Husband’s have a role to fill. There’s no reason why the wife should be leading you, she can’t lead you in Salat, nor on Hajj nor Umrah, nor can she teach you Taqwa, etc. You may not marry a Muslim women because you are most likely leading a life based on your whims and emotion = you will mislead her from Islam.

      Become a Muslim first. Then seek marriage. You cannot do it (properly) in the reverse order. And the woman willing to ex-communicate her family and her Deen for you would only lead you to ruin (I would never trust any such woman, she would likely have ulterior motives).

      Take this wisdom in stride. I wish you the best.

      Salaam

  37. Sikandar says:

    Well said bro… I am experiencing the same thing… People changed a lot and it is really hard to find a good person as the good ones don’t trust our male fellows and this affects all the guys and then you have the majority who are looking for Brad Pitt or Salman Khan or guys looking for Aishwarya Rai or Angelina Jolie… goodness doesn’t matter anymore… Anyway may Allah giude us all to the right path and help everyone who is seeking a good spouse to find that one they deserve…

  38. Genuine lady says:

    Unfortunately people looking for a meaningful relationship and taking time to really know the other person while respecting Islamic rules are rare. May Allah guide all of us to what is best for us!

  39. Tenk says:

    Amazing article, and very true. I’ve come to the realisation that bad attitudes exist in both genders, but so do good ones.

  40. Medhi says:

    I think that this issue has a lot to do with the way women today selfishly attempt to find ‘better’ men while in any relationship with another man. They’re always hunting for someone with more money, a bigger house, a fancier car, taller, muscular, etc… it’s gotten to the point where some of our Muslim brothers are fed up with all of it and check out of trying to have a meaningful relationship and emulate the poor behaviors of those that have slighted them. I’m 21 years old and I’ve been told that I don’t make enough money, my apartment isn’t big enough, my car isn’t nice enough, I’m not tall tall(I’m 6’0). Then women will get upset when any criticism is laid upon them. I’ve almost never been asked about my personality or anything of that nature. For the most part, it’s all material questions. Whatever happened to courtesy or politeness? Why have our sisters forgotten the meaning of marriage and why have our brothers followed after a poor example?

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      Laa, this is highly inaccurate. You are simply not looking in the right places. Wisdom is understanding that while your experiences are true, to you, they are not (necessarily) foolproof. There are good ppl. There are bad ppl and there are most of us, in between. There are NO perfect ppl. But there are ppl who are perfect together.

      And even if you meant “some” or “in my experience” you said “all,” which is wrong. Have Sabr young man. What is meant to be will be. Make your istikarah, dua and practice Sabr.

      Also read all of my previous comments. It all applies to every man that has had a ‘hard time’ or negative experiences thus far.

      As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu

  41. Frederique says:

    Welcome to online dating and the 21st century bro!

  42. Doesnt Matter says:

    😨😨😨😨

  43. Mind Blown says:

    Am I the only one who doesnt see how ridiculously this article is written?? Are you kidding me??? Welcome to the 21st century my friend! So he’s shocked that ” What was once the ‘privilege’ for British South Asian women, had now extended to British South Asian men”!!!!! And that “Every ‘complaint’ that had been levied on my sisters had been levied onto me, and more. I am all for gender equality but this seemed to be regression.” ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME???? THIS IS A JOKE! So as long as it was being done to women like your sisters it was acceptable and expected but now you are meeting strong confidant women who know exactly what they are looking for and you have an ego problem????? Wow unbelievable. That probably explains why every girl you thought liked you decided not to carry on further. Women has just as much the right to choose whoever they want based on whatever criteria it is they are looking for because its a contract you plan to be binded by for the rest of your life! If they are materialistic so be it! Im sorry being “nice” is all great and dandy but it doesnt pay the bills nor would it help when you have 3 kids to feed and put through college education. If someone is looking for just “nice” then there is no problem with that but aren’t you judging for judging them for their checklist??? You just wrote you looking for and expecting “British Muslim women that were like my sisters: polite yet confident, friendly yet modest, sensible yet adventurous, but above all, well-mannered and decent. What do you mean by decent??? What is your definition of decent?? One who doesnt drink or smoke? Because then they would automatically be indecent?? Who are you to judge? And arent you looking for a certain checklist by saying friendly yet modest, polite yet confident etc etc…give me a freaking break. You are a hypocrite and I would NEVER date a man like you and I dont care how nice you think you are or how much money you had in the bank! Get your priorities and your life in check because women are just as strong, confident, successful, dominant and yes PICKY! Reality check! We do ask for a hundred pics just like guys so that we dont get cat fished like half the profiles on here are fake! And just like size matters to a lot of guys, it matters to a lot of girls too. Each is to their own so who cares?? Obv that person is not the one for you who you think is being superficial but beauty is in the eye of the beholder and i dont care what anyone says, on a dating site the first thing you see is a face and determine whether there is attraction then you read the profile. I have swiped left on guys who looked handsome and then had a profile like yours. Sorry keep it moving and dont waste my time is what I would say and you should be happy because you wont be wasting your time either. Ive also swiped right on guys who were not attractive at all but had an amazing profile so please, dont have your ego bruised or feel intimidated bc a girl didnt care to show interest after a a date or few. Maybe she thought you weren’t a nice guy that you think you are and you didnt fit the “decent” “modest”, “polite” profile that her brothers had.

    • Brock says:

      I think you yourself have taken everything to heart and are picking and choosing phrases from his article.
      The main focus of the article was the way they were acting. He mentions that they were getting along fine until suddenly they don’t and things like that.

      I do understand what you’re saying, but in no way is the OP wrong in what he’s saying.

      Yes girls are free to choose who they like, but they are traditionally meant to be in polite and all. Boys, on the other hand, have always had a bad reputation (and it’s not a thing to be proud of). That is what the OP is trying to stress on. Girls are losing what makes them ‘girls’, and there’s not much difference in behaviour between men and women now as it was earlier.

      It’s certainly not a good thing.
      Peace.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      BOOM! I will say, you flew off the handle a little there in the beginning but I appreciate you reigning it back in, for the closing. I 100% agree. I tell you, I found my wife on MuzMatch in 2weeks. The people I read complaining have their own problems and instead of admitting to them and fixing them they are projecting them onto others to justify their stagnation, naive views and/or egotistical natures. Yaa Rabb, it is ridiculous! Both sides blaming the other… Instead of focusing on the good! Mash’Allah.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      BOOM! I will say, you flew off the handle a little there in the beginning but I appreciate you reigning it back in, for the closing. I 100% agree. I tell you, I found my wife on MuzMatch in 2weeks. The people I read complaining have their own problems and instead of admitting to them and fixing them they are projecting them onto others to justify their stagnation. Yaa Rabb, it is ridiculous!

  44. Dr Humera Aziz says:

    I was rejected for walking too slow. Sometimes choices are determined by one’s past too as well the family which can’t be ignored.

  45. Marion Roturier says:

    What does it matter really. If you are too this or not enough that for someone it shows that they are looking for superficial things. Its just a massive filter that keeps you away from these kind of people really. Be confident with who you are and let the like-minded people come around. Who cares about the others.

  46. Sayyid says:

    If you are not a millionaire bodybuilder its over. And if you are a millionaire bodybuilder then you will have to deal with absurd requests like “he has to be Pakistani with UK passport speak punjabi and be 6feet tall to be accepted by my parents”.

    Its over.

    I’m a convert to Islam, i thought women in Islam were different. I was wrong. Women nowadays are freaking deluded Wether muslim or not. They all want the impossible and if they get it, theyll probably cheat on them or dump them at some point.

    Feminism has destroyed the nuclear family, and Muslims have not come unscathed from this. Its over.

    And dont think a non Muslim wife is the solution. Non Muslims are even worse. Dont even think about it unless you want to be used up, cheated on, and divorced raped in court for alimony.

    If you have the money and want a wife, youll have to go to the far east to pick up one. In the west they are all infected with feminism and will make your life miserable.

    • Ronin says:

      I would rather have a yahudi wife than a “muslim” one that doesn’t do the fardh salat and talks shit about zakat

    • Brock says:

      I agree. The root of the problem is feminism.
      Most women now want that ‘freedom’ with a “you do your own thing and I’ll do mine and we’ll be best friends, but a happy couple with equality” mentality.
      Not saying men are any better, but men have always had a relatively bad reputation. That, unfortunately, has extended to women. Unless you’re 6′ and are as big as the Rock, you shouldn’t expect much.

      But keep a good head on you and be patient. I hope you find the one you’re looking for.

  47. Kaz says:

    It’s really interesting reading all these comments majority of which are from the male perspective but I can say as a women I am finding it just as hard to find a decent guy. There have been few occasions where I have started to talk to a guy and it seems to be going well as we seem to share similar beliefs and outlook on life and move to the next stage of exchanging numbers. Now soon after the numbers are exchanged quite a few of the guys have asked for pictures to be sent which I completely do not get, especially when I have uploaded a few on the Muz app and also have agreed to meet in person as I believe it is the best way to find out if you are physically and mentally compatible with someone. I am a fairly straight forward person who does not wish to waste anyone’s time and wish guys would do the same. Their are some guys and girls on this app who are not interested in getting married but use it to pass time. I wish all those who are serious in trying to find their future partner the very best, InshaAllah we will all find that someone.

    • Ronin says:

      I can’t speak for those who wants photos. But to give them benefit of doubt, perhaps they want a full body portrait or something without makeup if you already don’t have them on the app

    • Brock says:

      Here’s to Ronin and the OP.
      I do agree with Kaz. Meeting up is the best way to go.
      But even Ronin is right. This might not apply to you (Kaz), but 99% of the girls post photos with loads of makeup on and choose their best angles (would also apply to men). This, perhaps, makes them want to be certain first.

      I do, however, think that pictures don’t tell the full picture and it is always better to meet up

  48. Sofia says:

    I agree! 100%. I think it’s our LACK of understanding & MATURITY of what a relationship is. We can read all the relationship books, talk to experts in the world and still can be clueless as to what makes a good relationship or how to go about in getting to know someone for the purpose of marriage. There’s a difference between theoretical knowledge and practical application of it. Same goes for relationships. Honestly, I feel MOST MEN are window shopping, especially in the online marriage apps. I don’t want to stereotype but I have heard countless stories about Men who just make EXCUSES and think of all the ways why a relationship won’t work instead of attempting to make things happen. Perhaps in their mind, they always think that they can FIND better than the one they “matched with” or “have started talking with” or “the one they have similar values and attraction with”. I would CAUTION this kind of mentality. Advice for all the brothers: When you have found someone good, don’t go looking for someone better, perhaps you mind END UP WITH WORSE. And yes, I would like to call out the sisters who are nitpicking on their part as well. Sisters have your standards but please be realistic and try to be understanding of the potential spouses’ situation. THANKFULLY, I’d like to say that we women are MUCH MORE MATURE and UNDERSTANDING than most of the MEN. YES, and that is a fact. Unfortunately, all men that I’ve come across are just little boys in grown adult bodies. They are just coward and immature (even though they may sound mature, their actions are VERY IMMATURE). But brothers, don’t worry, not every woman you will meet is like the previous one or will give you excuses. Honesty, empathetic and caring women, Yes, we DO EXIST. Advice for men: you need to be MORE PATIENT and learn to communicate like mature adults instead of acting like an immature child who wants to avoid things. BOTTOMLINE: If you want a woman of value, then act like a proper man.

    • Brock says:

      Dear. I believe you haven’t been on the other side 😀
      Women, unfortunately, are not the angels you think they are. As far as men in search of past-time are concerned: it is really not so difficult to figure out who’s fake through their profiles.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu Sister,

      Your bottom line is accurate but you are largely mistaken on the “maturity” topic. Women’s body’s mature faster than men. True. Psyche on the other hand is and always will be determined by life experiences. It’s not a cut/dry one way or another. THAT’S WHY YOU’RE HERE TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.

      Sheesh, so much judgement on the threads. Children, I tell you! Mash’Allah.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      *Wisdom, I said this to another brother above: YOUR experience is not the world’s fact. Please elevate yourself beyond it and treat everyone as they are, separate individuals.

  49. Far says:

    It certainly is a difficult process requiring alot of patience and prayer. I think the problem lies with both genders. As a divorced parent, looking for someone for my daughter, I’ve found that moms of prospects can be the most petty. These are so-called educated (Pakistani) women who ask if my daughter is fair (I ask them if their son is fair), if she is slim (does ur son have a six-pack?), what caste (like, really? Are we Hindu?), why I don’t have a Pakistani accent or speak urdu perfectly, getting all judgemental. Oh! And she must be problematic since her parents are divorced…. U know, broken home. I can guarantee that most profiles don’t make it past mom or sister (So Fobby!!) To these, I say ‘Alhamdulillah! Crisis averted.’

    Many young ‘adults’ these days have been aptly labelled as snowflakes… For the reasons stated in article and many comments. Rudeness, entitlement, etc. This is a problem stemming from upbringing and needs to be fixed. Parents need to parent.

    I really like that one can only message when there’s a match. Thank u Muzmatch, for that control and for not including a ‘friendship’ option. I had to deactivate my profile on another site as I was receiving indecent messages on a daily basis. No one bothers reading the profile, they just see the pic and click interested. Other sites also offer a ‘friendship’ option which just should not be available on a Muslim site. No wonder the ummah is suffering….
    A divorcee with kids is not what most men are looking for. I have yet to find someone who is serious about fulfilling the actual islamic duties of a husband and yes, that includes financial. Now, I dont want him to go out and buy me a top of the line Tesla (right away – jokes) and I don’t much care for Kate Spade, Michael Kors and the like – just the basics. We divorcees often become stats. As homemakers, we did not work full time and can have difficulty lifting ourselves up emotionally and financially due to many reasons, after a divorce. Men often see this as gold-digging and I guess it’s blatant in some cases but there are sincere women out there, including myself. As nurturers, most women will treat their man like a king if she is being treated with respect… It’s automatic, no begging required. I know there are women of a totally different breed out there. There are ones, however, that fear Allah.

    And… On the fuzzy pic front. I don’t agree with that as I don’t like to reject someone after seeing their pic. It’s not nice. I do care about the way I make people feel. Whether anyone likes to admit it or not, I believe most would like to be attracted to their partner, Yea? There is nothing wrong with that and if their character matches beauty (Yea, attraction should not be the deciding factor) then, that’s great! Men, do u wear niqab when u go out? Then why do that on a forum that is designed to aid u in finding ‘life partner’? lol. Men and women, please spare urself the disappoinment by allowing someone to make that decision to like or not to like right from the beginning. It will really spare ur feelings and increase ur confidence.

    And so…. The quest for a real, practicing man for my daughter and myself, continues…

    May u all find ur ideal match. Ameen

    • Brock says:

      I agree with you about many things, especially about blurry pictures. I hate to say no after matching and pics are revealed. Better to match with someone who would like the way one looks from the start.

      After one girl revealed her pics, she even asked me “you are going to unmatch now, aren’t you?”. Imagine how I must’ve felt.

      I do believe everyone is entitled to their wishes. I don’t think it’s a problem if someone wants someone fair, or slim etc. But yeah, it shouldn’t be asked like that and people should be reasonable.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu Sister Far,

      I just want to say: I understand your struggle and I am proud of you. You are yet another example of the beauty which MuzMatch exposed me too. You read/speak like a wonderful and mature Muslimah. I pray you find contentment in this life and happiness and purity in the next. Ameen!

  50. Ahmed16 says:

    Would you believe this happened to me only a week ago.

    Got talking, everything was going fine… until the pictures had been exchanged. At first she was all restricted in giving her opinion, let’s confirming my prejudice.

    Why not just be straight from the start, instead of taking and getting to know, be open and truthful from the start, don’t wait to base your feelings, based on how someone looks.

  51. Amber says:

    I recently read a very interesting psychology article, which discussed the results of a very large study in the US looking at what makes a happy marraige. It looked at couples who were happy in their marraige and couples who were unhappy. The results surprised me.
    The study showed that it didn’t much matter whether there was compatability, shared interests, shared values, similar jobs, earnings, similar cultures and backgrounds ie all of the things I regarded as important in a relationship.
    In fact, the study showed that it was the attitide of the woman and man and their behaviour towards each other that mattered. The happy couples were determined to make their marraige work. What mattered was how well they spoke to each other, had mutual respect and admiration for one another , and how they behaved towards each other.
    The unhappy couples did not do well in the attitude department.
    This ties in beautifully with our Islamic teachings of how a husband and wife should behave towards one another. In my experience , this is so true. If one cannot respect or admire their spouse or feel respected and admired, then that relationship will lead to unhappiness. It requires effort and a positive attitude to make a marriage work, which leads to a successful and happy marriage.
    Something to bear in mind, when looking for a partner. To ask yourself ..”do I respect and admire this man/woman”?

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      YES! EXACTLY AMBER!

      Our younger, less mature counterparts simply do not comprehend this!

      Mash’Allah

  52. Anonymous says:

    To the author, alhamdulillah, very well written article. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to put down your experiences and observations is such a thoughtful manner.
    After reading some of the many heartfelt, sobering, and witty comments here I wanted to offer some of my insights as a contribution to the discussions.

    To the men:
    We women are flawed, as are all human beings. Not every woman has the same flaws. That’s a good thing.
    🙂
    While certain behaviors and comments don’t have a real excuse. I thought it might be helpful to at least give some background as to what a girl might really be thinking.

    To the women:
    Not everything little thing a guy does “means” something. Sometimes the wrong outfit or a typo is just that. He could still have proper grammar and an outfit in his closet to dazzle you.

    Here is a “decoder” to help:
    1.) “I am not sure about his/her looks”
    Translation(s):
    He has bad hygiene (think hair washing, dental, dirty fingernails, unwashed/scruffy face)
    Her dressing style is not to my taste
    (Think ripped jeans, wearing flip flops with dress pants, wearing shorts)
    While a girl says it’s “looks” what she actually thinking is “is this his best effort in finding a wife?” “Will he no longer take care of himself for a physical perspective after marriage?”
    “Is he one of those guys that thinks it’s only important for a girl to look good but a guy and should do nothing”.
    “If this is his effort in taking care of himself, how will he take care of me?”

    If I guy says this he is thinking
    “ my family/friends will not think she is as pretty as my last rishta/last girlfriend”
    “My cousin got married last year and his wife is prettier than this girl. And since I am a doctor/lawyer/ceo I should have a wife that is even prettier.”
    (Let’s be honest men, most of the girls you reject based on looks you would have had no problem having a haram physical relationship with. So it’s not really about your own physical desires, but rather the mental game)
    “Is this her best effort in finding a husband?” “Will she take care of herself even less after marriage?”

    2.) He/she doesn’t respond to your text right away.
    Translation: most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. You need to check your personal ego at the door. That person has a life. They have to go to work, they have family commitments and they have social commitments. And you, mr/ms stranger that I just matched with a day ago….are exactly that….a STRANGER.
    Does that person want to get married? Of course. They would not be spending time on the app if they didn’t. So have some respect for that stranger you just matched with. Don’t go unmatching or blocking just because you didn’t get what you wanted when you wanted it. That behavior from any guy or girl is the equivalent of a 5 year old.
    Adults understand and have responsibilities.

  53. F says:

    Is it really that difficult to find someone decent, some what practicing, responsible and 5ft10 at least as I’m 5ft8. What pisses me off is that I have clearly stated in my profile I’m looking to get married asap and will only meet through parents and get on with it, as I am 29 now and where I’m from there are no Pakistanis which is a big problem.

  54. F says:

    Is it really that difficult to find someone decent, some what practicing, responsible and 5ft10 at least as I’m 5ft8. What pisses me off is that I have clearly stated in my profile I’m looking to get married asap and will only meet through parents and get on with it, as I am 29 now and where I’m from there are no Pakistanis which is a big problem. Nowadays guys are not guys apart from the few exceptions like the 90s generation; they want to have dates, get to know each other without family involvement, families have innovative practices, the whole tedious process is getting ridiculous and isn’t even within the Islamic boundaries. Nikah is becoming more difficult whilst Haram is easier.

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      I guarantee if you knocked down the height restriction to at least “match” your height you’d be surprised who you bump into.

      I understand preference but I can tell you, 100% there are more important things than height. I’m 5’9″. I will not detail anything else about myself. Because I am a Muslim, and with everything fard that is included with being Muslim plus some Sunnah, I know how to appreciate a good woman.

      I’m sure you’re a bright gal, you should’ve learned how genetic traits work and are passed on to children–here’s a reminder *it’s not 100%* Allah is the final judge. Your 7′ husband cannot guarantee you healthy, intelligent nor tall children. Not that that matters anyway, will he teach them Islam? Will you?

      Just something to keep in mind…

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu Sister F,

      Astagfirullah atheem forgive me, I forgot to salaam you before I started typing–I’ve been at it for about an hour now. But you are a different person and deserve the proper salutation!

  55. Loveistruth says:

    I think this article is so poignant and spot on. What has happened to the Muslim ummah where people are so ridiculously shallow and short sighted? Where people have complete disregard for common decency? What if this was your sister or your mother or your niece that someone was messing around with, wasting their time, stringing them along, ghosting them, not having the decency to just be honest and straightforward and upfront? Isn’t that what Islam is all about? It makes you think you’re better off single to be honest. And this is the paradox of our times. Its ironic how the first question I’ll get from a guy is “who do you live with” as if who I live with will determine my level of decency when AlhamdliAllah I have preserved my decency and self respect and they are all but. Judgmental short sighted people. InshAllah there is someone out there for us all to make us happy and if it’s not destined for us then AlhamdliAllah.

  56. T says:

    A range of diverse opinions .Interesting watching the demise of true Muslims .I never wanted anybody’s money or mind just their companionship.I think it’s time to give up as you can see from the many differing views on here there’s too much pride ,hatred and arrogance so maybe until we develop a conscience and consideration we should desert the marriage ambitions and remain half a Muslim .Im no angel but I had ambitions to find a soulmate that I could respect and grow with and find mutual empowerment in .Thats a stupid ambition though and it’s not to be .So lift your cups and raise your glass to the single life ,to the example we set for the reverts ,to the wasted and false pride we have because we happen to come from a certain bit of land ,or we think ourselves greater than our equals or we have the intelligence to wear a label or we were gifted with beauty which might be gone tomorrow.Well done all .Shame that many of us will have nobody to bury us properly.We will get a real council send off .Muslims today are shortsighted.I am just putting down what I feel I don’t hate ,begrudge or resent anyone I’m just sad at what we have become .We are living but we are dead or dying .Good luck to those of you that continue the search I hope you have more luck than me .We are killing each other from the inside and we were supposed to be the example

    • Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

      As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu my Brother/Sister T,

      I agree. It is sad. But don’t give up. There truly may be some ridha, contentment for you, inshallah!

      But the sentiment “I can do bad all on my own” ring ever true. I say for some it better to remain single but clearly you are in possession of maturity and foresight. Do yourself a favor and pay for the subscription for just a month, tailor your preferences and go buck wild GLOBALLY for 30 days straight! At least ≥50 profiles/day and I am certain you will be overwhelmed by the beauty of our Deen!

      We are out there. Also spread the word about MuzMatch, there are MILLIONS of Muslims who have never even heard of it but it is by far the best, most halal venue.

  57. Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

    As’Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu my dear Brothers and Sisters,

    I agree to the statements made in this article. I touched upon this on a previous article, the one “an open letter to single Asian/Arab women…” I think. It is saddening. I made it a point to NOT highlight the few, but consistent women that fell into this category, specifically *impatient and or presumptuous* women. BUT as I stated and wholly believe most of the women (in my adjusted preferences) were beautiful inside and out, rich with Ilm and with Deen. So I would suggest my brothers that while MuzMatch IS free that you at least for one month subscribe, tailor your preferences and spend at least an hour a day (I was at ≥50 profiles/day) and see just how many “Perfect Matches” there truly are in this world.

    Subhanallah, I believe you will be surprised. Sabr is key here though. We all have lives and none of them should be revolved around finding a partner, per se so don’t expect them all to get back to you immediately but… If I am any example they will!

    May Allah guide us all and grant us Jannah, Ameen!

  58. Sisu says:

    It’s great to see your perspective on Muslim dating. I’m new to online matchmaking. It feels a bit weird in most days, like going guy shopping…
    People can certainly be shallow. It’s sad to hear more stories of women being taken advantage of. There’s a lot of that going around. To me, I feel humans (Muslims and not) are losing the ‘getting -to-know-and-love-each-other skill’ and this has been mostly replaced by the ‘checklist mentality’. Also, due to bad experiences or bad things one hears, when we meet someone new, all our guards are up. It takes time to get to know someone well enough to know if one is compatible or not. We shouldn’t jump ton conclusions. We should give it more time.
    There’s never an excuse for rudeness. It is awkward when someone puts you off and you’re not sure how to extricate yourself from the conversation. You worry that if you say how you feel, the person will try to convince you otherwise and/or get defensive. And that’s the last thing you need. It’s a difficult place to be but meanness and rudeness is never the right approach to such a situation.

  59. Brock says:

    Well I can truly understand your position and I too think that thr Muslim community is in deep trouble. Men (those that are like that) in oir culture have always been the ones seen as choosy, indecent and immature, whereas women have been seen as innocent. But, times have changed and it is with great sadness that I have to say our women are no different.

    I too started this online search, since I didn’t really come across ‘the one’ through the usual means. I too, am short (I have never actually believed that I’m short, considering many Asian girls are shorter than I am, but being on this site has made me accept so), but I think I’m quite decent-looking, am still below 30, and hold a Master’s degree. I, like you say, am a ‘nice guy’: I have always talked to girls with respect and stay within limits. In fact, I get along with everyone very well.

    All that, however, seems useless to girls, as I am hardly able to receive a chat. Most of those who I do tend to match with never say a word, meaning that they manage to find someone ‘better’ to talk to.

    I’ve come across girls’ profiles that mention they want someone who can lift more weight than them in the gym (like seriously?), or that they don’t want the husband to send money home etc. There was this girl I started to talk to, and she started the chat asking if I was my height was really correct. I laughed it off, although I felt low on confidence. These, God forbid, are Muslim women of today. Many talk about equality in marriage, but I guess everybody forgets that, in Islam, husband and wife are not meant to be equal. This mentality has a lot to do with western influence. There are nice ones out there as well, but many (most) have pit their standards up high.

    Anyway, I wish and hope all Muslims get their halal wishes fulfilled. Ameen

  60. SA says:

    I was once matched with a woman, then after 5 min she unmatched and said that because were are too far from each other , then she blocked me !!. My photos were blurred , it was obvious from the beginning that I am from a far country and yet she matched !. I am sure that I were more handsome then the distance won’t matter.

    SubhanAllah

  61. Harun, 27 of MuzMatch says:

    ***ADMINS:***

    Can we get an “inbox” or some sort of notification system as I am sure I’m probably 1/1000 ppl that actually check back on articles to read comments. It would be nice to know whence we are being engaged in conversation.

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