Are we all cut from the same cloth? Why am I not married?

I have noticed the rise in articles, social media comments and blog posts categorising the ever-increasing number of single women over 28. Its seems that women are stereotyping women, telling us how women feel about the search for their soul mate and the “inevitable” outcome that they will be shopping for a kitten if they don’t find him.

 

However, I would like to ask other single women (and otherwise) to refrain from stereotyping us. Everyone has a path in life, an individual journey that is written for him or her. We live through our individual set of circumstances and deal with them in our individual ways. I am not career orientated and I do not think that men are seeking an unrealistic ideal. I am not concerned about my biological clock ticking and it does not phase me that my friends are all married. I just have not met my soul mate… Yet.

 

That being said, I am still left wondering why I am single. Why haven’t I found my perfect match at work or when I go out? It may be because I am part of the pre technology generation. I grew up having the best of both worlds where I played outside and I communicated through verbal speech. I was then introduced to technology Pre University, I had a mobile phone and I discovered MSN. I think I did quite well in adapting my innate skills to my acquired skills, or did I?! Online dating, oops, correction, online spouse searching is just so difficult. The obvious option would be to use my skills, send a few messages then arrange to speak on the phone or even meet but I can’t seem to get past the “hi, how was your day today?”  topic.

 

It might be because I am lost between the generation where arranged marriages were the norm and the generation where “love marriage” is not said with a whisper. Being coy comes naturally to me when I come across a single guy. I question myself, would it give off the wrong impression if I was to reciprocate a guys glances in my direction or the blatant car horn beep or to call a number left on my car because it’s just the confident girls who do that, right? Well, just last week a guy stopped his car near mine and asked for directions. I gave him the directions and started moving away. He then asked my name and what I do, mayday mayday runnnnnnn were clearly my thoughts because I just started walking away. He asked for my name again, ah second chance… I said he was too young for me and walked off. What was I thinking?! He was not too young, well at least he didn’t look it and he was making the effort. I might search the Internet for some Anti Coy lessons later.

 

When I turned 32 I came to the realisation that I do need to put myself out there (calm down, it’s a figure of speech). I joined muzmatch and after 5 months I decided it was time to actually be proactive so I did the unthinkable, I made my picture public! The fear that someone I know might see my picture has gone. It is no secret that I am searching and if they are on the app then they too are in the same position. It is the first ‘site’ I have come across where people are genuinely looking for marriage. Guys talk about what they are looking for and ask me what I want. More importantly, there was no assumption that I may be one of the married women using an alias to meet someone to help me pass some time.

 

I have also found that men are in the same position. The taboo around women being single after a certain age falls on them too but it is I who is guilty of doing this. I should not be asking the question “why are you 34 and not married?” I should know that he too is just on his path searching, waiting to come across his soul mate.

 

I am making a conscience effort to not have any preconceptions about men and I hope guys and women alike avoid having preconceptions of others. We are all different and looking for different things, let’s embrace this, live and let live and concentrate on our own lives and our own searches.

From a muzmatch user.

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13 Responses

  1. Private says:

    Thanks for writing about this. People need to understand that for some people marriages happen at a young age while for others it doesn’t. As simple as that 🙂

  2. MuslimMan says:

    “I am not concerned about my biological clock ticking”

    Any man with sense would be though.

  3. Ali says:

    The simple solution is to educate the women to start looking earlier rather than in their late 20s when they’re at the cusp of going over 30. Since thirty is a critical number, not just in our society, but across the board. This isn’t just a Muslim or south Asian issue.

    Why not teach the sisters and daughters to start looking and taking this matter seriously at a younger age. After all, it is half your deen. Technically you canto blame the kids, the parents are at fault for not properly making them aware. Education isn’t everything. It’s about balance. How glamorous is having a child that’s still single in their 40s but making a killing professionally.

    • Jamila says:

      Stereotyping people is one of the main causes of the stigma against single women AND men in their 30s

    • Hassan Abd Azeez says:

      Part of the solution would also be for those married Muslim sisters with a good husband and capacity to take more than one with should encourage their husband to take there friend whom they know is of good character as a wife, by so doing we help bring this gap of unmarried Muslim sisters. I know of 2 colleagues whose wife insisted on them taking a second wife and also matchmaking them with women they know.
      The rate of divorce, widowed and single Muslims is alarming we need to help each other.

  4. unconventional says:

    Thank you to the writer who shared this well-written piece. It’s really tough for women to use the ‘normal’ societal signals that people use to get into relationships when they have been taught to be modest all their lives. So we need more opportunities for men and women to meet. I wish people (like Ali) realised that no matter how young people start thinking about marriage sometimes they lead an unconventional life that prevents them from being able to consider marriage (family/health problems).

  5. Jamila says:

    Both men and women have a biological clock.
    I am more concerned with the will of Allah and that which is written for me

  6. Anon says:

    Hi Jamila,

    I really enjoyed reading that and I think you’re great.

    So, how do I find you? 🙂

  7. Ms not ok says:

    I don’t agree, why should women be looking? I believe it’s parents responsibility to find the suitable match for them

  8. Khadija says:

    Salaamz

    When will the new app be available?

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