A letter to all the 30+ Single Asian/Arab Guys

Dear >30 year old Single Asian/Arab Guy,

I have been matchmaking for the past three years to help diminish the ever increasing number of 30-something year old singletons. I do this on a voluntary basis in the little spare time that I have as a working mum of two and for the most part I find it rewarding.

Recently, I have been contacted by several of you asking for introductions to a potential partner. I can see that you’re all reasonably attractive high achievers with great careers and pleasant manners. A promising start! I move on to find out more about your hobbies – you are well travelled, charitable, sporty and creative. I proceed to ask what you are looking for in a spouse. You respond to tell me that you are searching for someone who is intelligent, possesses a great sense of humour and most importantly somebody who is spiritual. Bingo! This will be easy!

Over the past few weeks, I have spent hours of exchanges attempting to find you suitable matches; women with whom you can build a meaningful relationship. Some of these single women have included:

– a multi award winning writer for one of the world’s largest news corps
– an award winning journalist often featured on major news channels
– a surgeon who has performed operations across the world on a voluntary basis as an act of charity
– a high flying lawyer whose looks rival that of a Bollywood actress

I have been extremely disappointed to find that ALL of the above women have been rejected because you’ve deemed them ‘too old’.This is despite the fact that they’re all at least 5 years younger than you, or at the very most, the same age as you. Astonishingly, one of you (yes, you- the forty two year old with the grey hair ), was even bold enough to ask if I could ‘guarantee’ that the lady in question was fertile. Well no. I can’t. In the same way that these single girls are NOT expecting me to provide them with your recent sperm count.

Another one of you expressed worries about the risk of any future children born to an ‘older woman’ having Down’s Syndrome. Ok, as a qualified GP, I can see that that’s a legitimate concern. Sort of. But let’s go on a fact finding mission together and we’ll soon discover that the risk of a 35 year old woman conceiving a child with Downs Syndrome is 0.4%. To put it another way, there is a 99.6% chance that the child will be born WITHOUT Downs Syndrome. 0.4%, 0.4%!! Yet you still feel that the odds are too high. What happened to balance and perspective? Which leads me nicely on to my next point; physical attraction.

Almost all of you have expressed that you would like to marry someone attractive. Of course you would; there is no shame in admitting that and I value your honesty. However, in my experience, many of you are oblivious of your own shortcomings in the looks department and I have a sneaky suspicion you may have well and truly fallen off the self awareness horse. Conventional wisdom states that beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder, but it seems to me that some of you beholders are blind when looking at your own reflections. So, just to be perfectly clear- no, that isn’t George Clooney staring back at you. If you want to marry a beautiful woman then please make an effort to make the very most of your own looks.

Physical attraction is a luxury that you may choose to wait for. You may even choose to be single forever rather than marry someone you aren’t physically attracted to. Good luck with that. Just don’t prioritise looks over character. Of course,you may insist on both and be willing to die single, or you may have to choose. My advice: choose character. You will eventually find true beauty shapes your perception from the inside out.

There is a genuine crisis happening right under our noses, where amazingly talented single women are being overlooked because of your irrational fears and increasing list of demands. It’s time to ask yourself if it really is her age that you fear, or rather the fact that you may feel threatened by a woman who has achieved great things in life and is your intellectual equal.
Or perhaps it’s neither and marriage simply isn’t for you.

So, when you’re next warming up your bowl of curry for one, made lovingly by your mother, please take a moment to reflect (and in some instances LITERALLY reflect) on why you’re truly single. It’s not because there is a global shortage of ‘good women’, but because you have a completely unrealistic idea of what you want in a wife.

Kind regards,

Farah Kausar
Voluntary matchmaker & wife of brilliant man

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13 Responses

  1. Abdullah says:

    Yeah its all us guys’ fault, it’s not like the women here also have ridiculously unrealistic expectations and stupidly high opinions of themselves at all

  2. Abdullah says:

    Also I feel as if all of these high fliers want similarly high flying men. In which case, they are looking in the wrong place, they should be looking in the clouds.

    I think it’s quickly forgotten that sneering pride is the defining attribute of none other than Iblis. Unfortunately we no longer know better.

  3. Teejay says:

    Let’s not start off with the blame game!
    It’s basically the lifestyle we are living where these present day individuals are independent and in charge of the choices they want to make culturing into these subcultures of selective preference, for which none would compromise.

    It’s funny though, how men still fish for the trophy wives!

  4. Naz says:

    Im lol`ing at the comment above/below mine (no clue where mine will appear). Its true that women have unrealistic expectations as well. However, the author is merely expressing what she has witnessed from her experiences. Based on what ive realised in the past 3 years, i may have to agree with her on this. In conclusion, we should all be a little more open-minded really. Actually…let me add a bit more…40+ year old uncles should really look for someone like-minded instead of targeting 20~ year olds. Im sorry i have to say this but this is how i feel. I dont reject anyone based on their age but when i see a clear generation gap (thinking, beliefs, etc) and when i know theyre looking for younger women for shallow reasons, thats when it bothers me. Its hard enough for single women in that age range to find someone. I have to stand for those women! Young women, Boycott older men!!! LOL just kidding!!!!. Sorry if my humors a bit much! Peace!

  5. Adil Ahsan says:

    Well, the simple solution for this is that we have moved away from the concept of plural marriages. Those women who are married become selfish and are not willing to share their husbands, society frowns upon men who enter into polygamous relationship. I had a sheikh once say that we would be questioned on the day of judgement that why did we not support more than one women who were single and needed a companion, lover, husband who could take care of their physical and financial needs.

    So this problem is created by women and men are in no way to be blamed for this situation.

  6. Naeem says:

    I think there is some truth to what you say in the article. The dynamics of finding a partner a really broad and complex.
    I would be keen for you to find me a partner. I’m a practising quafield professional. But just want someone who I get on with. That’s what it boils down too ultimately.

  7. M says:

    Dear Farah,

    I found your letter/blog fascinating, amusing and a little shocking. I have to say you must be coming across some serious bozos if you are experiencing men asking for ridiculous things such as whether someone is fertile or whether they’re at risk of having children with Down’s syndrome! These blokes must really have some archaic attitudes towards relationships/marriage.

    Where are all these fabulous women you talk about? I’d love to find one again. I don’t care whether woman is even a year older than me. I am definitely for personality and character and I believe women should do the same when looking for their partners. And in terms of attraction, many of us may not be George Clooney but we’re not Jack Black either. Looks will always play an important part, however I definitely agree about being realistic.

    I think you might have come across too many deluded, backward thinking Asian men. Because a lot of us out there are simply looking for someone who we find attractive, compatible and with the same outlook.

    I agree, there is a genuine crisis occurring under our noses. But it isn’t just great women out there being overlooked. There are also genuine, intelligent, open minded men out there and lot of you women probably aren’t aware of us.

    By the way, your closing comment was quite presumptuous (although I can see why you said it). But I’m a bloke that cooks that bowl of curry for my mum and have done so since I was in my early 20’s..

    Regards

    M

  8. Has says:

    Sister Farah, your inability to find suitable matches or (alternatively) find suitable matches but not having the required mediation skills to explain to BOTH brothers AND (your o so perfect) sisters during potential conflicts, reveals your post as nothing more than a hissy fit! One which smacks of a lack of integrity, patience and most of all, KNOWLEDGE of the deen in relation to the QADR of Allah! Therefore, do yourself a favor, stop volunteering (Alhamdullillah you’re not being paid!) And let people with age / experience and wisdom / knowledge handle these life long commitments. Thanks for your rant, but NO THANKS!

  9. Has says:

    Furthermore, SHAME on you for ending your hissy fit with volunteer match maker and wife of a brilliant man?! Do you not know the hadith, that one is not a Muslim who didn’t wish for their brother (and sisters) what they wish for themselves?! It proves my point that you don’t have the requirements to do what you have endeavoured regardless of your intentions. Allah warns those in the Qur’an who intend to do good but do not achieve it. I hope you take this advice, although harsh, because I have seen too many like yourself wreck potential marriages with your personal advice which brings about more ham than good. How do I know your like this? We judge you by your actions and your post, the manner of it’s writing lacking insight and full of gender bias proves your guilt!

  10. Abdullah says:

    Notice how this article is directed towards (South East) Asian and (Middle East Asian) Arab guys. Black guys typically don’t have this problem. Perhaps south and middle east asian women should stop being so racist, sticking only to their kith and kin, and consider marrying blacks instead?

    Problem solved.

  11. King says:

    I just have a simple question to men and women here why is Marriage success rate in the west extremely low… Marriage success rate in Pakistan , india , Bangladesh etc extremely high… Why??

  12. Anna says:

    It’s funny how most of the comments and responses are from men who are annoyed that you have basically pointed out the truth. 40 year old men with beer bellies should not be running after 25 year old models. I’m pretty sure women in their 40s/50s would also prefer to be with younger fit men but they usually have too much shame to carry this out.

    Most importantly we should remember that our beloved prophet’s wife, first woman to convert to Islam and all round amazing woman Khadija was twice his age and in her 40s.

  13. LadyinBlue says:

    Assalamuallaikum….

    Well, sister, thank you for sharing ur point of view. I found it very honest and true, even though it might be very subjective too. It’s not easy to be a matchmaker… Can’t be more agree.. Because every individual expectations are different… Don’t torture yourself, if they can’t found their dreams wife, it’s absolutely not your fault. It’s seems that you trying to giving a good advice to brothers here so they won’t missed the gems in front of them. But once again sister, take it easy, don’t stress too much. Relationship is builded by two persons who willing to be together, not because of they have no chance to get a better one. I’m 24 years old right now, sadly I have no parents. Even though I’m young, I’m not flashy with a young and successfull man, but I also don’t mind to get a husband whom twice my ages, as long as he also willing to accepting/loving/take care of me just the way I am. And I willing to love him just the way he is. Remember that women aged faster.So, I m so sorry to say that an older man could get a young woman too. It’s absolutely not only about the material and age matters. Anyway, it’s about what the hearts want. You win some then u loose some… Nothing’s perfect. But if we willing to accept, that imperfections might be the half of imperfection’spuzzle of our live that will lead us to be a better person and makes my life so complete… Wish my (future)husband found me very soon (InsyaAllah)

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