No one talks about the Single Muslim mums looking to remarry?

When Looking for a potential spouse there is much to consider especially if you are a single mum, but one thing I never thought I would have to think about was asking a man if he could think as a father rather than as an individual.  Call me naive, but I automatically assumed that he would have thought about the sacrifices he would have to make as a father and also would have carefully thought things through.  Maybe it’s just in my experience, but it seems men are somewhat clueless as to the degree of responsibility they face if they choose to marry a single mum.  When they go to such intimate lengths to do their research on a car, check it out, make sure its worthy enough to own and don’t judge it on appearance alone, I dare say I had hoped they would apply the same formula for marriage; obviously not.  They see someone they like and try to squash them into a Stepford Wife mould; they want their wife to wrap her and her children’s lives around them instead of doing it the other way around.  Is this fair? Is this what we have to expect now as single mums?

I am all for doing things in the correct Islamic manner, but I’ll admit I’m a bit fuzzy on where it is stated that a woman should be happy to shift her children into a situation where they will be worse off just because the guy got a job in Saudi and decided he had no problem living in a studio flat.  Studio flat? with two kids, one a girl who is on the verge of puberty?!  The man still thinks of his own desires and aspirations and not of the needs of the children.  It’s true, money isn’t everything and rizq IS already written, but who willingly puts themselves into a worse financial situation if they can help it in the hope that it will get better?  Perhaps it is my eeman that is low but I would have trouble doing this; call me selfish, but my children have already lost so much and I simply cannot do that to them, is that really a wrong thing to do?  Many brothers mashallah, have this desire to get to the Middle East no matter what, they forget that it isn’t going to be easy.  They forget that you wont necessarily get the same creature comforts guaranteed as you do here, they forget you have to pay for medical care and school fees and that some foods like fish (in Dubai) is super expensive.  I have lived in Dubai, I know a little of what life can be like there if you aren’t one of the rich ones.  Thinking its all cushty just because your job as an ESL teacher provides you with accommodation, is naive.  Those jobs are paid less than others and the accommodation will reflect this; top schools which pay the best, demand the best.  You may be putting in greater hours over there, and if you are used to luxuries here, going without them for less money may not make you as happy as you once were just because you are in Saudi.  If men say that this is NOT  the case then every woman has the right to expect her man to never moan or complain!  The brothers tell you that you have no faith and should leave it up to Allah swt, but couldn’t we say the same back to them? “Let’s stay here and raise our kids to be the best Muslims we can be and leave it up to Allah”??

My point is, I wonder if these men would say the same if it was their own children’s lives they were talking about.  Is it just because the children are ours and not theirs that they don’t really care if the children have to suffer somewhat?  I know many people will say “no way!” but let’s face it, you have to build up the love and many men don’t know if they will be able to love a woman’s children like their own.  This saddens me because I think that subhanallah this is just ANOTHER one of the sacrifices that single mums have to make as divorced/widowed mums.  Many women would refuse a suitor like this but some would consider him, maybe because they are told no-one else will want them so they should take whatever they can get.  The point is though, it would be a tough decision to make and one that would hurt me a lot as a mother; take away from the kids to gain a husband and father for them?

It shouldn’t have to be this way, but it is.  In Islam we are told to look at a person’s character and deen and to marry for that rather than for other things.  It’s true, attraction is important, but whereas us single mums are told that we can’t have pick of the bunch so we should grab any decent guy regardless of looks; men still think that attraction = trying to get the ‘America’s next top model’ hijabi.  Quite a few brothers have told me that they met really pious sisters but turned them down as they weren’t ‘feeling her’ in favour of a gobby hijabi whose eeman and deen is worse with a pretty face.  Come on brothers – do the math!  It’s not fair on anyone to expect this sister to suddenly fix up and change when you say so!  Women are told not to try and change the man they married so why do men??  Encouraging someone to better their character for the sake of Allah swt is one thing, but having a go at her for not being the perfect Muslimah when that didn’t bother you when you married her- is wrong.  We should take people as they stand now, if you can handle them and are happy with their character then so be it, but if your are not happy then move on.  Where is your faith now brothers, don’t you think you will find another pretty sister with all the right characteristics?!!  It’s NOT enough of a justification saying men are weak because sometimes it ends up becoming an excuse!

It’s amazing the amount of brothers I have spoken to that had no clue whatsoever what it meant to be a dad.  Granted, they wont know it all but if you tell a guy you don’t have anyone to leave your children with, why do they hold it against you when you say you can’t dump your kids somewhere to go on a honeymoon?!  Some men think that they can still lead the same lives they had before, they don’t understand that kids don’t get that they wont be loved straight away; if they are craving a father figure they may latch onto the guy immediately.  They wont know that their step-dad needs time; HE needs to be sensitive to this.  You can’t just have couple time to be intimate whenever you want during the day if you have kids, you can’t expect the kids to watch a movie whilst you get jiggy with it and you can’t expect to swan off for dinner alone whenever you want if you have no babysitter!!  It’s funny, as soon as you tell a man these things his expression drops!  They are in it for the reward of marrying a divorcee/widow but they forget that nothing comes easy and we are all tested.  I think some brothers honestly think being a step-dad only means financially providing for the kids and taking them to the Masjid.  What about being a role model and showing kids by example how to behave?  What about giving up those bad habits and watching what you say?  What about playing with them and doing ‘dad stuff’ ?  What about remembering that the kids had a life before you and a routine and that if anything its YOU coming into THEIR family and therefore it’s YOU who somewhat has to adjust?  It’s hard for children to adjust to a new dad especially if they still maintain ties with their old one, how are YOU going to tackle that?  Why should it be the woman’s responsibility to fix everything just because the kids are hers?  You don’t work as a manager for a company and expect the CEO to handle everything do you, or else what’s the point of there being a manager?!

Some men just assume their mothers will watch their step-kids automatically from day 1.  Do these men not understand how delicate the relationship will be in the beginning for everyone –  finding their feet?  Do they not understand that this is one of the biggest fears a single mother has?  Do they really think she will be happy to leave her children with strangers just because they are now her in-laws?  You have to build the trust and love and respect, you can’t demand it straight away.

A few home truths for the brothers out there:

  • Single mums are pickier than single women
  • we may have ‘baggage’ but we also have experience, wisdom and maturity that not many single women will have
  • you may say it’s easier for you to remarry than us but it is ALLAH who decides so watch your arrogance!
  • we understand sacrifice better than any other single woman
  • we may be ‘second-hand’ but if we had to choose between a man and our kids, our kids would ALWAYS come first
  • we may want marriage, but NOT at the expense of making our childrens’ lives worse
  • don’t mention faith to us because it is faith ALONE that has got us as far as we have come!
  • And to all the ignorant brothers who say it is easy to sit at home on the dole and be ‘taken care of’ by the government, don’t forget: we cook, we clean, we take our kids to school/dr’s appointments/activities, we carry heavy shopping ,we pay our bills and manage our finances, we do basic DIY, we parent our kids
Source article: http://singlemuslimmums.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/potential-marriage-partners/

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35 Responses

  1. Kashif says:

    I think it’s a beautifully written article and requires positive feedback and encouragement. Yes, being a single dad raising kids I have somewhat same fears as single moms with kids. I feel men can be blamed because of their stereotypical mind set that they raise money to run the house therefore they have played their major part of obligation which is completely not acceptable. I was hoping that this was not prevailing in UK and men there would me more helpful and emotionally intelligent. I know that despite now being separated from my wife what she does for my daughter I cannot do the same for her even though I am above the average dad according to my environment & culture.
    Having kids enter your life from another marriage definitely requires big heart but it all boils down to basic justice and fairness. If one can love kids as kids, God’s beautiful creation, show tolerance and give time for love and affection to nurture, it can be a great reward when one day these kids will call you Dad or it’s equivalent.
    The world we live in is getting complicated by the day but following the basic principles of truthfulness, fairness, love and striving to becoming a better person can not only help you living a fulfilling life but helping others achieve greatness as well.

  2. shazia hussain says:

    it is very hard to find the right person when you are single mum, i have been looking and not find anyone as yet. the sites i have been on want women either one or no kids at all. it is comlipcated for dads too people are easyly put off

    • Muhammad Abdullah Hassan says:

      Ya akhti you should look for Muslim reverts like myself we are the TRUE muslims. Wa Allahi a true Muslim does not care if your old or if your young as long as it is in the guidelines of the sunnah he will marry you if he wants. I am a new Muslim revert and I am shocked by this that these mothers are having this problem. Allah uma jahannam oh allah give all these women husband who truly fear Allah oh Allah forgive us our sins oh Allah send blessing and prayers on the Prophet Muhammad (S)

      • Sarah says:

        Ma sha Allah

      • Mo Said says:

        All single mothers holding sole custody of their children rather Muslim or not should remain single until their children are of age. Any single mother that is Muslim should not remarry if she has a daughter and wants to raise that daughter, as it is clear that she must give up that child to her family or the father. In fact, the proper way is for all of her children to be given up. This has been ruled on by the ulema countless times. Any other course of action or words are from jahiliyyah of converts or defiance of rasolullah (saw). Upon a divorce or widowhood, a woman should return to her father’s house, this is clear from the sunnah. Any woman coming to the west from an Islamic country should imediately return home. Any who are born in the west must return to their family’s home. Their is no dispute in this, and if she states that she cannot then we see that a lack of faith exists in her family which points to the bad decisions in the first place. It is Allah’s testing of her that places this burden upon her.

        Sisters who make the comment of obtaining a new husband to help with the children of her previous husband have very weak deen. It is clear that children belong to their fathers and his kin. A mother can not transfer this burden onto another man and his kin, that is clear from the the Quran and sunnah. Any other words or deeds lead to the hell-fire. It is as if she is stealing from his kin and his offspring when she states that she wants one man to spend of his family’s rewards on the corruption of another man and her family, and it is a form of fraud and debauchery, turning the man into a despised spend-thrift. It is truly nothing but the selling of something known to be defective.

        Only those children whose fathers have died are eligible to be brought into another man’s home, as orphans to be fostered. Those with live fathers belong as a blessing and burden to their fathers. That is the end of it, Muslim sisters and their family’s need to follow their deen, as this is leading us to serious issues in the Muslim community of the west. Many are seeking to emulate the rejectors fo faith, stating what they do when we see the outcome of their mentality. Your burdens Allah has placed on you for a reason.

        Even further, a wife should not bring burdens upon her new husband, as she is a burden herself having the right to be cared for, she can not bring another man’s burden into a real relationship. She herself would never allow her son to marry a woman who has such burdens, so it is clear that any that posits such point is a hated hypocrite.

        Any argument against clear evidence shows that sedition to that which was revealed and ill-intent upon the community is sought.

    • Imran patel says:

      Hey i am a married man for over 15 years live in uk. I have no kids my wife finding it much hard to have kids. So for this reason i am looking for a single mother with kids i would love to marry a women with a famlies and try to help her out with her kids and make them feel much content that there are nice men outside who needs a famlies

      • stef says:

        Salam brother make ur dua.
        There is a clinic for acupuncture in solihull birmingham that has helped mang people to get pregnant like myself by the will of allah . Any more details needed contact me zakarya1702@gmail.com

  3. shaazia says:

    So well said and written, we may be second hand but we are not desperate . We still can say we will wait for the perfect guy . Im a single mum with 2 kids . I would like to get some sort of groups running for single mums so that we can get together and support each other and just be happy hanging out here and there. Let me know if amybody is interested .

    • Imran patel says:

      Hey i am a married man for over 15 years live in uk. I have no kids my wife finding it much hard to have kids. So for this reason i am looking for a single mother with kids i would love to marry a women with a famlies and try to help her out with her kids and make them feel much content that there are nice men outside who needs a famlies

      Reply

    • farah says:

      hi om farah i recently separate from my husband and feel the same single muslim sister meeting up support

    • Naheed Aslam says:

      Very interested. All my friends are in loving marriages and no one underst and the troubles is single mums have to go through and how we are looked down upon. Get in touch

  4. Muhammad Abdullah Hassan says:

    I truly pray to the almighty Allah that Allah fixes your situation and gives you all husbands. I myself am a single Muslim new revert in America and take islam VERY seriously and I know the rules. People don’t follow the rules anymore. They don’t know the sunnah. Did you know the prophet made it halal for his ummah to marry older women, divorced, widowed and younger??? This is the true sunnah but unfortunately muslims don’t REALISE that:( I myself would be very happy to marry any Muslim whether she is a mother or widowed or single because this is the sunnah and I love it. Please reply to this message at jtbooker1@yahoo.com

  5. Muhammad Abdullah Hassan says:

    Also a single one with no kids

    • Rihanna says:

      salaam
      as with many, I am sure brothers have the best of intentions. Unfortunately, many can talk the talk but only a handful can actually walk the walk.

      I am a 50 year old divorcee with 4 children under the age of 17 years old. Realistically, how many brothers do you know would even consider such a match!
      Conversely, I would never consider a brother under the age of 47/48 years. I already have 4 children I really don’t want another one!
      Insh’allah whatever Allah (swt) wills will happen.

  6. Rizwana says:

    Mashallah this article looks at the reality behind close doors of a single mother.i I myself am a single mother and have one child. I have had few marriage proposals and it really saddens me to think there are single fathers who would expect me and my daughter to live with their families in a different city. Do you think this brother had any of the thought processes as discussed in the article? No absolutely not!
    It would be good to set up and engage in a group for us single Muslim mums.

  7. umm ilyas says:

    Alhamdulillah I found this article.
    I thought I was raising my standards too high after being a single mom.
    Sometime last year I started opening my mind into the idea of getting married again so I started making dua. He showed me two brothers at once who were interested but I started wondering why they’d be interested without making any attempt in getting to know me and especially my little one…then the puzzles come together.

    I don’t know how it is with single father’s situation exactly when it comes to choosing a step-mom for their child, but for us, single moms, it is definitely more than financial security and taking our sons to the masjid.
    Alhamdulillah whenever possible going to the masjid with my 5 y.o little guy, he:d sit with me and encourage him to go the front row to pray. The other day he told me he wanted to sit with the men during khutbah, so I let him.

    My point is, brothers, we can do it ourselves better with or without you but we want our children to have a sense of “family” that they feel secure in, if you could just open up your hearts and minds to accept, raise and treat our children the way you want us to do with yours…..that’s more rizq and blessing than what money is.

  8. Misbah says:

    Barakhallahu feekum for all the positive feedback. For any single mothers wanting to meet other single mothers please join us on Facebook: SingleMuslimMums. You can also check out my blog: singlemuslimmums.wordpress.com

  9. Mahfuz says:

    i didnt notice the entire Uk muslim population applied for jobs in saudi?! the bullet points were good but the rest is just her fears playing up, she needs to look for a youth worker, soccer coach or primary school teacher and she will be fine. her in laws will be fine, that’s if the guy has em many marsee’s die of hart attack!!

  10. jk says:

    Beautiful article.. Alhamdulillah.. Its so true… I’ve been trying to re-marry as well but its just finding a good muslim brother that will accept your kids and if they do will they really treat your kids like their own?? A good practising brother will for sure.. But they are so hard to find.. I myself have unfortunately had two failed marriages and I have two kids from both marriages.. Who will marry me??? Its hard.. Being a single mum is hard work with no support at all from anyone… But I know that what’s written for me will happen insha’Allah..

  11. Sulaiman says:

    I’m married but living unhappy life. I’m 38 . I’m looking to get married to practising Muslima or revert inshallah I live in London I have a job and big family mashullah

  12. farah says:

    I too in last month left my husband i have 3 children 4 and 3 daughters and 14 and half month son. Becoming a single parent is not a choice its something thats forced onto us by our spouses for whatever reason. The path of being a single parent no something to be taken easily its scary but sometimes the alternative is so bad you have no choice. But keep faith in Allah always read your salah turn cry to him whatever happens in life he does whats best for us and if your pious man or woman he will do best for you take away bad and replace with good or better than you had inshallah always have faith. Yes majority of brother wont marry a woman above late 20s divorced widowed and single mum they cant evej contemplate the idea. But think before you judge you dont know what gappened hetween husband and wife all only knows mayb she is innocent and single parent or divorcee forced upon her via a bad spouse.Think dont judge. Everyone deserved marriage love and children too.

  13. Abu abdullaah says:

    I wonder if the single mothers are willing to except polygamy???

  14. riz says:

    Would solve it, but alas I think not, otherwise we’d not be here…it’s one thing to mention what Islam states as the article above and people’s comments show, yet completely another to follow your religion which explicitly allows this.

  15. Shag says:

    Nice article.. But no use bcoz todays mens dun want wife wid kids.. I have gone through many mens proposal saying we dun want ur daughter.. Anyways may Allah bless n gv ajar to single moms outder. AMEEN. Plz pray for me too

  16. Faith says:

    There are a lot of men out there who think a divorced woman is desperate and will put up with anything just to be with a man. I would rather be alone than made to feel like used goods and worthless. I know my worth and no man who cannot respect me and love me for who I am will ever have me, inshaAllah. We deserve every bit of respect and dignity that any single muslimah would expect. Alhamdullilah, Allah is Ar Razzaq and He provides all that we need, material or otherwise, I will leave it in His hands and trust Him alone.

    • Mo Said says:

      Your burdens are yours and you can’t be angry if no one wants to disobey Allah and let a hypocrite consume his family’s wealth. You should be with your family. No space for corruption of the debaucherous modern western thoughts.

  17. Siraj Khan says:

    I’m a divorcee and love to be a father figure and offer happiness to rebuild a new family and have no stigma in marrying a divorcee single mum

    • Mo Said says:

      Are you a believer. Why are you posting such stuff. Shouldn’t your family be seeking you a wife. Marriage is a union of families and I warn any believer against marrying a westerner.

  18. ukhti says:

    i’m a single mum in the uk and also am finding it difficult to re marry, race isn’t an issue but the majority of men want a second wife but cant deal the responsibilities of a first.

  19. Ksn92 says:

    Ive lost hope in all men when an actual father of a child believes his only duty is to provide for them financialy (my husband). How could I expect a man who is not my childs father to do anything more? I don’t know are there any decent men out there anymore? or am I just with a useless man?

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